"real father"

Wow. I'm struggling to know how to put what I want to say plainly but in a compassionate way. I would think that ANY parent, regardless of how their child/children joined their family, would find it incredibly hard to have their child "pack up and leave them in the dust". That would be pretty tough. My family has experienced such a thing with a BIOLOGICAL child. This person didn't say "I have parents who can do better than you"... no, they didn't have anywhere else to run but they ran anyway. And no one really knows why, which to me, seems much harder to take than your scenario. Even if your child knows that you are their only parents, that doesn't guarantee that they won't struggle in a relationship with you. Just like I can almost guarantee that there are countless stories of children who joined a family who live in healthy reunions with their biological families while continuing in healthy relationships with their adoptive families. And I am certain there are just as many children who joined a family through adoption who are happy with things as they are in their adoptive family. I might respectfully suggest that this is more of a parenting issue that you might probe in yourself rather than whether or not you want to adopt. There are no guarantees in parenting. None. Kids can get sick and die and leave you. Kids can choose a career that takes them across the country and they leave you. Kids can chooses spouses who choose not to make it easy for their child to be with their family of origin. Kids can choose all sorts of things that might make your relationship less than the ideal you want. But kids being kids and free will and all, it's their choice. And it's your choice as a parent to raise them to be who they are meant to be, and then let them be who they are. Bio or not, this IMO, is a constant. ETA this... and I don't get the whole language obsession, and never will, with the word "real". I don't get why it matters. It's obvious everyone is pretty real, and I just don't see what it solves to correct a child who might say this... wouldn't it be better and more loving to say "let's talk about this..." in a kind way rather than the more harsh way I often see people describing. Could it possibly be that they don't know any different? Especially if they were adopted after being in the care of others, including biological family... maybe they are really wondering where they really belong. And if we as parents get all hurt over one little word, we're missing a chance to see a side of our children and an opportunity to help us all grow to a greater understanding of what it means to be family. Geesh...to me there are so many more issues than pounding the issue of titles with our kids. My DD, who turned five yesterday, received an ecard from her first mom, sister and grandparents. In talking about who K was, she said "she's my Momma". I guess I should have ruined a pretty amazing moment (her first mom has not done any form of communicating with us for a VERY long time) my correcting her because she calls me Momma. But it wasn't about me and how real a Momma I am to her, it was about the fact that her first Momma is becoming more real to her. That is what mattered. Not about me and my needs but about her and her needs. Regards...

While I understand this is a hard statement to take, there are many more "heartbreaking" things that come out of the average teenager's mouth, and a lot of things that are worse. I'm not proud of it, but I used cuss words when I was a teen at my mom. I was very rebellious and in a bad place. Some of the things I said, if I repeated here, would probably curl your toes. And I'm her BIO child. Honestly, if they responded as you state here verbatim, I feel for the kid. I think the teen did not use the "P.C." terminology, but if you replace "real" parents with "bio" or "birth" parents, the real message becomes clear. Truth is, the adoptive parents are not the bio parents, and there is a great need for many adoptees to have that (also) very real piece of their heritage. Your friends sound very inexperienced. I think anyone going into adoption should anticipate that their child will have at least some curiosity about their biological background. There is nothing "ungrateful" about this. The fact is, BOTH sets of parents, bio and adoptive, are real. While it is hurtful to hear "I want to find my REAL parents" or worse, "You are not my real parents!" I don't think it is helpful to lash out at the child over this or get into a competitive mind-set by denigrating the birthparents (i.e. "it takes more than having sex to raise a baby, and I'm the one who stayed up all night with you and did the REAL work," etc., etc.) Talk about a guilt trip! Not to mention it will only push the child/teen away if you put down their birthparents like that. As a birthmom, I am very well aware that I didn't do the hard work of raising my son. But I did do the hard work of carrying a pregnancy to term and making an adoption plan, in addition to experiencing the most tremendous loss, a loss which allowed someone else to be parents and my son to have a better life than I felt I could provide. We both took on roles, I as a birthmom and my son's parents as his parents, willingly, knowing (for the most part) the difficulties and trials and tribulations. My contribution was more than "just two people having sex" and frankly I find that wording extremely disrespectful as it undermines the contribution the birthparents make, which is never easy. In doing this, a couple who very much wanted to have children but couldn't were able to be the parents they wanted to be and that I wanted for my son. I consider my son's mom his mom, period. But I also know I'm his mom, too. And she acknowledges me in this manner, although I would never call myself his parent. That is her title. But the fact that she would even acknowledge me and share the title of mother with me is something that I am very deeply moved by. I would hope if my son ever said something like "I want to know my real mom" she would not respond in the manner of your friends, or feel as though she was a placeholder, but would understand typical teenage behaviour, or else understand he meant "bio" or "birthmom" and not feel threatened or undermined by it. I certainly wouldn't want her to feel this way. I don't want to be in competition with her. We are both my son's real mom, each in our own way. I cannot replace her, and she cannot replace me, and I get very frustrated when I hear others turn this issue into a p*ssing contest of who is really "real." This is probably harsh, but it seems to me you would have a hard time dealing with any child right now, whether bio or adopted. As many have rightly pointed out, even bio children can become estranged after you raised them or can give you all kinds of h*ll growing up. You never really know what you will get. Having expectations of gratitude or getting anything else in return for your choice to have kids is only setting yourself up for disappointment down the road and putting demands on your kids that will likely backfire. I would examine further your reasons for wanting children and really get better educated about adoption before agreeing to go into it.

