What is Adoptee Pullback?

Pullback can occur not only in adoptees, but also in birthparents, and I imagine extended family members can experience it as well. It is when things are going swimmingly in reunion (usually the "honeymoon phase") and then emotions run high or unexpected feelings come up that blindside someone, and then they pull back, due to feeling overwhelmed. It is common from what I gather, for there to be periods of pullback. My advice if you are heading towards reunion is to go slow, and most definitely take time to process all the overwhelming feelings that will come up. It is important to get counseling if you can, or find a support group. I am not yet in reunion (I'm a birthmom), but have attended support groups where birthmoms and adoptees who have been through reunion are in attendance. It has been very helpful to me in understanding the issues that can arise in reunion. I think it is important to be honest with yourself and your birthfamily. If you are feeling overwhelmed and need a "time out," take that time but it is probably best not to leave people hanging wondering what happened or what went wrong, but better to explain that you need time to process everything. I don't think every adoptee experiences pullback, but it can happen and it's good to know about the possibility and be prepared. It is perfectly normal to have strong emotions during reunion! I can't speak to the adoptee side of it, but I've heard other adoptees say that they felt angry, and didn't know where this anger was coming from, or else they felt extremely vulnerable and afraid of rejection and so pulled back in order to protect themselves from the possibility of being hurt. It is impossible to predict what kind of emotions you will or won't have, but often I hear people say they were "blindsided" by them. I know just getting my son's identifying info stirred up so many very strong emotions in me that I was honestly shocked. I never anticipated having such strong feelings come forth and it was very overwhelming at first, but once I let those feelings settle and processed things in counseling, it was so much better. I had a lot of anxiety get stirred up and was just a mess, though, for several weeks. Thankfully, I'm better now!!!

I see by all your different posts that you are very concerned about the upcoming reunion. It sounds like everyone - bfamily, afamily, etc are supportive of you, yet you still have worries about rejection?Don't many of us adoptees! It's probably unfounded, but that does NOT make it less real to you. A couple of suggestions;You may be the only adoptee in this whole group. As such, every one else does not quite understand your fears. Just remember not to project your anxieties onto them, or try to anticipate their motives or reasoning; just let your heart be your guide.Also, this will be emotionally intense. Plan time alone with your birthmom, your adoptive mom, etc. A big family gathering, with lots of new people, is overwhelming. Though they may have waited many years for this moment, you simply may not be able to handle it all at once. Plan private moments for yourself, and go for a walk with one person at a time so you can focus on THEM as a person, not as part of a blur. Everyone will be eager to get to know their new family member at once, but YOU are the focus of this, not them. You have many more years to develop the relationships which they take for granted among themselves.It's weird, coming into a family as an adult - sort of like marrying into an Italian family! But it sounds like both sides of your family are open, welcoming, loving people so I think it will go just fine!

justpeachy really summed up pullback eloquently! it's hard, very hard, to understand what pullback is in the beginning. you are thinking about this new family 24/7 and everything is being fueled by adrenaline. pullback sucks when you aren't the one deciding to pullback. the other person just falls off the face of the earth and you are left wondering what the hell just happened! like they have said...seriously go slow! you really have to process everything you are feeling.

Peachys advice is good as always. There is nothing wrong at all with pullback in the reunion process. What is not right is to pull back and not let the other party know that you need more time. As stated take it slow and above all be open and honest with yourself and the other side of the reunion. Best wishes with your upcoming reunion.

I am an adoptee who pulled back in my situation. I will tell you my reasons and also confirm that most of the comments about pullback on this thread are correct (in my experience). Yes, there is a major honeymoon phase at the beginning of a reunion. I thought my birth family was absolute perfection. However, after our first official meeting, I suddenly became less interesting. I was a new shiny toy that everyone was interested in and they paraded me in front of a lot of people the first day. It was super uncomfortable. I agree with all the message boards and the books when they say meeting people in small groups is much better for the adoptee. My new family told me how sad they were that we missed 40+ years of knowing each other, but that going forward I would be included and they wanted to make new memories with me. I felt accepted and important. Then I made the big mistake of trying to actually make plans with them. For whatever reason they started blowing me off, ignoring me, avoiding me, etc. I think they simply didn’t like the plans I was proposing but didn’t have the nerve to tell me, so they decided that they would ignore me and pretend like they didn’t. It was very hurtful. This happened with several family members. My problem was this... I had expectations of these people. The expectation was that they wanted to know me as much as I wanted to know them and that simply wasn’t the case. My advice is to get your expectations in check. The less you expect, the less you can be hurt. Every time I was avoided, it took a piece of my soul away. I finally accepted that I wasn’t valued by this family, so I walked away abruptly. I finally feel free from the misery I was in for almost 2 years. It was the misery of wondering if they truly wanted me in their lives. I got the answer pretty early on, but it took me a while to realize it and let them go. I needed them to love me but that love never came.I loved my adoptive parents and never thought finding my birth family would bring such strong emotions. However, once I found them I was so thrilled to know them... and it made me extremely vulnerable. I feel like I had an open wound the past two years and now that I’ve broken contact that wound is healing. I am relieved. No matter how much I wanted to fit in, I never would. My birth family isn’t evil, they are human. They simply have their bonds and their own family culture and I don’t fit in no matter how much I tried... no matter how much I wanted it to happen. They simply don’t care about me. I can’t fault them for that. This was difficult to accept and realize because they say nice things, they are full of personality, and they can have warmth when it serves them. However, when things get real, the lack of integrity comes to light. They make promises they don’t keep, they hide things because they think it will hurt me, they make plans without me when they said they’d include me (this stung most of all). Simply put, they had personality but no character. My advice when finding birth family is similar to others here... Take reunion slowwww Manage your expectations Don’t let anyone talk you into meeting a large group all at once. They will try. Stand your ground. When words and actions don’t match, believe the actions. This goes with anyone in your life, but it applies here as well. . For those wondering why someone may have pullback, my advice is to consider this... They are vulnerable They are afraid of rejection (so they reject you before you can reject them) They have fear They don’t feel valued They want control back and they feel like others have too much control over them

Great Advice, I wish I had taken it more slowly and not jumped in head first.