Birthmoms I need HELP!!!

Sm, I am sorry for this struggle. I am sorry if I am missing something, but why not a letter to birth mom (since you have her addy)? That is how my dh contacted his bmom and she responded (after a year) and asked to keep their communication to email? I just wonder why reaching out to yet another birth relative instead of making communication directly (by letter) with your bmom? Sorry to be nosy, it just seems maybe the most direct way to go...gl!!

YES!!!!!!!1 You are so correct! You are remembering correctly. I feel that is why the Support Group is recommending me showing up at my BM's doorstep. I have tried to get the number numerous times, but I get the same disconnected number or a different number that has been reassigned to another person. I have paid a good penny to keep getting the wrong number so it is very frustrating! I have not contacted a PI directly and asking for a number, although the contacts in my support group have failed, when they usually don't. so, there is that part where I feel she has hidden herself so well that she doesn't want contact. Do I bring another family member into the loop? I know for 100% sure that my aunt married to my birth uncle knows about me. She married him right out of high school, the same high school my entire birth family graduated from AND my adopted family, oh and MYSELF!!!!!! There is just no way I haven't run into them, just no way..... loveajax, yes, I have sent 3 letters and it will be a year...today or tomorrow, I need to look at my emails to my Baunt. Maybe waiting longer? I have not sent a letter since december, just because I've been very frustrated and put off.... S.

Sm, I am sorry I misunderstood. I can't tell you the best route, but I seriously am worried about a "doorstep" meeting for you. My dh is frustrated that his bmom wanted only email contact...it is hard (and she lives 10 minutes from us...she also has had a stroke which may be keeping things from a f2f). Anyway, I hate to say "be patient" since I have no idea how you feel. And in the meantime if other birth relatives are welcoming, I say go for it. My very best to you.

No worries, my first post was very vauge, because I was exhausted, crying, and was reaching for anything. I really needed to add more, thus the lenght of this thread. But hearing that your hubby heard from his bmom a year later gives me a little hope that she may write.I know its just a waiting game, but I don't like this game. I wish i could be in control.

The funny thing about reunion is even when we think we are in control, emotions slap us in the face from time to time and make us question ourselves and what we do want. I have always believed that D should be in control of our relationship... how much he wants me in his life. Even so, it hurt alot when it seemed everyone else, his and her parents and even friends were allowed to hold their youngest before I was. (He was premature and the doctor wanted him to have limited contact. It hurt especially because I had held his older brother in the NICU the previous year.) I understood the reasons but it was hard emotionally! (Even when I knew I was being silly.)Do you know for sure that your bmom has received and read the letters? I can't imagine not responding to a letter from my bson, but that's me. I know this is very painful for you and my heart aches for you.Do you think she would come to the door or if she did, would she slam it in your face? How would you deal with that?

Dear Sommer, I am going to throw something out here that is risky but I feel worth asking. I am remembering your birthaunt trying to control the situation. She has insinuated herself into it completely (if memory serves). There's only one reason a person would do that and it's got nothing to do with protecting other people. In my experience, people just aren't that honorable - especially to their own blood. Maybe only a birthmom would say something like that but then we've seen first-hand how far blood is capable of selling us down the river. No, it's about protecting themselves. I've stood on the sidelines watching my family rush to keep "outsiders" from learning about me. God forbid people should know!!! I mean, the fact that members of my family have been in jail, been in affairs, had children out of wedlock and a myriad of other so-called "sins" in the eyes of a society doesn't matter. I am a birthmom - the ultimate embarrassment. I don't say that for pity, I say it because (IMO) your birthaunt has an agenda. The only question is - what is it? This woman has really invested herself in this situation. From my perspective out here, I find her actions highly suspicious because nobody puts that kind of time into keeping another person in the dark unless they have a personal payout in doing so. That's only my opinion but that's how it looks from where I'm sitting. Given all of that however, I still wouldn't show up on your bmom's doorstep. I think I'd hire a PI to do that for me. But something seems wrong with all of this my friend. I can't put my finger on what, but something is wrong here.

After re-reading this thread, I'm getting the same impression. It seems the aunt is trying to control this whole thing. And I'm confused...have you sent ANY communication directly to your birthmother?? Can you send a letter directly to her??? I would do that (and send it in a way that you can confirm she received it) sooner than showing up on her doorstep.

