I'm going for it

DK, I am sorry you have not heard back yet. I know a week seems like a long time, but sometimes it's not to other people? I do hope you hear back, and am glad that you are glad that you sent the letter. Hang in there!!! (PS: Just wanted to add that my DH sent a letter to his birth mom....Almost a year later, she emailed him....I think we both had thought that wouldn't happen! Not that a year is not a long time -- it is!).

good luck and hope that you hear something soon.

It's now been two weeks since I sent the letter. I haven't given up but I am not quite as hopeful when I look through the mail. I am not crying as much but I'm not sure if it's because I reached out or simply because her birthday has passed. Or that I don't get asked daily if I've heard anything anymmore. I imagine that her dad took it worse than her mom. He was never as comfortable with the openness. I remind myself that my letter probably came as quite a shock, and good or bad, brought up lots of things for them to talk about and re-examine. Maybe they are waiting to get everything that I sent and they never recieved from the agency. Who knows. But I still hope just like I did before I wrote the letter. There's only two things that would stop my hoping for contact in any way: 1. to be contacted or 2. death. There will always be a part of me missing without her.

Sending warm positive thoughts and prayers your way. EZ

I imagine the shock will take a while for them to handle...causing a delay. AND if this is the first contact in a LONG TIME, then they are probably not sure what to respond with. Especially if the mom and dad aren't on the same page. I know out of respect for my husband I don't send any emails or anything until he approves. He is afraid of total openness too. He still feels the need to censor stuff a bit.It drives me NUTS! and I just bug him incessantly until he agrees to more open emails.I'm thinking 2 weeks isn't terribly long to decide what to respond to your letter.What response did you request from them?

I didn't actually ask them for a response. I always tell them that I want as much contact as they are willing to give and what they feel is best for Sarah. I didn't want to come off as too pushy, demanding or forceful. i didn't want to seem that way at all. That's why I just sent the letter regular mail without and delivery conformation or registered mail. I didn't want to cross any lines. Or at least any more than seeking them out and contacting directly already may have. I hope what I did didn't cause them to fight or for hime to get made at her. I still remember the look he shot her when she told me their last name and even how to spell it. It had just slipped out when we were all at dinner talking about how people misspronounce and mispell our names. He had a friend/relative that had bad experiences with open adoption. And they had been chosen then told the baby died when the mother simple changed her mind. I tried to assure them that I would never do anything like that but he was already in the protective father [and husband] mode which in a lot of ways is good. I'd rather him be overprotective than distant, indifferent or uninvolved. I think even a "hello. we're all fine,but please don't contact us again until we're ready and let you know" would help. Not everything I would hope for but it would certainly make waiting a little easier.

As an Aparent, I there are sometimes when I don't quite know what the bmom needs from me. It's easy when she asks direct questions I can answer, rather than hinting at something. I don't pick up on hints well, or I over analyze and imagine all kinds of hints that aren't there.It would be nice if you told them that you would appreciate a response so that you know they got the letter. Or if you flat out addressed all their fears based on your assumptions. That way they know that you understand a little of what their feeling while reading the letter, and you give them an "easy out" by telling them you'll accept a "she's doing fine, but we're not ready, can you give us a month or so to decide how we feel."If I know that is acceptable, I'll feel better about not having the "right response" right away. I'll know that you won't be fearful, or stressed or overwhelmed. I'll know that you're patient and rational and won't get upset or scared by how we decide to respond.If I'm not worried about how my response will affect you, then I don't take so long stressing over my response. The first few correspondences are fraught with anguish and rewrites trying to discover how each other responds to things. I remember stressing, even though we'd met and it was an open adoption. I remember worrying that it wasn't enough, or that it was too much/too soon/too painful. I remember agonizing over what her words meant. Wondering if she said things purely for our benefit, or if she truly felt this way. How nice it would be for me to get a letter detailing exactly what her fears and expectations are! Then I can let her know the same. And I can avoid her "soft spots" and she can see mine. I can address them too! So that she won't worry where we stand.A nice, polite, generic letter doesn't feel real and uncensored. Which means there's something being held back, which means there's something you shouldn't fully trust. I say give it 2-3 months and then send another letter telling them what you hoped to accomplish/intended by sending the letters. Ask them for a response and their feelings. Ask them for their honesty. Explain what you have assumed about how they may be feeling. Let them know what would satisfy you and not leave you in pain and limbo. Then ask them to tell you if that is too much, and if so, what would they feel comfortable with?

Aspen, I don't know if i could be that bold at this point. I've asked them at least once a year for the last 6 years to start sending letters and pictures like they used to. She never seemed to hold back but maybe I just didn't realize that she was. I always told them I wanted to be there for as much as they'd have me. I told them every time I moved, got new phone numbers, or new jobs. Unfortunately I didn't keep copies of most of the letters that I sent them. And those I did were saved on a computer that we no longer have. My poor planning...I know as time went on my letters became more generic. In the beginning if I was distant in my letters to them it was only because I didn't want to talk about all sorts of negative things and I was so depressed and lost then. Now I don't go into as much because I don't know if anyone is even reading them. If they want to I gave them evry way to look into my life without being here. They have every internet site of mine, including "MyPage" here. They have my parent's names, numbers, and address. They were at their house to watch the sonograms. I always felt that it's my job to help support them and make them stronger. It's my responsibility as Sarah's mother to give her the best that I can and helping her parents is the only way I can right now. I promised in the letter that I sent that I wouldn't write again unless I heard back from them. I don't think I could break that promise. But maybe if I don't get a reply I'll try being bolder in the next letter I send to the agency and just cross my fingers that they get it....

Well, if all else fails, you have a starting point of ID info to search when she's 18. I would imagine that the hold up is the dad being over protective and the not agreeing with the mom on openness and contact.My DH isn't so worried about S trying to come kidnap my dd, but what if some guy who wanted to "impress her" did that? It's more a distrust of the unknown company she may keep. Now, she did at one point, have ALL our contact info as well as both our parents info and several siblings. But, My DH doesn't want her to visit our blog....(I know weird huh??) Maybe he still feels like he needs to censor stuff.....and our blog is totally uncensored...discussing all her issues and our feelings in great detail.All I know is I seem to have to push him for any little thing that feels natural to me.And there's a reason for the saying "Fortune Favors the Bold".....And you don't know if they've gotten those past letters right?

Not that bold of an action to take, but I did post a blog to her parents on MySpace and then copied it to a journal on here. Like I said, they have the web address for both. Figured this way they will see it if they are looking and I won't break my promise to them to not send another letter if they chose not to contact me. I'd rather cope with the silence for now than risk harming the chance for an easier reunion later.....

That was a really good idea!!

Thanks Aspen! Did you read it? If it was a letter that you recieved would it help you to not stress over your response? I'd really love to hear what you think and I do appreciate your feedback so far. I've never been on the other side of the fence and can't really imagine all the emotions that aparents feel.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to offer support and applaud you for doing this. I hope you get a response that starts new possibilities for your relationship.

I read it and it sounds WONDERFUL!I really really love it....

I am so glad I posted this. Your support and feedback helps. And it helps me tremendously to reread your comments. I'm trying not to count the weeks as they go by because I know it could be ages until I hear anything. Just wanted to say thank you to all of you posted!:grouphug: