Why should I support an open adoption for my older Fost/Adopt child?

I think parents all feel like this at some time whether it be adopted kids or bio kids. I have 2 children (1 bio and 1 adopted). You have to know deep in your heart you are doing the best for this child by giving Sparkle stability and love. Kids may not show it all the time (I know 1 of mine is a teenager!) but they do love you and will realize in time material things are not what is good for them. Don't let the stability of her life now interfere with your future fears. Just parent her and show her love and the stability she needs and she will eventually come back. Even if she does leave at 18 then you know in your heart you gave that child much more then materialistic things. You gave her things money can't buy which her parents can't (or they would have custody). You have the right to limit contact. It's up to you. As the previous poster said she may be feeling guilty about loving both you and her biofamily. Let her know it's "OK" to love them both and you will be there for her no matter what. She doesn't have to pick a side and ler her express her fears too. You can setup a limited contact schedule (not in writing though!) and try it out. If it doesn't work you can always withdraw (especially if their relationship is unhealthy). I told my daughter (bioniece) that her Mom made the wrong choices and she is living here with us to keep her safe. She seems to understand that alot more now as she grows older and has been in therapy. I also suggest therapy if you don't alreay have it to help with the issues. It's amazing what a good therapist can do (if you find the right one!)

Thank you all so much for your posts! These boards save my sanity most of the time! We're planning to sit down with her therapist to discuss it more. She's still pretty new to Sparkle's case (her old Therapist of 5+ years left shortly after placement began and the one who took over did nothing), but I really like this new therapist, who is also a licensed social worker (not with DCF/DSS), and she has advocated for us on numerous occasions with this case. She said if we decide on written letters, she would be a pass-through and make sure the letters are appropriate. Awesome lady--we're lucky to have found her! I guess I have to explain more about why I'm scared of her walking away--it's not so much that I think she'll do it, she adores her older brother (he took care of her before they were removed) and when he ages out next year, she's said he's going to move back in with their parents. She'll go wherever her brother goes. I just found out that her older brother has also guilted her, saying what she was doing to her parents is going to hurt them (as in, wanting to be adopted by us). We found this out from his foster parent just last night. My main worry is that no matter what we set up, they're going to ignore. She's been in care since 2003 with a bunch of homes and 2 disruptions. They have never once gotten this close to TPR with her. I have a lot of anger when I realize she'd been lost in the shuffle. The rationale we were given was that she was never in a stable placement so they didn't want to terminate rights. We're the most stable pre-adoptive placement she's ever had, supposedly! She's been in regular therapy since coming into care and she gets a lot out of it. She's always been verbal about her feelings (something I could learn from her!!). In her last placement, she got to the point of knowing home is not an option and she's okay with it most of the time. It's after visits that she gets melancholy. She knows she gets a visit every month, but only asks about it at the end of the month if she hasn't had a visit yet. I like the idea of waiting awhile before we have any sort of contact. Her other siblings (living with Bio Aunt and one of our supporters/allies) each have 1 visit with each parent per year and I'm hoping we can use their rules/ideas to build on. I know Sparkle craves a fresh start--she's talked a lot about changing her first and last name lately. We're getting her involved in new things like Tae Kwon Do, Girl Scouts, and Soccer. She loves going to upstate to visit my family and says a lot of it is because no one knows her story and she can start off new. We try to help her in whatever way we can. Every night when I tuck her in, I always tell her she's a good girl (even when she's angry at me and won't talk). She didn't believe me for awhile, then she started telling me I was a good mom. Her SW is doing whatever he can for us--he's been very up front with Sparkle about what's going on and we've had a family discussion with him about how she needs to let go. It started long before we were involved with her case. She's a smart girl and she knows it's an unhealthy situation (at one point, a parent bragged about a tattoo of a swastika and she freaked out). I went back and re-read my post because now I feel like I'm so selfish for not wanting an open adoption, even though I know she wants to still have a relationship with her parents. We've told Sparkle that we're not trying to replace her biological parents, but that we're hoping she has a big enough heart to allow us into her heart too. We're completely open to allowing her to see her siblings on a regular basis--we're on great terms with her Aunt who has them. Thank you all again for all of your help talking me through this!

