Birthmother have questions ,please help

I'm an amom, and my kids are still young, but she might be expecting certain questions from you. Perhaps you might tell her that you're asking your questions slowly so you can take it all in. That you don't want to rush things, but instead you want to savour the answers.Good luck in your reunion.

Hard to say when you haven't told us what you've asked. My first phone call with son I asked did he have a good life, are you happy,asked about brothers and sisters (adopted), where was he raised, what did he do for a living, how tall, color hair, married, children all sorts of things. My 2nd phone call I asked about meeting him. I would be open with her and ask, what is it that you want me to ask - what have I missed asking? It's difficult for you to know the balance between being too forward and not asking enough. For me, I jumped in with both feet, my son had no doubt how much I wanted to know him, that I missed him and all that..... As her afamily is having problems with her finding you that may be the reason she's asking to go slow, but you said she did search for you so she is curious! Maybe she wants you to ask if she's healthy, happy? I just don't know. When my bsiblings found me one of them asked, what is it your looking for in finding us. When in doubt ASK! At least that's how I am/was. Congratulations on finding your daughter though. Hope you'll have a wonderful relationship.

Hi Donna I sort of understand that once the questions are exhausted, or explanations, there doesn't seem much in the way of conversation to bind you together. Maybe this is what your bdaughter is commenting on - Is she thinking what happens when the questions have all gone. Those empty moments become longer unless you can find words to fill them. I remember them well when I was first in reunion and finally made a conscious effort to fill them with stories of how I went on with my life after his birth, constantly assuring him there wasn't a day when I didn't think of my firstborn. The stories sort of gave him a better understanding of who I was back then and how I became who I am now. Told him how I met my husband - talked about how his birth impacted on my at the other two children's birth and my mothering. I think the stories helped to "paint the picture". Stalled conversations are hard on both parties so I hope you find a way to be more open and chatty. Maybe if you can relate personal stories you will both open up new lines of communication. All the Best Ann

She may want you ask "have you been happy?"..."do you have feelings about me but not sure whether to ask or not?"; "Are you angry w/me for giving you up""; "questions about your B-Father?"; "is there something you really really want to tell or say to me?" I'm am a Birth Mother recently united w/my daughter but I'm also a Adoptee so I can relate to both sides. However, I too am in "that unsure mode" of how she really thought of me after our initial and only reunion to date since 12/17/2011 (7 mths after she contacted me which we communicated by email constantly as she had so many questions, naturally). I got into a depression after the meeting of the multiple emotions from first contact, the shock of seeing pics she emailed to me, awaiting for the date set to meet..extremely nervous, excited and hopes she would not be disappointed. I would suggest just "assure her that although you can't think of any questions (outside of ones suggested above if not already asked) but your still processing it all but if there is anything she wants to know, please ask...It would be ok..that you'd love to be open w/her and help her thru all this new found part of her life...I believe you'll see a different reaction instead of just cutting it off with "no hun can't think of anything"...hope this helps....

I love you so much I wanted you to have more instead of less.

