How to Let go of Anger

I am not an adoptive mother but do have a child that has learning disabilities, 4 of my 5 kids have had language problems and I didn't use drugs when pregnant. there is a family history on hubby side of learning disabilities and I suspect mine too. Maybe you could try to relate the language problems to something else ie.family history instead of the drugs they were exposed too it could diffuse some of the anger. Just something they were born with, something that could happen to anyone wheather bio or not.

I understand. My daughter was adopted from foster care and her history is more involved. The hardest part is when my daughter asks why her mom used drugs while pregnant. Social workers had already told my daughter that, and I wouldn't have kept it from her but wish it wasn't something she struggled with at such a young age.

I've found the cycle of anger towards my kids' bmom comes and goes. I deal with a piece at a time and then I just have to put it away for awhile so I can focus on my kids. Not that I let it show or anything, but just so I can really clear my mind to put my energies on them. The coming and going is simply due to new issues that might arise and when they do, I get angry all over again. I do recommend that you vent safely and not let it build up. Talk to other moms who know what it feels like to look at their children and know that there are things that still affect them due to the harm they've suffered. It's not a good "circle" to be in, but it can help to have others to share with.

I adopted an 8-yr. old boy and 6-year-old girl (sibling group). They are now 17 and 14. Their birth mother did the same. They ask why I am angry at their birth mother. I state because she hurt them. It is frustrating that adoptive parents have to pick up the pieces and deal with the learning problems of our adoptive children due to drugs their birth mothers took while pregnant with them. I empathize with you. Neurolinguistic therapy helped our son. It teaches children to use both sides of their brain at the same time. Learning Tekniks was the program we used in Utah. I am not sure if it is available elsewhere. I am also a social worker and know that colleges often offer courses in neurolinguistic training.

Our adoption agency called on Friday because our daughter's birth mother is pregnant again. At first, I was excited about the possibility of adopting a biological sibling for her, but that excitement changed to tears over the weekend. I cannot seem to help but feel that her birth mother seems to care so little about all of these babies that she keeps having without any thought to what their lives will be. Her birth mother had two children prior to my daughter. They are being raised by their maternal grandmother. Since then, her birth mother had another child who is being raised by his paternal grandmother, and now there is another baby on the way. Drug abuse has been a running theme in her life. How can I possibly explain this mess to my daughter when she is old enough to understand? More importantly, how can I keep this ongoing soap opera from ruining her life?

Perhaps exploring this part of your daughter's history with her is not age appropriate at the moment - no more that perhaps exploring issues of sex, etc at such a tender age. THough you may want to be brutally honest with her, now may not be the time, and she may be better served when she is old enough to have an adult conversation with you and her mother about it. best, FC

Actually, now is probably the time to start these age appropriate conversations. Start them when she is little so the information was always available and not some big dark secret that comes out during a very trying time (typically teen years.) I've heard that kids should know the whole truth (told age appropriately) by 8. The same with sex. We started reading to our son about sex at 3. It's just no big deal to him. I remember all the wonderings I had as a kid and the shame when I finally learned how babies were made. Just talk to them when they're little and it's no big deal. Also, they only take in what they're ready for. If you tell them too much, they just filter it out.

The great thing about being a parent, particularly an adoptive parent, is that there is always a good chance that things will come around full circle. The upside of our new "development" is that we were able to schedule a conference call with our daughter's birth mother with whom we have not spoken since the week that she was born. Lots of ups and downs so far and many more to come, I'm sure.

If we harbor difficult feelings about every mother who uses drugs/alcohol while pregnant, who keeps having children with no thought of who will care for them, who continues to choose men that demean her, who never seems to realize the potential with education and hard work, etc. - we will lose our minds. I understand what you're saying but, in our case, I try to value the biological parents of our children, no matter what their choices were -- because each of them brought 4 beautiful children into our lives and now it's our "gift" (some days "burden") to be able to help them shape their lives the best we can. And, besides, Karma has a way of teaching lessons to all of us -- particularly those that continue along a beaten path.