I wouldn't feel selfish about it at all, since your motives are not simply ones of wanting her to yourself or just because you don't want her to have contact. There are valid reasons for it and you have her best interests in mind too.We as parents deny our kids some things because it's in their best interests. We also make them do things for the same reasons. Sometimes a compromise is reached and we can allow for some leeway, but ultimately we have to set strong boundaries for our kids in general. So that's the way I'd look at it in terms of contact. Plus, minimizing contact does not mean things won't change later if her bio family turns around and starts acting in HER best interests as well.

I think it is hard to have an open adoption when it began in foster care. I would tell the dad that once the adoption is final, I am in charge and there are rules to follow. Break one, and it is all over. I know this sounds harsh, and not something I would do in a domestic open adoption. So far he has already shown he will be hard to deal with. I would let him know quickly that I was her mother and he had to respect it, at least in front of the child. I would also probably start off with sending them pictures and letter updates at least for a year. Let them write letters that you will keep. If things seem OK after that, reevaluate any possible visits. My daughter thought she wanted visits with her step-grandfather. Once we had a few it was so painful to remember what had actually been her life she closed all visits and calls.If a child has been through that much already, the best thing you can give her is security and a sense of stability. Best wishes.

In open adoptions YOU set the rules clearly and precisely. If they don't follow them then that is their fault, not yours and not your daughters. As long as the rules are set in stone and clear I wouldn't at all feel guilty. And if you feel it's in her best interest for no contact then do whatever is best for her. You will be her Mom and you know what is best for her. Don't feel guilty at all. It sounds like she is trying to manipulate you like her parents are manipulating her (by making her feel guilty). I would stand my ground and show her you will always protect her no matter what. In our verbal agreement with my SIL when we adopted our daughter we agreed to receive letters and cards. We received ALOT in the beginning and I screened each and everyone of them. Her biomom was very good in wording her letters and I found none that I wouldn't give our daughter. Then instantly when the adoption was finalized we didn't receive anymore. We haven't received anything since June 2008. So, just because they show an interest now, they may give up after the adoption is final. They may feel like they can push her buttons now to get her to go against you. Just keep doing what you are doing and give her the love and security she craves. When my daughter came to us she was afraid of everything! She demanded we set the security alarm at our house every night, she demanded my husband slept on the couch to protect her from anyone coming in the front door, she demanded a nightlight. Well, after 2 yrs of living here she doesn't need any of that anymore. I told her and I keep telling her we are here to protect her and she is safe here. I think they love hearing that and it helps alot! Just doing what you are doing (being a good role model/Mom) will go along ways. Try not to worry about the "what ifs" and just worry about her best interests and stay in the present. It will all work itself out in the end :) BTW: The previous FP's were the ones whom wouldn't abide by our rules when she moved here. I know it was hard for them however we wanted what was best for our daughter. The foster grandma even mailed our daughter a card with a list of "things i miss about you" which included a bunch of things. I know if I had given that to our daughter it would have made her feel bad this woman was hurting and missing her. I'm holding it for her until I'm sure she's ready to see it. I may have her therapist look at it first. I really felt that was inappropriate for her to get a week after moving with us. So, needless to say her biomom followed the rules and the previous fp's had a very hard time with it. So you never know! Hopefully her family will pleasantly surprise you! Let us know how it goes.

I'll just respond to this one, since I'm living it. Yes, she might. She might not. My son was 14 when we got him and nearly 16 when he was TPR'd and he is now 18 and DID go back to the bios. I don't think he's forgotten us - he sent me a text message on Mother's Day that said "Happy Mother's Day. I love you! :-)" It's not ideal and it hurts...but I know that I gave him a couple of years of "normal" that will stick with him in some way for the rest of his life, and *I* feel enriched from having been able to love and know him for a few short years. If I had known he'd go back to the bios, would I have taken him? No, probably not. But I'm glad that I didn't know that because I do believe it was still worth it.