Wow..you seem to answered some questions I have re: post reunion w/my daughter back in Dec 2011 after 7 Mths of initial contact & emails...Your so so right..there is a form of silence and halt to communication..after meeting. You go back to your "normal" life, your family etc on both sides but although our reunion was a very sweet, nice, rather easy going which I attribute to our weekly or more in a wk emails, answering questions; providing answers on both sides but more of me & mine as well as her B-father & his side. She shared pics of her granddaddy, nephews but not her Adoptive parents or brothers to date. After the meeting...I went thru and still moments of doubt as to how she really feels of our reunion. She commented positive but she is also a very polite, sweet, Christian, caring woman (35 now) so not sure how much of that was trying to be positive and polite. I hope she's not disappointed w/me. She has backed off w/regular emails but I understand life goes on. She needs time to digest all of this & likewise for me. I've encountered some depression over how much I missed, 2nd guessing my putting her up for adoption. I'm trying to work on getting past that but how? I agree that I should and need to be grateful that after praying for 35 yrs, with a broken heart, crying, grieving for my loss espec on her Bday, Mother's Day, Christmas special moments in her life incl her marriage 4 yrs ago. So when I really get deep into the depression & ache..I take a deep breath and tell God I do appreciate His giving me this gift, my daughter reunion & answering my prayers but also forgive me when I get down...I think He understands... So thanks so much for your post..it confirms what I think and what I and my sister have discussed. She's been my sounding board...:)) So question...I'm trying how to continue our communication & working toward some form of relationship as she'd like without coming across as pushy...I feel like I'm walking on egg shells..so not to upset her or think I'm trying to put my self ahead of her adoptive mom...after all..she is my daughter's "mom"... I now found out after she emailed me a few wks ago she & her husband are expecting a baby, boy just 4 days before my Bday in Oct 2012. Wow...this really threw me for a loop. I wondered about children..but with her age, short length of marriage and some health issues..I wasn't sure if she was having problems getting pregnant or couldn't. However, I did not feel right about asking..not sure if appropriate although we shared so much threw those earlier emails before reunion. So here's my dilemma: technically this w/be my B-Grandson & my only grandchild. I feel wonderful that she did share that w/me but wondered why so much later cause obviously known few mths since now know sex... I would love to be part of her pregnancy; would love to give her something they need or want for the baby without coming across as pushy, going into territory she's not comfortable w/yet. Its one thing for her to share this news, it's another for me to be "actively involved". I told my sister..she knows how I feel for her...regardless how many yrs gone by...I've loved her from conception & always will. But I know I'm a stranger to her. So Therefore her telling me she had to have known it would bring other feelings into play..that of "Grandmother".. I know her parents must be thrilled and I don't want it to appear that I'm crossing any borders or trying to overstep her adoptive parents on this either. Do you or anyone have any suggestions how to reply to her besides congratulating them. I'd like to let her know I'm here for her; would love to be part of her pregnancy; am here if she'd like to share her pregnancy updates or if she has any questions about when I carried her.. This is one area with her that we have that connection that her Adoptive Mother does and cannot. She can in general as she had to biological boys but not specifically about my daughter like cravings, when she first moved, turned, a.m.-p.m. sickness etc...that I can share w/her. But again, I just feel so cautious to the point of extreme because I fear it'll be rec'd wrong if not done properly.. So can anyone help. I have a pic of me pregnant w/her that I've carried w/me all these yrs and thought I'd mention to her so she can see her and me..& believe it will speak volumes...it's one thing to know I'm her B-mother and all that but to actually see me pregnant w/her & espec now w/her pregnant..but not sure how to approach or if not and why? HELP!!!! I have to believe to a point she knew I'd feel all this when she told me. I believe also when grandchildren come into play, it brings this whole situation to a different level because now it's not just about her & her heritage, Genes etc..it will now be carried onto her child; my b-grandson & his children.. That child will not have that direct connection w/his adoptive grandparents although they w/be his grandparents and he will grow to love him...but it's not the same as my daughter's connection w/them..if that makes any sense... Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say? What should I do or say? I don't want to upset her but I really would like to be part of his life too. I don't expect to be her "Mom" or his "Grandma"..well actually as far as him..It's hard not to want to be that to him, this baby. He is coming into a wonderful family..on both their sides. My daughter had a wonderful life..her parents loved her & being the only girl..kinda spoiled her too..LOL:)) Naturally...so how do I approach my desire to be part of all this now & future w/out her becoming defensive and backing off..& without trying to come across as stepping over her parents..HELP>>

