Advertisements
hi guys, i am a 27 yr old adopted woman who has found and met both my biological parents once, im writing this to ask advice on a situation concering my birth fathers side of the family.
i met my birth father a yr ago , he was very hesitant but since we live very close to one another he decided to do it, after meeting him he told me hey its nice to meet you but i havent told my other kids or really anyone about you and i dont think im going to . that kind of irked me, i mean wow, first off all i never asked him to, and secondly my two brothers are adults. i just dont get it, but this entire last yr ive had it on my mind to find my brothers i know thier names and i found one of them on the internet, but im hesitant i mean my birth father has since made it clear he wants little to do with me but i dont feel i should be kept from the rest of the family. but at the same time i do care i mean i dont want to contact one of my brothers and for all hell to break loose , i dont want to hurt anyone but i want to get to know them, what should i do?
Like
Share
Wow. What a dilemma. What appears to be at the crux of your dilemma is your need/right to know your b-brothers (and possibly, them to know you) versus your birth dad's need for secrecy. Whichever way you go, (i.e. contacting your birth brothers or not), someone will be unhappy - (i.e. your b-dad or you). I'm of the belief that your relationship with your birth brothers is between you and them, not for your b-dad to determine. If it were me, I'd first let my b-dad know that I was going to contact my b-brothers and first let my b-dad have the option to be the first one to break the news. I'd broach the subject by first acknowledging that my b-dad has a lot of sensitivities (for whatever reason) about me being known to the rest of the family. However, I'd also still stick firm to saying that I want to know my full birth roots and birth brothers since this is very important to me and that I don't feel that I should have to hide. If my b-dad still disagrees, I'd go ahead and still contact my b-brothers since I'm of the firm belief that we, as adoptees, have a right to know our birth relatives. In all respect to your b-dad's situation, I can appreciate that he may have a lot of unresolved emotions about you. However, I am also of the belief that full honesty is important - and this includes not hiding your existence.Ultimately you need to decide which are your prepared to deal with: 1) not knowing your b-brothers or 2) knowing your b-brothers and possibly having to deal with all hell breaking loose. In your gut, which do you feel better with: honoring your needs or your b-dad's? In the midst of all of this, do you have someone near you with whom you can rely on for emotional support - if not, perhaps a counsellor or mental health professional? The reason I ask is that I anticipate that contacting your b-brothers may be emotionally very tricky and so you may need some strong emotional support through the journey.
Advertisements
Yep. A dilemma as ripples said. The advice given is sound too.
I would certainly let your bfather know of your intent and I'd be sure to stress what us adoptees feel when it comes to finding out where we came from. Things like why is it that our mannerisms are so unlike anyone else in our adopted family. Sure many of us are in loving families but there is a level beyond that that some of us feel compelled to find. Just to talk to someone or look at someone who looks like us. My moms family has a "nose" for example. Almost everyone in my moms family has "the nose".
I suppose that we are just looking for our identity. It's tough to do but we still try to do it. Send him a letter and let him know what you are looking for. Of course it shouldn't be threatening but it should be firm that you will be making some attempt to contact them because you really want to meet and know those that come from the same roots as you do.
Hope it helps.
Best wishes.