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I am not sure if this is more of a vent or What would you do? post but here goes. Bear with me as it is going to be a lengthy one.
As few of you all know I was in a closed aadoption with no desire to ever search until I was faced with medical issues and forced to. At any rate I was able to find out who my Bfamily was in less than 2 weeks. I found out that I was the bdaughter of my Momma's sister who had goe to her grave keeping this secret. I was raised with her being my aunt and her subsequent children(my1/2 siblings) my cousins. We all had a pretty good relationship growing up. When I did find out I consulted with a much older cousin on that side of the family who was able to get me the information needed since her a few of the maternal family members had the same health issues.
I waited a little over a year beofre even contacting any of these cousin/half siblngs and would have just as well not excpet that something came out at a family get to gether from the person I had confided in and the half sibling caught wind. Needless to say i was met with hostility and rejection which was kind of Ok by me since I was not seeking any type of relationship I only wanted medical information. One of the half sibs did reach out to me only because she was looking for someone to support her heroin addiction but that faux relationship was short lived. It didn't take long to see her motives being that I work as a nurse at an out patient methadone clinic.
The one male half sibling who I was closest to as a cousin was the one who was most hostile toward me and that relationship was totally lost as I hav not heard from or spoken to him in 5 years. I am talking completely gone, not even a Christmas card anymore and he has told people that I might just as well be dead as far as he is concerned.
I have family that lives in the same neighborhood as myself (abrother, other cousins ect) Last night abrother calls and says "Don't be suprised if M comes by and unexpectedly rings your doorbell". Apparently M, the estranged half sibling has been in town visiting other family ringing their doorbells without calling first.
Apparently he visited another cousin unexpectedly who he had a previous falling out with and she was shocked to see him. She immediately called my abrother to give us a heads up that M mention ringing my family's door bell on Thursday which is tomorrow and having all the cousins get together and go out for dinner.
This is something I do NOT want to do no way no how. I plan on taking off for the day and already took a vacya day off from work just to get out of dodge as early as I can.
I feel that after all that as transpired I refuse to be blindsided and forced to be nice to someone who has been so hostile toward me. It would be different has he attempted to contact me beforehand or made some type of reconcilation. I do not feel liek sitting with a bunch of people and playing nice like nothing happened. I was hurt by M. I was nOt looking for anothe brother I have a brother who is my abrother. I would have ben very happy just having the same cousin relationship but M would not even consider that. Insted he accused me of trying to "Claim" his mother and to be quite honest, if I had to chose mothers, I would have chosen Amomma hands down. So that is my situation. If you all read this far I thank you. Oh abrother thinks I should get out of dodge too.
What do you all think?
EZ
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Hmmm, personally, and this is just my opinion, I would stay and wait> maybe call a friend or somthing, or abrother to come over for support, and tell him when he comes knocking, how you feel, normally I would suggest an e-mail but I don't know that there is time for that. Perhaps a phone call to him would be better. I guess for me, if I was in that situation, and I never wanted a relationship with him, I would tell him so he does'nt come knocking again and again though out the years. If he does'nt know how you feel, he may try to persue. You've made your decision, and it sounds like a good one, but he should know where you stand, not for his benefit, you owe him nothing, but for your benefit. If you don't want to confront him, leave for now, but then let him know via e-mail, letter, phone.
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EZ, such a tough thing to call. I can understand how you feel and why, but what if he has had a change of heart and is trying to "rally" for acceptance of all in the family? You are family regardless. You grew up family and still are even if the "labels" of relationship have changed.
I agree with annierose to stay put. If his visit does come to fruition, I'd at least hear him out. If it shows no signs of reconciliation or how any of your feelings have been trampled, then, express how you feel. If a dinner invite does come, you can always decline, graciously and you will always be able to hold your head high. You have not "lowered" yourself to his tactics, but treated him with respect as every human deserves (let alone a relative) but not necessarily how he has treated you. In the end, you will have handled the situation much better.
This is just my opinion, I wish you luck!