Hi Tentmaker1040, I'm going to go out on a limb here and take a guess at your user name (I like to do that out here, wonder what's in a name....it's odd, I know :) ) If giving advise purely on that element alone I'd suggest that adoption preparations require "strength training" just like other critical parts of life. The research, preparations, and soul searching you do now is ciritcal to you being (or not being) a parent via adoption. In life there are times when people might not be ready to hear what others are speaking to them about, maybe because of fear or hurt. They may be closed off or sure they have all the answers already. Sometimes it just takes encouragment and faith, an open mind and an open heart. From a purely religious stance God directly commands us to honor our father and our mother, to hold them valuable. How sad if we deny our children that ability (to simply hold value to both their adoptive and biological fathers and mothers) for our own selfish or fearful reaons. kwim? Again, this post here will mean zip if I've made an error in that initial "what's in a name". Good luck in your journey. Keep an open mind and ear, the people will assist you if you let them.

Of course they will. ALL of their friends' parents will be nicer, smarter, cooler, and better parents than you. I even thought it myself. Seriously though, you can't control the thoughts of anyone and to try to suppress these feelings in a child is harmful.

Tentmaker, what a great post you have started and just look at the support you are getting. First and foremost, education is the key, whether your adopting or raising birth children. Like I mentioned in my earlier post, read that book about the adoption process and what adoptive children go through as they grow older. The better understanding and awareness you have, the stronger your relationship will be.

If they grow older and as teenagers they walk out on you screaming that they are going to find their real parents because they hate you, then you know what? There was a breakdown somewhere in the parent-child relationship: which often times leads to poor communication. (and don't you dare think that birth-children don't run away, because they do).

One of the most important thing I have learned, through my life experiences and as a supervising social worker, when working with children is that they want to be genuinely loved, cared for, and feel that someone is invested in their lives. If you provide them with these, as well as working hard on maintaining open honest communication, then your child will never abandon you.

Additionally, adoptive children finding or wanting to know who their birth parents are is a natural and healthy process. It has absolutely nothing to do with you as an adoptive parent, but a part of their healthy development. They want to know where they came from (their roots) so that they develop that understanding and confidence that will enable them to look forward.

You know, I am planning on adopting one of my kids that I had worked with, and she's 14. She has absolutely no one, she would not had made it in the foster care system, and all she needed was someone to be genuinely invested in her life. When she gets into college, I told her that we will fly together to Guatemala to meet her birth-mother.

Being an adoptive parent is not for everyone, but as one great American, Collin Powell, said, " We have to start thinking of America as a family. We have to stop screeching at each other, stop hurting each other, and instead start caring for, sacrificing for, and sharing with each other. We have to stop constantly criticizing, which is the way of the malcontent, and instead get back to the can-do attitude that made America. We have to keep trying, and risk failing, in order to solve this country's problems. We cannot move forward if cynics and critics swoop down and pick apart anything that goes wrong to a point where we lose sight of what is right, decent, and uniquely good about America." We need to start working together, changing our way of life from 'I' to 'we', and ensuring the well-being of our children.

