newly adopted 9 month old~

From the sound of your post this appears to be an international adoption? Please understand that this baby is grieving. Also, at 9 months old she could be teething or just going through so of the normal non adoption related issues of a baby. Have you talked to anyone at your agency? Perhaps counseling? I wish I had answers for you. Your post has me crying my eyes out for both you and this innocent little baby. As frustrating as it is, she is still only a baby and is not doing these things on purpose. What about attatchment parenting, wearing her in a sling to give her reassurance? I am just throwing ideas out there. I have heard others suggest "faking it until you make it" I am certain that baby is also picking up on your frustration. I pray that you are able to get the support, direction and help you need. You might want to post this in the international forum if this is an iternational adoption. EZ

you absolutely right, she does have a lot going against her right now...she is teething like mad and learning to eat solid finger foods, as well as adjust to a new climate, time zone, language, smells, grieveing and of course getting used to us. and don't get me wrong, i don't regret her, i just am overwhelmed at how difficult this transition has been for all of us. i wear her in a sling or ergo as much as i can and we are not into letting her cry it out much right now, she just seemed to start doing better and then the last couple days she has been SOOOOOO completely sad, just at a whim crying out of control about everything. its taxing to say the least and hubby and i are trying desperately to stay calm and compassionate but its hard when we're on no sleep for 4 weeks.thnk you for your imput though~

Keep hanging in there! My daughter came home from Guatemala at 11 months old and it was 2 months before she started sleeping more than a couple hours at a time at night and taking regular naps. I know all too well how being beyond exahusted physically starts effecting you mentally. It will get better! It sounds like you are doing a lot of great things to help with attachment and bonding and as she feels more secure I would bet things will improve tremendously. One thing that helped us a lot was the book 'Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child.' It does talk about doing some modified 'cry it out' which we didn't want to do, but it really helped me a ton in getting her on a schedule which helped her to get more sleep which really helped with her being a much happier child in general. A lot was just time and adjustment, but at least for my daughter, being well rested did wonders. You might cross post this on the Guatemala, China, and or Russia forum. I am sure you will find many people who have been exactly where you are. Good luck! And hang in there!

thanks debbie...i remember that book helped a ton with my 2 1/2 yr old, i'll have to get another copy and refesh my memory!

sleep deprivation can result in some of the worst behaviors I've ever seen in my dd. Try to do everything you can to clear that hurdle first.Then, are there certain smells which would be comforting to her? Can you find familiar sounds? Recordings of an ocean, or a busy street or her native language? I'm not sure where she's from but familiar smells and sounds may trigger peaceful feelings for her.My heart breaks for you and her and this just sounds like classic overwhelming grief. Perhaps she had a "comfort toy" or blanket that she was forced to leave behind? I know resources are so slim that some babies get sent home with nothing but the diaper they are wearing. Perhaps you can arrange to mail replacement toys/blankets in exchange for an unwashed familiar one being mailed to you? Maybe the unfamiliar food has her stomach upset or acid reflux? Can you use "sweets" of some sort as a way to soothe her?Was she used to being in a noisy room full of other babies? Would she benefit from sleeping inyour room, hearing snoring, sensing you are close?I'm sure you've likely thought of all this already. I just want to throw out everything I would try.My dd was home 2 years and was 6 years old, before she would even come close to sleeping through the night in her own room. It takes time to adjust, even for a kid who understands it all.Try to take time for yourself, by having an older child or teen come play with her and entertain her while you get things done for you, around the house. Still be there to be the only one to meet her needs, but also get some space to yourself. Even an hour or 2 will work wonders.Take the time to discharge all your frustration somehow, like by reading your favorite indulgent novel. Have someone come give you a pedicure or massage. Ask a friend to come cook dinner once a week....Pamper yourself, while remaining close by and the primary caregiver. These things take time. For me, it was about 9 months of being a parent, before I really started to even come close to feeling like one. Don't pressure yourself, or feel guilty. Adopting a child is very similar to entering an arranged marriage with a virtual stranger, there is bound to be a period of adjustment at the very least!

thank you aspenhall for the suggestions...we sent a snuggle toy to her in the orphanage with our scent on it when she was about 4 months old and it was with her at her G&R, we also keep the blanket we had in vietnam just for a bit a familiarity from there. she had nothing but the clothes on her back and the snuggles toy we sent her when we picked her up.she sleeps in our room in a crib with white noise and a fan going so its not to silent.i think alot of her grieving is when she was in the orphanage her birth mother and 2 sisters were there all the time with her fo eight months and never left her side, holding her to feed her, walking her around, sleeping with her, jumping to attention the minute she let out a peep....we are trying to bond as much as humanly possible, but i have another child in the house and the attention is split so she gets mad, which i understand. but i can't have her attached to me 24 hours a day i just can't.i know its a matter of time for things to shake out, we're just all so tired it seems as if it will be this way forever....it also doesn't help that our 2 1/2 year old daughter was so low maintanence in the first couple years that this is such a shock and makes us feel like we have NO parenting skills what so ever!

