cant be close to anyone im to scared ......help

Brandi, first of all, let me welcome you to the forums. There are a lot of great people here who are very good listeners. I've made a lot of friends here, and I'm sure you will too. You don't say how old you are now, but I'm guessing you're about 17 or 18? You have been through a horrible time during your short life. No child should have to endure what you have endured, sweetie. I cannot even imagine what it's like to go through 21 different foster homes. I was a foster kid for a while when I was a teenager, but I only had to go to one foster home. It was a very unpleasant experience, but at least I wasn't beaten or molested. Do you have access to any type of counselor or therapist? I saw on another thread that you're struggling with bipolar disorder. Do you see a doctor for it? I'm thinking that maybe the doctor could steer you to a reputable therapist where you could get some appropriate counseling for everything you've gone through. Another idea is to call your local Rape Crisis Center. Tell them what you've gone through, and ask them if there are any resources available for you that would help pay for some counseling. A good therapist will be able to help you sort all of these nightmares out and teach you some survival skills. Meanwhile, keep posting here. We don't have all the answers, but I promise you that we're listening. Hang in there, and keep writing things down. :loveyou:

thank you so much i see a counsaler im 17 i will be a 18 in three months and thank you so much for welcoming me its nice to have a plce to talk and know that complete strangers are completely understanding...i hope evry 1 here is as nice as you

Brandi, I am so glad to hear that you are already seeing a counselor. Have you brought up the subject of not being able to get close with other people during your therapy sessions? It's probably going to take a lot of inner work for you to heal from the abuse you've encountered during your childhood and teen years. But it is entirely doable -- if you really work hard at it. I know how hard it is to talk about this stuff with therapists, but they really can help you deal with the aftermath of the abuse. Do you ever write in a personal journal? I started journaling when I was your age, and it helped me soooo much. Another thing that helped me was art therapy. I had a counselor when I was in my young 20's who was a big believer in art therapy and visual imagery. You wouldn't believe how much crap I was able to work through by painting and drawing. I was really afraid when I first started doing it because I wasn't very good at art, and I felt embarassed to show the therapist my drawings and paintings. But the embarassment soon went away, and I discovered a lot about myself through my artwork. You're a very smart young woman to ask for help in dealing with your past experiences. So many people who are hurting don't do anything about it, and they never really get any better. By acknowledging the emotional damage, you've taken the most important step in becoming whole and healthy. Give yourself a pat on the back. It takes a lot of maturity and courage to want to become healthy. Sending giant hugs your way... :loveyou:

I Do Accrually Journal I Write Peortry And I Sing. B4 I Started Therepy I Strted Finding Answers To My Problems Through Music Evry Time I Hear The Song I Hope U Dance By Leann Womack I Get Happy And I Invision My Self Happy And Healthy Wich Is What I Plan To Do As I Get Older. Also Im Acctually Taking An Art Class Though I Am Not Very Good Lol. I Hope One Day I Can Be Strong And Acctually I Haven Mentioned To Her What I Am Going Through

Welcome! I'm so glad you are so strong and have the courage to speak up about what you're going through. Just because you've got a good home now, doesn't mean you should feel happy now like none of the crap in the past never happened. It did, and you have the battle wounds to show for it. A boyfriend demanding going all the way from you right now or else he's gone, is demonstrating he's not being a man anyway. That's a big deal for anyone, even more so when you have been through abuse. Please don't blame yourself for not being ready for that. I agree with everything Raven said, and am so glad you are in counseling and trying to heal. I pray you become stronger and more secure in accepting yourself as a worthy young woman with the ability to choose your own future. Please try to focus on things and people who encourage you in your education and healing, and hopefully a relationship with God. It's so hard to make sense out of things like mistreatment of a child. I don't know if it's possible to make sense out of it. I think the most important thing is to learn to love yourself and accept it wasn't your fault, and how to turn the bad stuff that happened into a positive aspect of your life. I guess that's hard to imagine now. But for myself, it means I accept the abuse I went through has affected the person I am now, the things that matter to me now. I have an intensity and a passion for kids, for family, for God. I had an extreme hunger in school to learn, for that was my way out, my way to take care of my kids and myself, so that I didn't have to be dependent on any one else for that. I care about the hurting, because I know how hurting feels. That's you--- a strong survivor, no longer a victim. Able to take charge of your own future. Compassionate to others still struggling down the road you left behind. Hang out here, a lot of people will care about you and show you that you are not alone. :grouphug:

thank you so much thank you i am trying to be a stronger person that i know i can b thank you for so sweet and kind evryone here is awsome im glad that i found this forum i hope we can keep in touch thank u