I understand the possibility of a change of heart, however I have had the same phone number, email addy and contact information all along. He has changed all his so I have absolutely no way of contactiong him. He was the one who called the shots and ex'ed me out. I would think if he were planning to come to my home knowing that I live upstairs from In laws an other family members he would at least had attmpted to contact me befoe hand. Also, remember this man knows me, we grew up together as kids and young adults until he moved away about 10 years ago. He knows that I am the type that would welcome a phone call and can forgive him. I am not one to run away or hide from things, it is just that my 86yr old adad has no idea I searched and he also lives in the house. I fear that if M comes here my adad is going to find out and be devastated.
Believe me under any other condition I would love nothing more than to reconciliate with M. I just don't feel like this is the right time to do so.
Another thing is since my phone numbers have not changed and there is enough family around if he really wants to talk he can call me insted of coming to my house. Dh is a little miffed too at the idea that after saying such hurtful things to me and making such hostile accuasions that M could just decide he could come ringing my doorbell like nothing happened. Abrother who insidently is M's God father(even though they are only 7 years apart) doesn't even want to deal with him. I also want to add that M has done some very hurtful things to other family members too. this is why everyone is calling everyone else to give them a heads up that he is in town. I swear I have little drama in my life. Never had anything like this with afamily, in laws or friends.
Yet another reason why I thank God I was not raised with these biosiblings. I am really quite content having them as cousins. What a mess. I wll definately update everyone on Friday if I am away from any computer tomorrow which there is a very good chance I will be.
Again, please understand that I would love to be able to reknew our cousin relationship but blindsiding me with an ambush visit where I am limited to what I can talk about s not going to cut it and I will end up more mad at myself if I have to act like nothing ever happened and have to bite my tounge.
EZ
Well I am back home. I did go out with the intentions of staying out but then aroun 2ish I thought that I should not have to hide. I have the option of just not answering the door. Though he usually shows up in the morning so thereis a chance he won't even come.
Lovemy6,
I wish I knew the answer as to why it is my fault but the bios turned it all around and made it out to be like it was something I did. I even had one aunt who treated me horribly my entire life(also a and bmom's sister) tell people that I probably had PPD and was "imagining " all this while denying truth and fueling the bios hostility.
This is what happens when adoption is a "dirty little secret" for so long.
This one aunt"G" went out of her way my entire life to be cruel to me. I always thought as a child that I must be "bad" or did something wrong because of how this aunt treated me. An example would be to announce a "big" sleep over and pool party at her house and then deliberatly invite all the other cousins except me. This aunt had money and a big house with a pool and horses and after she held one of these parties she would have other let me know what I missed by saying "Tell P about how you got to ride the pony" or "how you learned how to dive in my pool". I used to cry and ask my aparents "Why aunt G didn't like me" Thankfully I had my wonderful aparents to console me. Even still there was little aparents could do because of the fear that went along wth keeping this secret so they just let it happen.
It wasn't until I found out who Bmom was and all this happened that I realised that Aunt G was pure evil and there was nothing wrong with me, it was all her attitude toward me. I have long given up on why anyone could blame me for being adoptee but in the long run I am still the one that lucked out with the absolute best parents ever.
I look back at what could have been had I not been adopted and I can tell you based on how the bios turned and even Aunt G's kids turned out I am so grateful. They are plagued with all kids of addictions and deviant life styles, it really brings to surface the nature/nurture question.
In my case I believe that I might just as well had turned out like the bios had I not been nurtured in the loving solid enviorment that my afamily provided.
I hold no anger towards anyone, not even my aparents for allowing this kind of treatment by my aunt to continue. They were between a rock and a hard place and they were do scared, I cannot even imagine how terrified. Emotional blackmail if you will. They loved me so much they had to choose which would hurt me more. At least aunt G's cruelty they could probably make up for. Also, aunt G is who she is, I am not responsible for her behavior and I do forgive her.
It was very liberating to be able to figure out why all these things took place and that it was never anything I did or didn't do to cause this treatment.
At any rate thank you all for your feed back. As I said, this is a lengthy post and probably more of a vent.
If anything it just reiterates the need for honesty when it comes to adoption.
EZ
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