With our kids, we worried about the appropriateness of having an open adoption. I'd worked out in my mind--thanks to all of the experiences of others on this forum--exactly how much I would be comfortable with. I even talked with the sw and cw about it. But then TPR happened and the judge decided for me. He ordered no further contact for anyone in the first family due to huge issues of criminal activity, drugs, alcohol and violence. You never know. Your issues may also be non-issues. This is not to say that I will not consider extending that bit of openness. I'm just going to wait awhile before I start. The kids are small and still need to process stuff. Sparkle may be older, but I'd bet she needs processing time as well. But you get to decide. She is YOUR daughter. I'm also a little confused about your statement that dad is refusing to sign off on the adoption. I'm assuming that y'all are trying to do this voluntarily. But it never ceases to amaze me that people can be so out of touch with reality (our kids' first mom, too) as to believe that they still have any power at all once the legal system moves this far. It's big stuff. I worry that Bubba will bolt the first chance he gets. He's only now, 2 years after placement, beginning to acknowledge any of the stuff that happened to him. You are Sparkle's mom. She knows it. You know it. First Dad knows it, too. Stay strong in doing what you know is right for your young lady. You aren't alone in this. But you are right.

Confusion is the big buzz word with our case. I'm confused because TPR has happened on all of her younger siblings and she and her older brother are not. All except 1 were voluntary.I personally would prefer to TPR through the courts, but some workers on the case feel it would be better to have it done voluntarily. I've been told by a blood relative (who has the siblings) that they do not trust the parents at all. Said to expect we may get all the way into the courtroom and then they'll sign (because they don't want the embarassment of losing two TPR cases within a year of each other).Right now, we're worried about having face to face visits and limiting their "gifts" to Sparkle, because she's good at manipulating to get the "stuff" she wants.And to add another layer to this case, I just had to schedule the next bio visit less than a week before the trial, so we're already expecting the behaviors to really go downhill. I'm going to start stocking up the Ben & Jerry's and chocolate now :)

I oppose open adoption in any instance where contact with bio parents could, even remotely, be harmful to the child(ren). I have lived it, and made this decision with our two year old when his adoption was finalized. I have no regrets for this decision, and firmly believe that it was the right thing for him.Our newest is older, at 12, and I feel the same way. When people (I don't listen to too many of them) will say, "What if she wants to see her bmother?" My best response, "She might want to eat twenty pounds of chocolate as well, but as her father, I won't let her, because it is not good for her, and could actually be harmful to her."You are/will be the parent, and you are charged with the court in protecting her best interests and doing what is right for her. I know that you will do what is right for her.Even when posting about open adoption on other areas of this forum, I have been flamed. It sounds good, but it is not always what is right.

