a-parents and hospital

I relinquished during the closed adoption era and was knocked out during the delivery and that was that (until I found him 22 years later...) I always ache a bit when I read a bit about moms who got to hold their baby, feed their baby, SEE their baby! It sounds like you NEED to do it. Don't let anyone stand in your way. It is your LEGAL right as well as your heart felt desire. I wish you all the best!

You don't need to place your child with this couple. You still can change your mind and find another couple. If this is how the pap is acting now I really do like how she make act after placement. *red flags are waving

I'm so glad that you followed your heart and changed your birthplan. I think holding your daughter first is something you will cherish forever (I do!) I'm also glad you reconsidered breastfeeding. At the end of the day, if holding your daughter and breastfeeding renders you unable to sign the papers - then you weren't meant to sign them! If you still are intent on placing, I would rethink this couple as the parents. Like the others, I never really say this, but in this case it just seems crystal clear to me. They're already behaving in a possesive manner and are already discounting your needs and feelings. That's NEVER a good jumping off point for any kind of relationship, let alone one of this magnitude that will be lifelong. My thoughts are with you!!! :grouphug:

s00nerfanatic, I am simply stunned, I am sitting here, tears of sadness, and speachless. I am going to try not to say something that will HURT other seemingly good parents. Very rarely is it MY opinion, that ADOPTION is in the best interest of a newborn child...VERY RARELY! I cannot agree more with Most every single wise person , whom has stepped up, and given you such sound advice! Friends are very, very rare! Sweetheart...this is NO friend. This may hurt to hear, but please SEE this now. I will simply answer your plight, with a question; "Are these people, really the ones, you are willing to trust YOUR daughter to.... for the rest of HER ENTIRE life?" YOU , have ALL rights to do as you wish...for as long as you wish! After, spending ALL the time..days, weeks, whatever, you would like, then you can honestly say, goodbye, and MEAN it. DO NOT LET ANYONE take that time from you! There ARE many wonderful couples, whom will offer true, love to YOUR daughter, and they will do so happily...and be willing to allow you to be in her life. Make a decision, based on what YOU want! Blessings C.J.:love:

I am a birthmother - I can not even believe what I read. It is never to late to back out. take your baby home and find suitable parents. My baby was 8 months... please. i can see my child anytime I want I can talk to her anytime I want. You should be able to do the same NOT HOLD YOUR BABY FIRST???? what??? its your baby...yours! not hers yours... this baby will always be your first and always will be your baby! they should welcome you into thier arms as family ..... oh my gosh i am so upset for you. I am here if you need to talk. But please please please hold your baby take him her home for however long you need to .... it never to late ok..... i would serously consider the people you choice - they havent even adopted your baby and they are trying to put HUGE restrictions on you .... can you imagen what they will do or say once it is said and done..... this is your baby... your say.... you decide.... not them on what you get to do....!

I'm also not clear why you have to run all your decisions prior to TPR through this couple. You do NOT need their permission or approval to breastfeed your baby, hold you baby, take her home, etc. while you are still her legal mother. The fact that you are worrying about how your rightful decisions will make them feel and then feeling guilty or selfish when they don't approve concerns me. This is your time to have with your baby and while I imagine it must be hard for the potential aparents, this is the only time you will have with her if you choose to place. Based on what you have told us thus far, I can't help but feel this match is not a good one for you. I'm sorry to say that, and it's not up to me to tell you to back out, but I see so many red flags here and I feel for you. Are you working through an agency? And can you look into other couples or the couple that you were originally going to go with??? Please do not feel obligated to the couple you are with now. If you are having this many concerns prior to TPR, I can only imagine what will be after. Also, are you doing an OA or semi OA?? And can you trust that this couple will follow through on what the terms are without freaking out or making you feel guilty or selfish every time you ask for something that was part of your original agreement, or worse, cutting you off completely?? Please, please think this through and do not feel rushed or pressured into anything.