Honestly. Biological kids DO NOT always come back. I know people who have been at odds with their biological children and even when their child is down and out will refuse to go home. Like others have said the same way adoptive children can be hurtful and say nasty things is the same way biological kids can. Also the same way biological children can have a strong tie/ connection to you is the same way that an adoptive child can. Plus being an adoptive parent isnt about being appreciated by the child (though we hope they look back and appreciate what we do), what it is really about is helping a child in need and sharing the caring we have in our hearts and opening our homes

I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but after this I think that others are right and you may not be ready for adoption. First off adopting a child with "stipulations" means that you are not loving them unconditionally which is one of the primary ingredients for a healthy adoptive relationship. Plus, Any child has to adapt to a new routine. Even if your wife gave birth to a baby the newborn has to adapt to new way of nurishment, new way of sleeping, breathing, has to relate to people. No matter what child you get or how you get that child some adjustments will have to be done. There are alot of children who dont have adjustment issues. Some do and some dont. It sounds to me that you are LOOKING for reasons not to adopt. I know you have valid concerns but I dont think it is really in your heart to expand your family through adoption. Best of luck to you and your wife.

I find this thread very interesting. I am aware of the concerns of the adopting parent. Last year I finally made contact after 15 years of silence with the BM and current "mother" of my daughter. The adopted dad must be going crazy right now. I guess I took them by complete surprise. Although there was no drug/alcohol abuse, I think they thought this day would never come for some reason. This leads me to believe that they did NO research about the entire adoption process. I also think back to the day when I "authorized" the adoption of my daughter... what kind of background check did they require to let this man adopt her? I was very young, as was the Adad, and I think we didn't look for support. Should I have done a background check on the Adad? Well, I assumed that because of his background (or the information that I got) that he would be fine and stable, more so than I at the time. He married my ex, and along with her came my daughter. Was he so wrapped up in getting married that he didn't do ant research about what may happen down the road. From everything I read, most achildren do search for their bios. It took me 10 years to get the nerve up to make contact, and express my feelings. I know the Adad is hurt by what is going on. I hope that this "hurt" doesn't affect my daughter, and keep her from the things she wants out of life. I struggle from time to time as what is best for my daughter...the answer is honesty. Teenagers must be the most difficult. I as a teenager, wanted NOTHING to do with my parents, and up until last year, I didn't (my father is still my father, but still dealing with that...he's in prison for life). I do feel that our egos are the number one problem in the world on many levels. I do not discount the fact that the Adad has been there from day one (although it was really like day 800) but the adad is assuming that I saw her picture last year and started thinking about making contact....This is so far from the truth...I had to "deal" with my decision from day... I don't know, what is 9x30=? The shame, guilt and unhappiness that came along with that decision. My silence was based on the BM's decision that I should never contact her. So, it took me these years to realize that a decision made at 21 is much like the decision of a teen. I can sympathize with your reservations, and think that allot of this is based on your fears. We all fear. The only way to overcome fear is to learn about your fear. If it is something you don't understand, learn about it. Be honest with yourself and those around you, and you'll find that we are all the same. just my un-educated two cents. I am glad that you have turned to the forum for support, and you'll find it. It isn't about me, it's about my daughter.

This is what makes open adoption with living birth parents so attractive. there is NO FANTASY to prefer instead of reality.The reality you know your birthparents and you know what they'd say. You never have to "go leave" because they've been in your life all along. As far as not wanting to "share" your child....what do you think happens when they get married? A legal act creates a 2nd family for them. The in-laws become the family you must share them with.And I always wished I was adopted, and I am estranged from my parents. My sister left to come live with me and she's not going back. She found a place that was better/easier/nicer/ and she loved more.The problem isn't an ungreatful child, it's a dysfunctional family. Children crave stability and boundaries and play time with family members. If your only interactions are to criticize and put down, and you are uninvolved or not nice to be around, then your fears are valid, and it would damage ANY CHILD whether bio or adopted to be in your family.I think you need to come to terms with sharing your child with multiple families. Because whether through adoption or marriage, or friends, it will happen. None of them will do the job of "being the parent" but all will be considered family. That will still be your job, unless you do it so poorly that the child's needs aren't met and they must look elsewhere to get what they need.Another thing is there is no such thing as an "adopted child" or "is adopted". That implies that the word adoption describes the CHILD, rather than the act which brought the child to the family.You should try to use the words "child who we adopted" or "was adopted".Adoption is an event, not an adjective. Negative terms can be found everywhere. And although they hurt, it isn't always meant that way. Parenting, whether through adoption or biological, means that you must do things to encourage attachment, and you must expect hurtful comments and know how to deal with them in a healthy way. You'll need to be able to handle other people coming into your child's life and being accepted as family.Once you can come to terms with those expectations, you'll see adoption really has nothing to do with your fears.

