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Has anyone ever had a child close the open adoption?
My daughter was 8 when we adopted her. Her bmom's stepdad contacted us and wanted visits. He is an OK person, he did try to take care of her when he could. We started visits about 6 months ago. All are supervised, we have rules about what can be discussed, ect.
After the last visit she began having nightmares. My daughter has since decided that she does not want any more visits or calls. She is so adamant about it. She wants all of his gifts put in the attic or thrown away.
He still calls but I've told him she isn't ready to visit for a while. I am going to still be in contact with him and update him, just no visits.
I have such mixed emotions about all of this. HAve I read him all wrong and allowed someone who hurt her to have visits? I've tried really had to keep her a connection to her roots even though it isn't the best of beginnings. Maybe that was a mistake in this case.
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How could you have known, or know if he's hurt her? It's not your fault. You've made the wise decision to stop the visits based on how she feels. That's where you are showing whats in her best interest. Don't beat yourself up about this.
It could even be that he didn't do anything to her, but it reminds her of what she had been through while around him.
I can only commend you for recognizing the needs of your daughter and stopping the visits.
Maybe in time she'll open up and express to you why she doesn't want to see him.
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It's ok to stop the visits if it is causing her problems. You're lucky that she is old enough to tell you there's a problem. He may not have ever done anything to her, but apparently for her, he is a connection to a bad past and just visiting him is bringing up old wounds and she doesn't want to go there. Give her what she needs. It's also ok to keep contact with him through updates. Maybe in time you will be able to find out why she really doesn't want to see him.
An IRL foster mom friend has adopted at least 2 of her former fks. This sib set had an open adoption until last year when they asked her to close it. They were 8 and 9 I believe. They said they just don't want to do this now. And she honored that. She keeps up with b-mom's whereabouts and updates her, but that's all.
The hard part is telling the family member, I would guess.
Hugs to you and congrats to you and your dd for being aware of her needs.
I have also done this. My sons are biological sibligs, one wanted to meet and visit with his birth family, the other didnt. I have stated that my agreement is with the adults (to update/send pictures etc) but that they have total control over if they want contact or not.
So that's what we do - I agree to send letters/emails or updates, but the kids arent forced into any direct contact unless they want it. One son does sometimes, the other never does so far.
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