Thank You!!!

Thank you for the recognition! Birthmothers don't get to much of that, even today. I surrendered my daughter in 1963...the most painful thing I have ever endured. However, I am so very blessed! We were reunited 29 years ago and are very close. I also have 3 wondrous grandchildren through her. She is my daughter and my friend. Nanie B

I don't come to this site much anymore. It was so helpful at first -especially to know that there were so many others that had experienced what I had. But recently when I come here I see many posts that have a similar tone to this one. So here is my reply. First, thanks tem0627 for your kind thoughts. I know that you wrote this with nothing but kindness in your heart. But for some reason it rubbed me the wrong way. Here is why: I am a firstmother since 1979. I was 17 when I placed my firstborn son for adoption. I too am not a fan of abortion and even though my very religious mother reluctantly and honestly gave me that option, I could not bring myself to even give abortion a second thought. That was a personal choice. Having said that, I am pro choice. And the big reason I am pro choice is because of the adoption. First/birthmothers are generally not courageous young women trying to do the very best thing for society and their babies (wait before you blast me for saying this). Most firstmothers, including me were young, unemployed or under employed, scared, desperate and/or coerced. Most of us were fed the line that we were being courageous and doing the best thing for our babies. We were told that if we loved them we would surrender them - in many cases to people we had never met! Many of us were separated from the birthfathers and our families. We were not offered help. No one told us how we could keep our babies, just how we could give them away. Adoption should NOT be an antidote for abortion! Education (yes sex education), birth control and help for young poor pregnant parents should be the antidote. Every time I see adoption offered as the cure-all for abortion it makes me sick. Adoption in this country (U.S.) and many others is a BUSINESS. It is not based on a religious or moral foundation. And until it is, it will not be the answer to abortion. Having said all of this, I am not anti-adoption. I am for making adoption non-profit and for open records - and for helping poor people parent because poverty is often temporary - especially for the young. Adoption should happen when there the parents can't parent - not for when parents temporarily are in school or short of funds. Sorry for the rant. I really know you meant well and this is not aimed at you, but at the situation. Our priorities are all wrong.

I must respectfully agree with every word geodeb said. Thanks geodeb.

I agree with Geodeb as well! I could not have found a more gracious response that speaks the reality not the propaganda society has created. Kind regards,Dickons

Dear Erica, I know that you had the best of intentions when you wrote what you wrote and I ask that you not take this letter as condemnation. To all who continue to speak to first mothers regarding Roe........ Roe v Wade has absolutely nothing to do with the choice I made. Sigh......I cannot tell you how many times first mothers have been used in the Pro/Anti Abortion arena. It would be so very nice if that would stop. We are not poster children for the "adoption is evil- have an abortion" campaign. We are not poster children for the "say yes to adoption say yes to life" platform. If you want to debate Roe - go to an abortion website. Perhaps some don't like hearing that. Well.....Please take a moment to think about it. It is highly presumptious to believe that because I am a first mother I decided to abort my children then suddently changed my mind. Roe was never an option for me personally. Also it is presumptious to believe that I am Pro Life simply because I'm a first mother. I am not Pro Life. I have been a supporter of Roe v. Wade since it's inception when I was 12. I am Pro Choice. That may seem a paradox but I will say this: No one understands the importance of having choices quite like a person who's had to make one. Respectfully submitted,

Just chiming in to agree with Geogdeb and Janey--I am a birthmother, and I am pro-choice--my choice was adoption, but that does NOT mean that I think it is the government's place to take away any woman's choices.

Chiming in as another pro-choice mother who chose adoption. My choice to carry and choose adoption for my child had absolutely nothing to do with being against abortion in any way. It is a very personal decision, what one decides to do when faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and I don't feel that I need to be thanked for making what anyone else feels is the "right" choice. Like others, I feel you mean well, but somehow it just comes off as condescending to thank me. Too often, women who place children for adoption are seen in two extremes. Either "heroes" who are placed on a pedestal for their ultimate sacrifice, or "villains" who have "abandoned" and "rejected" their children. I don't like either label, to be quite honest. I've been told numerous times after disclosing I placed a child for adoption "well at LEAST you didn't have an ABORTION!!!!!" I can't begin to tell you how insulting, offensive, and presumptuous this kind of comment is to me.

You know, when the pro-life movement (or anti-choice movement, depending on your point of view) started its campaign years ago of "adoption, not abortion", it literally made me ill -- I threw up the first time I saw one of their ads on television. I am strongly pro-choice; I will defend a woman's right to choose what to do with her own body until the day I die. I am not a hero for surrendering my firstborn son, my only child, to adoption 37 years ago. Yes, I had the choice of legally terminating my pregnancy -- Governor Ronald Reagan gave us that legal right here in California in 1967, years before the Supreme Court heard Roe v. Wade. I did not choose to carry my pregnancy to term out of any disapproval of abortion. To be honest, I don't know why I didn't terminate the pregnancy, other than I felt an immediate connection to my child. Maybe it is because I loved his father, maybe I wanted to piss the adults off in my life, maybe I was making a stand as a 16-year-old flower child in the hey-day of the '60's revolution. Or maybe, just maybe, my son had a really strong insistance on being brought into this world, and somehow I picked up on it. Maybe it was Karma, maybe it was God... I know I did not make the same decision 4 years later when I found myself in the same condition. There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever surrender another child to adoption. If I could turn back the clock, would I make the same decision not to abort my son? You bet I would -- but there is no way I would ever believe any of the messed-up adults in my life, the ones who lied to me about how more mature, more economically-stable people would do such a better job than I would at raising my son. I would tear those darn papers up and walk straight out the door with my baby son on my hip, never looking back.

The timing of when people decided to begin commenting on a thread I posted months ago is entertaining for me. Less than one week ago, we were completely shredded by a birthmother and her manipulative mother (not projection, but fact)! Our hearts are completely broken by the choices that were made. However, I love God! I love what God stands for. I believe God stands for life! My intention was a heartfelt thanks to people that chose life for their chilld; not to say that every single person on here considered abortion. I sincerely apologize if what I said was offensive. For me, I would look at a couple that has been married for 50 years and think what an incredible encouragement to me... if I tell them that, I am not to implying, "hey thanks for not choosing divorce"!

The timing may be entertaining to you, but I can assure you that the topic is not "entertaining" to those of us who have surrendered our children to adoption. I'm sorry that you had a failed placement. It sounds like the mother decided to parent her child. I know that must be very hard for you and your husband, but from what I've read on the boards for years now is that the child who is meant for you will find his or her way to your home. BTW, a woman does not become a birthmother in adoption lingo until she signs the relinquishment papers. Until or unless she signs those papers, she's simply an expectant mother or a mother. I know you meant well with your thread. But I think you may be missing the point that previous posters have tried to make here, namely that the decision to terminate a pregnancy has nothing to do with the decision to relinquish a child. My decision to surrender my child to adoption came months after I made the decision not to abort. It was never an "either, or" situation.

As I said earlier, I apologize for the interpretation that I was making assumptions. That was not the case at all. My point has been completely lost and for my own ability to just let go and move on (while in the middle of heartbreak and grieving), I am unsubscribing to this thread and will not continue to look at it. What was meant as encouragement has been completely taken in a way that it was not intended and I don't have the energy right now to continue with this discussion!