Wonderful thread! I am the father of a three-year old boy who means the world to me. Honestly, I had some similar fears to those you are expressing now. I never really expressed them to my wife because adoption was the only real option for us. However, now that I have raised my boy for three years, I can't imagine life without him. On a daily basis, the fact that he is adopted doesn't really occur to me. I sometimes have to consciously remind myself that we aren't biologically related... and we aren't even of the same ethnic race! We do have a relationship with his birth mother. We recognise the importance of her in my son's life and talk to him often about her. A picture of her holding my son is also hanging on our walls. Whenever we visit her, she loves playing with him but he'll sometimes get cranky and she'll hand him back to us knowing that his mom and dad can handle him better. She even acknowledges that fact verbally. The whole relationship ends up seeming like she is his young aunt that visits. Everybody knows who she is and loves her for it but she knows that she does not "mother" him even if she is "a mother" to him. I realize that this is only one story out of a million and that every situation is different but I am sure that the bonding of an adopted infant has more to do with parenting skills, God's will, mental health issues, and a little bit of chance more than it does the fact that they are adopted or not I was not adopted and I had a very strained relationship with my mother. In my early twenties, I thought for a while about whether or not I should completely wash my hands of her. I now realize that she has some psychological problems that are not her fault. Now that I have comes to term with this I love her and have fun watching her play with my son. I greive about only having a superfischal relationship with her but realize that is our reality and that we will never be the type to have long emotional talks through the night about our feelings. I only mention this relationship to show that closeness isn't always determined by biological connections.

The terminology is mean - that I agree with. My 2 oldest have used it against me. We've changed how we're all described. but I think kids want to know where they came from. Also possible that there was stuff going on that's not known which is why said kid is referring to bio parents as "real".

"My own kids" is offensive. If you adopt, your adopted child will be your own child. Sorry but I come from a family that practices favoritism and that phrase just irks me. When I adopted my 4 from foster care, the judge said they were MINE like I gave birth to them.

This is a long dead post it seems, but since it was revised I figured I'd chime in a bit. My mother placed me up for adoption when I was born, and changed her mind 28 days after I was placed in a foster home. I can't begin to think of or type all of the horrible things i have said to her over the years in our fights... including.. "I wish you never changed your **** mind to keep me!" My Father? Yeah, met him when I was 10 years old... got to know him in the height of puberty... I was a NIGHTMARE and I was cruel and heartless to him. Now? He's my best friend and I have a relationship that I wish every girl could have with her father. As MH and I started talking about and pursuing adoption I knew, because I was that b*tchy teenager... that someday my kids will tell me "You aren't my REAL" mother. Part of me will die that day, but I have faith in myself and MH... in my parents, inlaws and siblings that we will give the best possible life to the children we adopt. Kids get angry, kids hurt.. and they CERTAINLY know just the right buttons to push that will rip your heart out of your chest... but you know what? Most of us come around. Most of us realize that there's more to life than ages 10-21 when... like OMFG ITS THE END OF THE WORLD AND I HATE EVERYONE! .. sure, some dont. But if you are honest with your kids, and patient.. then you've done the best you can by them. Most importantly, an adoption is just as much about your desire to be a parent, as you fulfilling a promise that you make to this child's parents that you will do the best you can... even if it means all the warts that come with life. Raising kids is not roses and flowers and rainbows. They spit up, poop on you, pee everywhere, destroy your stuff and become teenagers... but you ya know what? I bet you did some of the same crap to your parents too. * steps off soapbox * I hope this post helps someone out there somewhere....

Please forgive me if I re-iterate what others have already said as didn't read all the response. Becoming a part of the adoption triad as the adoptive parent is a life long learning experience. You will grow and change your views constantly, I know I have. The term "real" is relative!? Where your "friends" were devastated by a teen wanting to find birthparents... You may NOT feel that way when it is your time. We have located my DD's first family and I desperately want her to have a relationship w/ her first family. Of couse she is still quite young and the teen years will hold some interesting events for us I am sure.

I can imagine how that hurt. However, it is completely natural for an adopted child to want to find their birth parents. And, if you have a loving and caring relationship with your child, your relationship will support such a search.