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Hi Ladies, thought i might post a new thread to introduce myself.
I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and my partner and I have decided that placing our child will be the best for both the child and ourselves. This was an unplanned pregnancy as i was on injection (depo provera) and we used protection.
We both feel we are not ready to parent a child, as we ourselves still have a lot of growing up to do, we are also financially unstable and will not be able to provide the child the essentials. We want to bless another couple with a child who cannot have one of their own.
When we found out i was pregnant i was around 7-8 weeks along and still had the opportunity to seek termination of the pregnancy. We decided that this act would have been selfish to the child and to couples around the world who have problems conceiving, so decided to look into adoption.
Next week we will be visiting Child, youth and family the orgnisation in New Zealand that handles all adoptions. From there we will meet with a social worker and they will help us in every step of the way. We will be seeking an open adoption as we still would like to be involved in the childs life in some way or another, even if it is minimal.
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Welcome.
I am an adoptive mom. I read the birthparent sites to remind myself of what our baby's birthmom might be feeling.
If I could give you a piece of unsolicited advice. Make sure the agency you are working with is here for you and is not just trying to make money off the placement of your baby. Make sure they remind you that it is okay if you choose to parent. Even after you've selected an adoptive family, it is still okay to change your mind.
In the US, most matches don't happen until close to birth. This gives the expectant parents time to feel the baby move and make sure they haven't changed their mind yet. An agency that pushes you to relinquish is not doing right by you or your baby.
This has been said a number of time on this forum, but it is the BEST advice I think any one of us could give to you - ADOPTION IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. You WILL build a relationship with this baby and as alturistic and you and your boyfriend think you are being, you could be doing yourselves and your baby a tremendous amount of harm. On the other hand, it could work out wonderfully for all of you. More than likely, there will be mixed feelings and mixed outcomes. As a birthmother, I would encourage you to do everything possible to make sure this is the right decision for you and your baby. I relinquished almost 30 years ago and even though I am in a good reunion with my son, I have never gotten over the hurt and loss associated with adoption. It is never easy.
I want to make sure you understand that I am not trying to tell you your decision is wrong or to listen to me and no one else. Just take the advice you have asked for and use it to make the best decision for you and your baby. Although many will tell you that only the baby matters now - that your feelings don't matter anymore, this is NOT true. You and your baby are connected and you both matter.
Let me know if I can help.
Deb
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Hi Nikerz20, from a fellow Kiwi,
I think you will find that the Dept of CYF will talk you through all your options and won't pressure you one way or the other. Presumably, you have read their webpage.
I'm an adoptee from the 60s and have been in email contact with a couple of ladies from CYF and they have been lovely and very understanding so hope you have the same experience.
WhirledPeas, I don't think NZ has private agencies anymore, it is all through the government. This is different from the past (in the 60s, adoption in Auckland was completely through private agencies).
Re open adoption: I believe most adoptions in NZ are open.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Let us know how your interview with Dept of CYF goes!
another fellow kiwi here. A birthmum from 1970s.I want to reiterate what geogdeb has said...this is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. I have hurt each day my baby was parted from me...why didnt anyone tell of the pain and suffering this can cause. "70percent of birthmothers suffer from some kindof mental illness" this is quoted from a book called History of adoption in NZ available in most libraries. you are doing the right thing by asking questions. There are heaps of books to read in our libraries as well. I have a friend who put her baby up for an open adoption in NZ, the baby was then taken out of the country even after adoptive parents SIGNED a document to say they wouldn,t. She has no legal come back and grieves to this day.
I know it is hard to think so far ahead, but my bdaughter is about to become a mum herself...and i am already grieving for a grandchild that i will never really have...the pain has never stopped. Feel free to pm me if you want. I have daughters a wee bit older than you now, and we are good friends, open and honest with each other as I would be with you. I have been in reunion with my daughter since she was 18, she is now 31...but its never the same. Also talk to adoptees, google abandonment issues...something many adoptees feel that can affect their whole lives. Understand that even adoptive parents marriages can fail and children can end up in one parent families for many reasons. Oh please be careful...keep reading doll. you and your baby are worth it.
Susie
and hi to caths 1964! I have been waiting for more kiwis to come on board...i have made some wonderful friends on this site from all sides of adoption...and am linked to facebook with some. Try chat sometime...we may catch up seeing as all my american friends are usually in snoreworld when I come on!!!
Susie
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