I remember your story, and I have to tell you that the first time around, I thought your birth aunt sounded highly manipulative. I would be leery of dealing with her if she's as dysfunctional as I suspect. I have two stepsisters, who would most likely act in a similar vein if one of them had relinquished a child. They absolutely hate each other, plain and simple. And they often get their adult children caught up into their web of dysfunction. Neither woman seems capable of realizing the damage they're doing to their nephews and nieces when they "use" them to get back at each other. I'd like to force them into front-row seats of a Codependents Anonymous meeting, that's for sure. I don't have the answer for you...but I still don't feel at gut level that the idea of showing up unannounced on your birth mother's doorsteps will result in very positive experience. It just sounds kind of disrespectful to me to do that to anyone. Just my own two tired pennies on the issue... :arrow:

Kathy, Yes, I have sent three letters to her. The 1st one was the day after I contacted my BA (she went over to her house to tell her that I had called) That one I sent was FedEx. The second letter was sent certified and she signed for it. I actually kept her signature....Some silly memento of someone I don't even know. The third one I'm only guessing she got. The BA said she acted different and emailed me if I had contacted her....So I'm assuming she got something. I don't know if she would come to the door. I can hope. If she slams the door, she slams the door. I don't think anyone can prepare for that. Will I be devastated, ABSOLUTLY. But I have a feeling that the more people I add to this reunion, the more hurt she will be for me not contacting her directly, KWIM? It does seem that the BA is manipulative, but then again, what if she isn't. What if she really is trying to protect an individual that is so fragile? So hurt. So lost. When I have asked her about sending more letters, but having the feeling that I would push her away more, the more I contact her, she said she has the same fear. my BA said that she fears every time she brings me up that she is just going to stop communicating....I don't know, I so **** confused. Either you want me to communicate or not. Just let me know. I'll keep sending letters and pictures if I know she wants it, even if she doesn't respond, because I know at some point she will. But if she doesn't want contact, then SAY SOMETHING!!!! Do you think that not communicating means she does want contact? I'm just so lost at this point!

She may not know what she wants. Remember that we often perceive loved ones as more fragile than they are. Your baunt may well believe your Bmom can't handle it; that may or may not be true - people are usually stronger emotionally than we give them credit for. That's often true of ourselves as well - we avoid facing something because we dread what will happen, or because we don't think we could stand it if it didn't work out. Some people are so afraid of failure, they won't even try. Many birthmoms worry about what the children they placed will think about them. (Will they hate them, etc.) Sometimes I think bmoms can't face the adoptee because of that fear or because they haven't forgiven themselves for what happened and so believe the "child" couldn't forgive them. It is so complicated and I can only speculate about your bmom.

Kathy Wow!! I was going to copy everything you wrote in order to comment but I decided it doesn't need it. Your entire last post is brilliant!!! Sommer Hey there! I had posted something earlier in the week but I had it removed as I felt it sounded too cynical against your baunt. I feel bad about that. I have a tendency to get cynical under pressure and also to see people as having angles. Neither is a good thing so I had someone pull the post for me. Nobody needs to bear public witness to my insanity! LOL!!! My dear friends in here have gotten used to me though they all deserve better. Sigh........ Anyhoo...I am not sure how to advise you but just wanted to let you know that I'm with you in mind and spirit as you travel this difficult path. :love: Praying you can get an answer so that you can have some peace. Kathy's right though. Fear of the past can be overwhelming. :hissy: That's not an excuse...honest. It's just something I relate to. Sometimes, in this place. I feel so alone. Few people seem to have come from the dark corners I've wallowed in. The truth? Some days I think that my children would be better off if they never knew me. But then I read the posts of good souls like yourself and I realize that, no matter what, any truth is better than no truth at all. All God's grace forever shining on you, Sommer! :flower:

I'M BACK....................! I did it! I knocked on her door and met my BIRTHMOM!!!!! I was so terrified I shook uncontrollably. She was AMAZING! She welcomed me with open arms and gave me the biggest and tightest hug that I have ever had. She welcomed me in and I do have to say that for the first hour or so it was a little uncomfortable, but after that it was great. We talked about the most random things and never really dove head first into the adoption. I really didn’t want to push too much, since I think showing up was enough. I found out a few things that I didn’t know, but most of it I already knew from either talking to her sister, or the research that I had done on the internet. Anyways, the ball is really in her court now. She has to reciprocate in this relationship if she wants it to float. She has met me and realizes that I’m not some big bad wolf and that I don’t bite . I do have to say that when I was getting ready to leave she gave me another big hug and told me that it was for the lack of love….That melted my heart. Then before I got in my car she gave me another one, held me tight and said that she had waited for this for 32 years…..I’m so glad I showed up!

Wow. I can't wait to hear her perspective on the stuff with her sister. Also interested in if she said why she never responded to the letters, but then welcomed you so whole-heartedly?

Congrats on meeting her. Please know that she still may find it difficult to contact you, for fear of interfering in your life. It's silly, I know, but I still don't contact D easily. I will IM him -- somehow that doesn't feel as intrusive to me as a phone call. Since I'm picking up his daughter on Friday for vacation (she gets to spend a week with her beloved cousin AJ.), I guess I'd better call soon, huh!

I can say only this. Reunion is about the two of you. Including extended family often turns this kind of thing into a zoo, emotionally and worse, most of the extended family is usually poorly informed or "doing what is best" for your mother. Do you think that she is saying no? or do you think that the aunt is saying no? There is a huge difference. I think, for your own self-esteem and for the reunion possibilities themselves, remove the other family members as possible contact and either get a search angel or confidential intermediary to contact your mother directly. That way, this is you, her and a person that has no emotional stake in the reunion. I wish I had.