Wow S00nerfan- I can not believe this situation. As an amom I'm appalled that this woman is placing these type of stipulations on you. It's not up to her who holds your baby first. NO ONE should be tellling you otherwise.The others are right- you deserve that time with your baby. It is a bonding time for the two of you & you should be having that. It's best for you & the baby. DD's bmom definately held her when she was first born - she was the first person to hold her. We got to the hospital the day after she was born & gave her all the time she needed to be with DD. If this is what you want then that's what should be happening. If this woman is treating you this way now then imagine how she's going to treat you for the rest of your life. Are you doing an open adotion or semi open? If so I'd be very concerened that she'd keep her side of the agreement & send updates / pictures / arrange visits as she's supposed to. I really question if this woman has the baby's best interest in mind. If she's this possessive now how is she going to act when your child is older & wants to talk about the adoption experience? I'm so sorry you're going through this- I can not imagine how awful this must feel for you now. You ARE NOT selfish in one bit- she is to act this way. Please, Please, Please- listen to the bmoms on this site- from what I've seen they are extremely smart ladies who are very caring & ready to help. This just doesn't seem like a good situation. I'll keep you in my prayers :flower:

Am I ever glad that I wasn't the only one seeing all kinds of red flags waving here. I wanted to say so much more but had a situation in my family that required immediate attention. Everyone else has said what I was meaning to say though. I just want to add that I don't care how close of a friend this may or may not be. Nothing and no power on earth should keep you from holding and loving on YOUR baby. By all means take your baby to breast if you are so inclined. I am not a bmom, but when my babies were born the minute they were placed in my arms was the most magical time. Honestly, as much I love dh, he didn't mattter, it was just me and baby and the earth stood still. I am an adoptee from the closed era who was blessed with the greatest aparents in the world. I never had a desire to search, but when I did finally find out who bmom was and heard that she chose not to hold me or see me, it hurt. That was the most hurt that ever experience in my adoption. Especially after holding my own babies, I could not phathom a mother refusing to do the most natural thing in the world. I am so happy you decided to bring your daughter home. Please rethink this adoption plan with these people. If you decide to parent , this is not a bad thing at all. It just means that this was not meant to be their baby.. EZ

If she's that close a friend to you, she should not be thinking you are "causing trouble." Close friends don't feel that way about one another when it comes to emotional issues. They support and understand, not demand. If you ask me, she's being the selfish one. You are right when you say that she has a lifetime with the child, she should not be upset over a few days. Her insecurites are for her to deal with, not for you to tiptoe around. I too wonder a lot about this match. Remember, you are bonded to your child AND HER FAMILY for life.(if in fact you are having an OA) If she's already trying to push her needs and insecurities on you before birth, it's probably not going to get better after TPR and this relationship is not going to survive, and I feel as if you are going to end up with your heart in pieces. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I am really leery of someone who would behave in such a self centered way. This is about the child, and how could a child not benefit from alone time with it's mother? And to allow you the time YOU need to make the right decision and be certain and confident in it. You hold your ground and follow your heart and do what YOU feel comfortable with. If she can't handle that, she isn't the right mother for your child, and believe me, there is the right situation out there for you.

Do what you feel in your heart, this is a part of you that will never leave your heart,soul, or mind. I am a birth sister looking for my birth sibling given up for adoption and my mother was not given the chance to hold her(back in 70's). I am sure this must be the hardest obstacle that you will ever have to deal with, but as long as the love between mother and child is there, than their will always be an un-breakable bond.