Well, it takes a long time to heal all those issues. You're going to have to hang in there, and keep plugging away! The great news is that over time, if you keep working at it, you will find there are real changes, real progress in your life! When did you find your adoptive family, what age? Sounds like you are lucky to have them! I've volunteered teens and early 20's kids who've been fostered, one girl had been in more than 50 homes by age 18. Really such a burden, crazy system to let that happen. And I've had foster children in my home, just wanting to make a difference.

Oh yes. Madonna made this movie about the children of Malawi, how difficult things are there for the children, and the whole country. The beginning is difficult, but the end I found inspirational, and you might, too. You can watch it online, here: [url=http://iambecauseweare.com/]I AM BECAUSE WE ARE : A Documentary Film produced by Madonna[/url]

Brandi, I'm so sorry to hear all the hardships you have endured at such a young age. But it is good that you are reaching out here, and getting counseling. That tells me you are in touch with your feelings and not trying to deny them or push them away. And that is the first step toward healing--being willing to face these issues head on, even if they are painful. Please try to be gentle with yourself, and patient. It will take time to reach a point where you can trust enough to be close to others, and to say "I love you." As for that guy who left you because you weren't ready to say those words, I say "good riddance!" And he should not have been pressuring you for sex. That right there tells me he did not respect you at all, and you deserve to be respected.

Hi Brandii, It is great that yu have survived so much pain.Be positive . I would like yu to say I am confident and I can take care of myself . Listen to good music and last but not the least say prayers to God . Yu will find solace . Wishing you the best . Padma

I want to put in my 2 cents as an adoptive parent of a little girl who was 4 when she came to live with us, whose mom was also unable to be there for her emotionally (there wasn't outright abuse only neglect). She too had trouble attaching for several years.Call it another name if you must. Tell your Foster mom you "appreciate her", or that she "means the world to you". Don't worry about having any other relationships until you can function fairly well in the most basic one (mother/child). It won't work out anyway, until you can stabilize that most basic relationship. I would also tell you what you are going through is NORMAL for what you have been through. It is not only normal, it's expected. There's a name for it too. And Support Groups. Specifically you need to ask for an ATTACHMENT THERAPIST. And it needs to include your foster mom. It sounds to me like you have some degree of Reactive Attachment Disorder. And it's treatable. Parents on the "Special Needs" forums here do it everyday. Go look at the website [url=http://attach.org]Attachment Disorder information and support at ATTACh.org.[/url] or [url=http://radzebra.org]Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN[/url] for more in depth information and resources.And please keep coming back. My dd's bmom had a past similar to yours, and I believe she placed my daughter and abandoned her other 5 because she suffers from RAD that has gone untreated, and she has no support. I pray everyday for her to heal and find stability and I would die if I knew I could offer information to someone that would allow them to heal and avoid the hardships she is going through. I wish I could offer the same support to her. But she won't accept it.Please keep posting and keep coming back. And keep telling yourself the truth....that you will get better and you will heal....and there are people who know exactly how to help you. Being Sexually Active right now is NOT a good idea, and you were right to say no. Good Job. When the time is right, you'll know, and if you don't know, then ask your foster mom...she can be trusted to tell you the truth and give good advice (I assume based on what you've said of her).Chronologically you're 17, but emotionally you're still pretty much in infancy. Don't rush things, take the time to do it right. If you were my Foster Daughter, I would expect you to live at home where I can still help you, for as long as it takes.....even as a 25 year old if it takes that long. There should be NO pressure for you to move out at 18....that seems unreasonable, you still need a mom in so many ways. Yes, get a job and be responsible, but don't leave the nest, it will speed up the healing for you if you stay in an emotionally therapeutic environment for as long as possible.My heart is with you, sadly you are not alone in your experiences. Don't ever feel as if you are.