Reunion Nears, Advice Please!

Welcome to the forums and congrats on your upcoming reunion. Please understand that reunion will not change the closeness you have with your adoptive parents. In fact, I have read that reunion most often brings a greater closeness between adoptees and their adoptive parents. I like to think of reunion in terms of bringing extended family members into your life. It is much more emotionally charged, of course, but it is only adding additional people, and that does not mean taking away from those already there that you have a whole history with. The best advice I can give is take things slowly and see how your relationship progresses with your birthfamily. You may find you have lots in common and there is a real connection there, or you may find that there is little in the way of a connection, but still a valuable experience in finding parts of yourself that you need to know, such as medical history or where you get your physical traits from. In time, you can integrate them into your life if you desire, just as you would integrate anyone else into your life. As for feeling you are hurting your parents, this is guilt, and as I'm fond of saying "guilt is a useless emotion." You are doing nothing wrong in wanting to know your biological family and history. Yes, reunion will stir up issues for everyone, including your parents (both birth and adoptive), but those are THEIR issues to work out. You are not responsible for that, only your own emotions which will be quite enough to handle! They don't call reunion a "rollercoaster ride" for nothing, but I believe (even though I've yet to go through it) it is worthwhile, even if it doesn't turn out how you expected. I think it can be very healing and can be the catalyst for a great deal of growth. Best of luck to you. Just keep coming here, reading up on reunion (there are a number of books that deal with adoption reunion you can find on Amazon.com) and if you have a triad support group or adoptee support group in your area, that can be extremely helpful to attend.

Earler I had typed up a response to you and then lost it...came back to redo it and read peachy response and realized she said what I would have said ...only better! The only thing I can add is that I know how you are feeling, because I felt the same way butI let it turn me in circles....that is the guilt...that is the feeling if you appear to care to much one way or the other SOMEONE is going to get hurt...its nota good feeling. You finding bfamily has nothing to do with your afamily..they are seperate. The experiances and memroies you have with your afamily can never be replaced. That is a bifg part in who you have become as well as the inherited strenths and weaknesses. There is nothing wrong with you knowing andcaring about that part of yourself. In an ideal world both families will understand that and both will work to make it easy for you to assimulate it all. That could happen, it may not. I have seem where it has happened so its nopt impossible.

Congratulations on arriving at the roller coaster. I have to say that I believe that my bson has managed the difficult first steps between his aparents and myself very well. All of us are clear that D and I being in relationship does not change his relationship with his aparents. I think it took his mom a while to believe I wouldn't replace her in any way. D has invited us (my husband and children as well as myself) to family birthday parties and Christmas gatherings since we've been in reunion so we've all spent time together. Your relationship with your birth family will in part depend on your personalities and expectations. Remember that you are close to your parents and aren't turning away from them; you are adding to your circle of relatives and learning about your genetic heritage. I firmly believe that reunion can enrich all our lives. I hope it proves so for you.

First of all, congratulations on finding your birth family! I suggest reassuring your adoptive family of your love for them and that you'll never ever replace them. And get ready for an emotional roller coaster. Here's a write-up of common stages of reunion [URL="http://forums.adoption.com/making-contact/141637-relationship-stages-after-reunion.html#post420754"]http://forums.adoption.com/making-contact/141637-relationship-stages-after-reunion.html#post420754[/URL] If possible, I'd recommend bringing along a friend for emotional support - this will also be helpful afterwards when you'll want to 'debrief'. A book that I found helpful was, "Adoption and Recovery: Solving the Mystery of Reunion". There are lots of other great reading materials about adoption - you can start by reading the 'Reunite' section on this web site [URL="http://reunion.adoption.com/"]Adoption Search & Reunion - Adoption Records, Registry, Birth Mother, Birth Father, Birthparents & A[/URL] In my own experience, I had never imagined just how many buried emotions I had regarding adoption until I was reunited with my birth family (the book talks about this). I was truly shocked upon discovering all these emotions - and your birth family and adoptive family members may encounter similar. My main piece of advice is to go as fast as the slowest person in the triangle. Some may want to go really fast and get really close, others not, and it can be a real trial and error situation of 'negotiating emotional boundaries' and reading between the lines. It really is a journey into unknown emotional territory. If you can also draw upon past experiences of dealing successfully with emotionally stressful and ambiguous situations, do - this includes doing whatever you can to stay in touch with what you're prepared to do and not prepared to do, how you interpret your own and other people's emotional confusion, how to communicate both within yourself and with others. Keep in mind that often what people say/do isn't exactly what they mean - in my experience there really can be a lot of emotional stumbling on all sides. If you can find a counsellor as well, I'd highly recommend it as a lot of unexpected emotions may surface. And it's normal for all kinds of emotions to crop up - including euphoria, fear, pain, anger, guilt, etc; to even weird subconscious attractions to male birth family members (if you're female) or female birth family members (if you're male) - this is technically called 'genetic sexual attraction'. All the best to you in your journey. You're in good company here on these forums!

Oh, one more thing. My son and I are not yet in reunion, but I send him updates through an intermediary. The one thing that he has expressed is that he is happy that we all (me, him and his parents) are on the same page. They are supportive of his potential involvement with me, and I have expressed to them (in particular his mom) that I am not wanting to take away from her place as his mother or to pressure him into having contact if that is something he does not want or is not ready for. I think if all people are sensitive to where the others are coming from, it is so much more healthy than having expectations that it MUST go a certain way and then getting upset when those expectations aren't being met.

I kept mom in the loop at every stage of my reunion. Whether that will work for you I don't know. You have two families, that is a reality. You love your family you have grown up with, that is a reality. One family does not negate the other family. Good luck,Dickons

Well, Peachy, you beat me to it. I was going to say the same thing you did about everyone being on the same page!My son's parents were super supportive of our reunion. In fact they wanted it to happen earlier than it did. We had to wait until he turned 18 because the California state laws wouldn't allow it back in the 1980's. So we exchanged letters and gifts through an intermediary (the adoption agency), and then the post-adoptions caseworker called us all and exchanged phone numbers as soon all the paperwork was approved after his 18th birthday.I think reunions go much smoother when everyone is supportive. I know you're nervous, but you'll do just fine! I bet your birth mother is just as nervous as you are, lol. Be sure to keep us updated with how things go next month. :)

Keep it slow, keep it honest, and be open. It seems that a lot of the road bumps in a reunion occur over little trivial things. Above all. Relish the moment and enjoy it for all it is worth. Your bfamily may not be everything that you want or expect but you will get to know them. Something that many of us may never get to experience. Best wishes! :clap:

Thanks everyone for the good advice. It really is a rollercoaster, but so far so good. I've spend hours on the phone with my bmom and bsisters in the past few days. I'm really starting to feel close to them. Bsisters are from bdad's side. They all have been looking for me for over 25 years. They have even had private detectives working on it. I am overwhelmed in the sense that life changed forever, and many of my fantasies about why, how, what have been replaced by some really heavy reality. This forum has brought me alot of comfort, thanks everyone.