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It started with the maternal cousin, who sent me a message and was very nice and respectful. Then the bio father sent the kids a friend request. :grr: The kids have been with me for 7 years. I'm their mom. Dad refers to me as "foster mom". He promises them gifts and money. Told my son he'd get him tattooed by the end of the year. Refers to them by their birth names. I wouldn't mind him being part of their lives, if he can be respectful...he acts like they've been at the babysitter's house for 7 years. Because my kids are older I can't tell them not to talk to him, I don't want them to feel like they have to sneak around. So far they've came to me everytime he's contacted them. I'm starting to sense that they are a little uncomfortable with talking to him, so they usually just text him. Because of his extensive criminal record I asked the children not to give him our home address or telephone number. I feel like my hands are tied. How do I deal with this ?
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Sorry it's going this way. Happened to us when my son was 17. Acted as if I didn't count, referred to herself as his "true parent", etc. We had a pretty terse email exchange, with me laying down some boundaries and she telling me what she thought. Good news is that all is well now- 4 yrs later. My best communications were written with compassion and peace- my worst were written in anger. Hope you have someone safe to hear you out, affirm you, and then help you return to compassion and peace and strength.
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Ask them if they are feeling uncomfortable and if so ask them if they want you to step in. Be happy that they are coming to you and letting you know. This is one of my fears that bm will contact dd and dd not tell me. I think you are doing good by not telling them they can't, because they would just sneak around and it's good that you have some rules with it. The not telling about addresses and such, that's being safe. Other than that I'm not sure what else to do or say but to talk to your kids about it and to make sure they know that you are there.
The kids always know they can talk to me about anything. I did ask if they were uncomfortable they said they really don't understand how they feel right now. It was exciting at first, but now they just don't know. I think it's hard because it seems like the parents lives haven't changed. The dad is still living the same lifestyle that led to him being sent to prison. I have written several drafts of a letter I want to send to dad. The first few drafts I was pretty angry. Now I just want him to understand that he might be causing the children pain.
I guess as a bmom and a mom I would try to encourage them to cut the ties. If the people in this family are not trying to improve their life - things are not changing and I would be afraid it would come back to my kids. I guess it's just me but this scares me. I would be worried about why this person has been in prison?
Maybe sit down with the kids and find out exactly what they are/aren't comfortable with and exactly what they want the boundaries to be. Let them know that you respect their input, and as their parent, you are willing to lay down whatever boundary lines they feel are appropriate at this time.
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Oh, I know why they've been in prison. That's probably what concerns me the most. Both parents have a violent past. (not towards the kids) I don't know... Everyone is acting the same as always. (for now) They haven't mentioned dad since last week, but that could be because we're all focused on the new school year. My impression is that he wasn't very respectful to the kids when he talked to them. (Didn't want to know about their lives, acted like nothing had changed, etc..) I just know my stress level has went down. I was in panic mode for a few days. I do feel better since I sat down and talked to the kids. I just want to handle it the right way, which is hard becuase I don't even know what I'm doing. My heart tells me to be still and just watch.