We have a successful open adoption with our son who came as a foster child. I think there can be very valid reasons to close an adoption and everyone has to decide what is right for their family. In your original post you asked why to have an open adoption. Here are my reasons. (1) honoring where he came from. I don't want my son to feel that his history is shameful or something we need to hide. It wasn't pretty or perfect. But it is part of who he is. and he is wonderful. Great things can come out of bad situations and he is a great thing. (2) maintaining his ability to search. Sometimes I read posts where people say "If s/he wants to search when they turn 18 I will support that" . . . people move, names change, lives change. Particularly parents who have lost their children to foster care - they can just disappear. If I don't maintain contact with his bmom - it could cut off his ability to search or make it much more difficult. (3) I want my son to understand that his bmom loves him - and that she cannot parent him. I believe that visits will help him understand. (4) I don't want my son to have a cinderella complex (i.e my real mom would . . . ) (5) I want to have an open dialogue with my son about where he came from and why he was adopted. Visits keep us talking about it. (6) I want to teach my son the value of compassion. The best way to do that is to start with his bmom. I would also suggest that you cannot always predict that visits before TPR and post adoption visits will be the same. Ours were not. Prior to TPR visits were awful. He would bang his head on the floor, demand to leave and tantrum. (he was 2 and a half at adoption). We had about an eight month break between the last pre-TPR visit and the first post-adoption visit. and all of our post adoption visits have been fine . . . nice . . . enjoyable . . . and we are now (very slowly) opening the adoption a bit more (sending extra letters, a card on her birthday, allowing her parents to come to a visit). Post adoption visits are so different. The power dynamic is totally changed - I'm no longer nervous that she could turn it around and get him back. He's mine. I know it and she knows it. The visits are no longer at the department office in a small room. We meet at a playground and have a picnic. Much better environment. I don't know whether an open adoption is right for you. It is right for us and I am an advocate for open adoption wherever they can be done safely. I also have an open adopt where bmom is appropriate during visits and does not undermine us during visits. Our son was adopted when he was younger. But that could cut both ways. An older child may be more damaged and more attached to their bio family. As for the fear that she will someday choose her bio family over you. I think that is a reason to keep the adoption open rather than closed. For us, an open adoption means he doesn't have to choose. He can love us and love her at the same time and that's okay. Wanting to know his bmom doesn't mean rejecting us - it just means embracing his whole history - the good parts and the bad parts. Chose whatever is right for your family. THese are not easy decisions and know that your position can evolve and that's okay. Mine certainly did. Good luck.

I think you have a right to be guarded because of all that occured. I think OA's from foster care can be difficult because of the circumstances but in the end, I think you need to honor what your daughter wants. In your case, she wants contact with her bio family. That does not mean that you have to see each other all of the time. You should get to set the limits and if those limits are pushed or broken altogether, you can pull back a bit and maybe go straight to letters from a PO box. As far as her leaving you to go to her bio parents, I think that is a fear many aparents have, but remember your daughters role in all of this. She is the innocent one in the middle. I'm sure she would love to be able to have all of you in her life without feeling pulled in one way or another. Kids can feel that. My advice is to take things slow, love her with all of your heart and I don't think you will have any problems. Good luck!

I was also an advocate of open adoption. I thought that it was the honorable thing to do to allow my child's bioparents to have a relationship with him; I thought that the more people who love a child, the better. I thought that thaving an OA would help my child when he came to question why he was adopted and who his bios were. I thought it would be in his best interest to have an OA. I was SO wrong. I made ALOT of mistakes in my decision to have an OA. My biggest mistake was not completely appreciating the extent of the bios dysfunction. They have an extensive history with DYFS. They are both addicts. Addict lie, and lie often. They manipulate. Hindsight is 20/20. I thank God that a recent situation occurred that exposed the huge issues going on with the bios and that I discovered this before my baby was affected by this relationship. Our OA is now closed. I feel like I am not honoring my promise to allow the bios to have a realtionship with their child. I can't honor this anymore. Their actions dicatated this. Still, I feel bad; I feel sad that they can't know their child now because of their lies and manipualtions. It is sad. But, a relationship with them is not in my child's best interest. They are extremely unstable. My child was a newborn when placed with me; its a bit of a different situation than your child. But, please consider EVERY aspect of this OA, especially the bios and their stability. Maybe my big mistake can help someone else. Best of luck with your new daughter.

There are different ways to support an open adoption, from the looks of it the bio parents might not be a good influence.Maybe you could start with pictures and e-mails for the first year and go from there... baby steps are good :>)Good luck

I am in a very similar situation. Two kids (brother and sister). The older sibling is the girl. She is constantly lying and manipulating. We don't trust her and have that same thought that at 18 she will walk away and forget about us. Does it get any better? Will we ever be able to trust her? She is an older child and we are worried that she may already be stuck in her ways.

Well done mommytoeli!!!! I too have had these feelings! One thought is what about giving limited access through pics and cards that will all be screened prior to the child receiving. If it continues to be inappropriate, then stop the contact. At least you will have tried and tell your child that it was just not possible.