You've gotten some very valuable and wise advice from all of the previous posters...I hope you take it to heart, and I hope and pray that you rethink your choice of adoptive parents for your baby. This entire thread is so amazing to me because it is so rare to see a thread where every single person from all three sides of the triad are in complete agreement. Every single person on this thread is warning you about all the red flags that are being raised in your situation. I am so relieved that you have decided to see and hold your baby. When I delivered my son in 1972, my doctor and the nurses wouldn't even tell me what gender my baby was, much less let me see him. I was supposed to have a natural birth, and the doctor knew I wanted to watch my baby being born. I knew something was wrong when they wheeled me into the delivery room and turned the overhead mirror over so I couldn't see anything. As my son was crowning, the nurses tied my hands down and a gas mask was placed over my face...I was knocked out. The doctor later explained to my mother that he didn't want me to hear my son's first cries. When my son was a young teenager, his parents contacted me through the adoption agency and began sending photos and short updates. When he was around 16, he asked them to find out if I had ever held him or seen him. I am told that he was absolutely devastated when he found out that I hadn't held him. He was able to talk about those feelings with me when we reunited a few years later. But to this day, he still feels really sad and cheated that we didn't have any time together when he was born. (When he was younger, he wanted to sue the doctor who delivered him!) As some members have told you, I think it's super important to say hello to your baby before saying goodbye. It's important for the both of you... Please really think over your choice of parents for your child. Nothing is written in stone as of yet. And you are perfectly within your rights to choose another family for your child. Is it really in your baby's best interest to be placed with this particular family...this is the question you need to ask yourself.

As Raven said YES It is ABSOLUTELY devastating to know that your own mother, the one who gave birth to you was not able to or did not want to hold you. As i said, I have has a wonderful adoption experience and a fantastik life. If I had to chose I would have chosen my aparents, but it stung and hurt me to the core when I found out I was not held by the woman who should have been so happy to welcome me into the world holding me close and making me feel safe in her arm and just loving ome me, even if for a short period of time.. EZ

Just chiming in to agree with everyone else--but the idea that the prospective adoptive parents want you not to hold your child is horrifying. I was clear from the start that the birthfather and I would parent our son for the first day--we kept him with us, I breastfed him--and then we handed him over to his forever parents. But if they had tried to talk me out of that time, especially if they had then announced that they were immediately going to take the baby to another state, I would have found another match.

Dear Sooner, Hi. The question that jumped out at me after reading your follow-up post was this.... If it were me, I would ask myself what's more important......A chance to hold and love my child before I relinquish or offending someone who is a supposed friend? ((( Sooner ))) Kiddo...you've got enought to deal with. These people are harrassing you, IMO. They're waaayyy out of line. Look, (and no hostility meant at all - honest).....straight up no bull........adoption is the hardest thing you will ever do. I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm simply saying that you'll never do anything harder. You are going to have to trust all of us posting here on this one because we've lived it from all sides. I for one can't imagine spending my life not only learning to accept the decisions I needed to make but also having to swallow the bitter pill of knowing that I gave up my sacred right to hold my child in order to keep peace with someone who was not at all what I thought they were. Get an advocate and seriously consider finding another couple, my opinion only. Things are not going to improve with these people and, if this is the way they are treating you, one can't help but start to see why others might've changed their minds about choosing these people as parents. ((((Sooner)))) - I've seen what makes up kind, honorable and self-assured aparents. They are the aparents posting in here to you. They are the mark, Sooner. The kind of folk I hope my children were raised by. I would PM them privately if you're having doubts. I am certain they can reassure you and show you through their actions and kindess what it is you're looking for in an adoptive couple if you are still planning to relinquish. Keep posting sweetie.

If potential Aparents are like that now.. I wonder what they will going to be like later on..Do you hope to have these people in your life for the rest of your life, being a closed adoption or not they will be your childs mother and father..And if you are planning for an open adoption I see lots of red flags..Even even if they keep their promisses you will not feel welcomed.. Do you want a mother figure in your childs life that does not have respect for you and your rights.Who does not care how you feel..And the only person she thinks about is herself.Do you want to be with these people for the rest of your life.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF AND TO YOUR CHILDDD...? You can find aparents for your daughter and you can also find help for parenting.. You do not have to be with this couple..I am sorry may be I sound harsh but.. I see no light at the end of this tunnel..