Our 8 yr. old is driving me crazy!

The age thing-my 3 year old grandson is the size of a 5 year old(gross and fine motor skills as well). My son got his 12 year old molars at 18 and his bone age test put him 2 years behind his real age and his real age was verifyable so who knows on that. Did your agency offer training regarding attachment and bonding? Kids with attachment disorder or attachment issues often have a high need to control their environment. It might be benenficial to consult a therapist familiar with international adoption and attachment. They may be able to give you some parenting incite to work with his particular needs without disrupting everyone else.

Tiff, My condolences, we've certainly been there and it is no fun. It really sounds like your son's behavior falls right into the category of what I think has been most accurately called "traumatized child" behavior. There are other labels and many approaches to try to address it, but I don't think there are any simple. easy or fast answers. I do think that it takes a total commitment from the parent to survive it and that you need to use "nontraditional" parenting to be successful at helping your child heal. This is really rough stuff for a parent because it will challenge your preconceptions, your sanity, and your ability to function while sleep deprived. My only concerns from your post is that you still seem to believe that you can always win these confrontations. Any parent would like to always win, but there is a high likelihood that he will find ways and situations to push back where you simply can't force what you want to happen. Letting go of the need to win is hard, but will help you stay sane and will actually help your son see that these situations are not that important. He is digging in his heels and fighting so hard because his internal sense of survival is out of whack and he is really behaving like it is a life and death situation on whether he goes to his sibling's baseball practice or not. If you fight back and force him to go, you may be prolonging that insecurity and making him fight again the next time. If you could have split the family, and one parent stayed with him while the other went to practice, it might have shown him that he doesn't have to always fight so hard. He's desperately trying to keep himself safe by trying to make everything into his image of the world. Being forced onto the floor of the car may just teach him that he really is unsafe and if he tries to fight someone will, quite literally, sit on him. Notice, I say "may be" in all these statements because it is impossible to know the right answers for a given situation, even if I had alll the facts. I will probably get slammed for the paragraph above, because many will insist that with RAD/traumatized kids, you MUST enforce your will and control because they have none. I agree, they have no control, the question becomes how do you teach it to them. It is complex because you have to address their fears, respect and love them, and still enforce that you are the one in control of the household. I'm sure you are trying to do all these things for your son and that his need to control is completely driving you crazy. That issue is so hard for all of us. It will take a long time for his fears to change significantly and allow changes in his behavior, but you'll get there! Good luck!

Hmm, don't recall anyone suggesting trying to control a rad/traumatized child. It is suggested that the parent control the environement and often set high, high structure so the child can feel safe and in control. (Let's face it, they lost everything they knew and likely feel mighty out of control in this new life) It's also good to remember that that high structure needs to be balanced with great love and empathy. And while forcing a kid into a car isn't normally the best solution, when there are others to consider, it is sometimes necessary. The other children should not have to give up everything because of this one child's needs. While it could give a negative reaction to the child it also could make it clear to the child that mom/dad is strong enough to handle all situations. It's tough to balance everyone and takes lots of practice and lots of trial and error.

To Lucy, We always seem to find a way to disagree even when we agree. Anyway, I like the how you put it that you control the structure, not the child, which is good. It's just that the effect I see is that parents often try to just control, period. And, I did admit that this could have been a case (going to the baseball practice) where it was necessary to force the issue. I'm just concerned because when it gets physical, it needs to be for solid reasons and not just convenience or to make sure the parent "wins." To me, the most important issue is whether or not you are making your child feel safe. Rigid schedules, few options for activities, and consistent discipline can all make them feel safe by removing uncertainty. So does love and empathy, and it is hard to balance it all. As a final note, to Tiff I would suggest to remember that those "honeymoons" between misbehavior really represent who your son is and who he wants to be. The misbehavior is based on deep-set fear and uncertainty and when you can damp those down his behavior will improve. It will take a long time.

Are you in therapy? If not, I would suggest that you try family therapy, hopefully with someone experienced in attachment issues (not saying he has RAD or anything, but as he attaches firmly with the family, his behaviors hopefully will improve).

"And while forcing a kid into a car isn't normally the best solution, when there are others to consider, it is sometimes necessary. The other children should not have to give up everything because of this one child's needs. While it could give a negative reaction to the child it also could make it clear to the child that mom/dad is strong enough to handle all situations." I don't know how to quote but mom/dad may NOT always be able to control this child physically as this child grows bigger & they grow older-hopefully thru therapy they can maintain control & not rely on always being bigger/stronger than the child to control the situation.

I think when people hear the word "control", they think of it as a negative. Like brainwashing or dictatorship. Thats not the case at all. I "control" my daughter, because she can't control herself. I have to make decisions for her that a healthy child at her age would be able to handle without me. To me, that is true love and empathy. Without those boundaries, her life would be chaos. I don't see what tiff01 did was wrong. If my family were going somewhere and my daughter had a fit, I would make her go. And I have had to physically put her in the car. Thats part of being a family. You give for the best of the entire group. One child should not dictate what everyone does. I'm not saying that all the time this child should be forced to do things against his will. If possible, yes, leave one parent at home. Or if you know that is a trigger for your child, have a backup plan. But that isn't always possible. I think most of us do balance control with love and empathy. I assume the parents that have foster children have them because they love them and they understand that their behaviors come from trauma. They are just asking how to deal with a tough situation.

One of ours is frequently defiant like this. If he can't find anything else to be defiant about then he'll do it on crazy stuff. One time he spent most of the morning in the office, constantly complaining about how hungry he was. Then at lunch time he refused to come with me because he knew he isn't allowed to stay in the office alone (its our lockable safe room).We had a car episode too, just last Sunday. He refused to put his shoes on and then refused to get in the car, then refused to buckle. We lucked out on the timing. We were going to make a stop on the way to church so we had extra time. We went ahead and drove with him unbuckled until we got to the main road. Then we pulled over. I got him out and then he and I walked the rest of the way while my wife drove. He was still in bare feet. I carried his shoes but he stubbornly refused to ask for them. After church we avoided the fight. He and I walked all the way home (4 miles). By this time he had his shoes on. I never showed anger. It was a beautiful day. I enjoyed the walk and he pretended that he did too. So far he hasn't repeated his defiance when it comes to car travel.

Jeff, I like your story and it's really tough to not show anger at times like that. I think you showed him that his behavior wouldn't work but did it in a way that still showed compassion and that he was important to you. He probably did enjoy the walk, but I doubt that he will try to have it repeated. That's cool.