Oh gosh! I could have said exactly that 4 1/2 years ago. In fact I may have! My bio son wasn't low maintenance, but in comparison to my daughter it was night and day. Still is! :) And three months after my daughter came home, my younger son came home, and that was yet a whole other personality and transition. I am reminded daily that just because I have parented one child, doesn't mean I know anything about what to do with the next one. At least for me, it is figuring out each individual child. And all three of mine are very different and need to be parented differently. Is there any way you and your husband can trade off so each of you can get a full night sleep while the other tends to your daughter? Just so you can catch up on your sleep and mentally recoup?

I can't imagine the grief this child must be going through with the loss of a parent, two sisters, and everything else that was familiar. What were the circumstances that allowed for the mother to be with the baby but caused an adoption if it is not to personal a question. I agree with the others, no matter how difficult you do need to have this child attached to you 24 hours a day at least until the immediate grief passes.

she and her sisters all were under 20 years old, had no job, no money,live with their parents in a very rural area of northern vietnam and she wanted better for her daughter.the birth mothers sister was a caregiver at the orphanage...and i know in the past sometimes birth mothers were caregivers at the orphanage in exchange for funding for school or room and board....

As Debbie suggested, I want to second the idea of posting on the Guatemala board - it's the most active of the international boards right now, and a lot of folks there had children come home at around that age with similar issues, ie attachment, grieving, etc. It is HARD, but it sounds like you're doing everything right - wearing her, keeping her close, etc. Do you know this website: [url=http://www.a4everfamily.org/]A4everFamily.org - HOME[/url]? It's about helping adopted babies with attachment, and maybe some of the recommended activities would be useful in helping your daughter adjust and learn to trust you. I KNOW how difficult the lack of sleep can be! I second the Weissbluth book, which has been a godsend to us - though it sounds like this isn't the time to do any kind of cry-it-out with your daughter, obviously. All I can say is IT WILL GET BETTER!!! Hang in there - and though I know right now it all feels crazy and overwhelming, I do want to add CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW DAUGHTER!!!

OK, you can all kick me for saying this . . . but having a baby in your room means you have no personal time for you and your husband to feel like a couple again. For me, that would certainly add to the stress of a new child in the home. Is there any way you might transition her to her own room so that, at the very least, your lives could feel somewhat "normal" again? I've never adopted internationally, but we did adopt a 2 year old. Fortunately, she slept like a log in her own room immediately, but she did share her room with our 3 year old son and bonded to him very quickly. I will tell you, though, that it did take me longer to bond to her than to the 3 children that entered our home as infants. Our daughter is 10 now and has blossomed into a beautiful and affectionate child that we love dearly. Don't beat yourselves up. Is it possible to get into an adoptive parent group so that you and vent a bit to folks who understand completely what you are feeling (or not feeling)??

we have a small 2 bedroom home, my 3 yr old daughter is in one room and we have the other...eventually our new addition will share a room with her sister, but until then she is in our room...sad to say my husband and i have relquished ourselves to sleeping on our fold out couch in the living room!she's doing a little better, every other night she does great (only wakes for a bottle feeding once around 2;30) but the opposite nights are tantrum crying till i cave every couple hours...

I'm sending you guys HUGE hugs right now, I know what your going through. Our son has been home now for two months and it started out reall bad with day/night issues( Ethiopia) and with all the changes for our bio-daughter(5) it was hard...oh who am i kidding it's still hard but getting him on a strick schedule helped alot. I'm still REALLY struggling to bond with him and want to love him like i do my daughter.....but I don't most of the time. But the fact that i can now say MOST of the time shows me that it's getting better( 1cm at a time). being on this site( just joined last night) has made me feel so much better and not alone. I need mayor help with this issue and I want to support you to. i will email you everyday to be there fo you if it will help. No one told me I would go through this and it's almost like a dirty secret I can't tell anyone( Not even DH knows I'm going through this) it will get better and i'm looking forward to six months from now to see how I feel( I see from others that it can take that long) and trying to keep this in mind and pray alot on it. I hope I helped and your post has helped me feel not alone and crazy. HUGS