I reunited w/my daughter in Dec 2011 after 7 Mths of initial contact & emails incl pics..I was shocked to get her email..to see her beautiful face from childhood to adult..Since then there is a form of silence and halt to communication..after meeting. You go back to your "normal" life, your family etc on both sides but although our reunion was a very sweet, nice, rather easy going which I attribute to our weekly emails, answering questions; providing answers on both sides incl her B-father & his side; she's ceased asking any more questions. We did not have time alone together except a few minutes & that was little awkward for me but just for a moment. She shared pics of her granddaddy, nephews but not her Adoptive parents or brothers to date. She shared upon leaving that her parents want to meet me.would I be open to that..YES. I'd love to meet these wonderful people who answered my prayers; they loved my daughter, were good to her. After the meeting...I went thru depression and still moments of doubt as to how she really feels of our reunion. She commented positive but she is also a very polite, sweet, Christian, caring woman (35 now) so not sure how much of that was trying to be positive and polite. I hope she's not disappointed w/me. She has backed off w/regular emails but I understand life goes on. She needs time to digest all of this & likewise for me. I've been very sad over how much I missed, 2nd guessing my putting her up for adoption however I know in my "mind" I did the right thing for her at that time. I'm trying to work on getting past that but how? I am grateful that with a broken heart, after praying for 35 yrs, grieving my loss espec on her Bday, Mother's Day, Christmas special moments iner life incl her marriage 4 yrs ago; my prayer was answered to see & meet her at least one time before I die. I know I'm not her "Mom"; she is an adult..a woman now as she so kindly reminded me when she emailed me after I sent her pics of her B-father she requested after I suggested if she wanted, I can bring to her & be there as support as it is an emotional moment & if any questions. She carefully said she appreciates my Motherly Instincts but she is grown now and can handle many things...which naturally I rec'd that as reminder she is not a child any longer but I feel she was letting me know to I'm not her "Mom. She said "maybe with time we can become friends"..that threw me for a loop too because after all the emails til we met..I thought we were already without thinking moving in that direction. So naturally..I've become very confused as to how to move forward w/communicating w/her..I feel like I'm walking on egg shells now..because I have to be so so so careful what I say or do; or don't so not to put her on the defensive; not push her away and/or receive my "natural maternal instincts & feelings" as trying to overstep her "parents".. However in the very 1st paragraph, she shared w/me some exciting new that she & her husband are expecting a baby, boy just 4 days before my Bday in Oct 2012. Wow...I can't express how I feel..elation for them & excitement that I will actually have a B-Grandchild.. I wondered about children..but with her age, short length of marriage and some health issues..I wasn't sure if she was having problems getting pregnant or couldn't. However, I did not feel right about asking..not sure if appropriate although we shared so much threw those earlier emails before reunion. But in the same moment it turned into sadness & another feeling of loss. as I probably will not be part of his life as his Grandmother. So here's my dilemma: technically this w/be my B-Grandson & my only grandchild. I feel wonderful that she did share that w/me but wondered why so much later cause obviously known few mths since now know sex... I would love to be part of her pregnancy; to give her something they need or want for the baby without coming across as pushy or overstepping. Clearly we are not friends yet to her but she doesn't fully understand how I feel that to me, she's always going to be my Baby and my daughter. I feel llike since knowing how I do feel for her as I've made it very clear that this kind of news that is so special, naturally I'd want to be part of this, however I may be. Again, I know he will have his "Grandparents " w/her adoptive parents..but she had to have known it would bring "Grandmother" feelings into play. I know her parents must be thrilled and I don't want it to appear that I'm crossing any borders or trying to overstep her adoptive parents on this either. Do you or anyone have any suggestions how to reply to her besides congratulating them. I've not replied to her last email in early June 2012 because I'm in such mixed confused feelings and thoughts how to approach all of this.. I know if it was me and knowing how my birth mother feels about me, if I did not expect her to want to be part of my son's life as technically she is the B-mother and that grandson will carry on his Biological Heritage and Genes from both B-grandparents, then I would not share my pregnancy. So am I thinking this wrong? I'd like to let her know I'm here for her; would love to be part of her pregnancy; am here if she'd like to share her pregnancy updates or if she has any questions about when I carried her.. This is one area with her that we have that connection that her Adoptive Mother does and cannot. She can in general as she had two biological boys but not specifically about my daughter like cravings, when she first moved, turned, a.m.-p.m. sickness etc...that I can share w/her. But again, I just feel so cautious to the point of extreme because I fear it'll be rec'd wrong if not done properly.. So can anyone help? Need experienced suggestions, anything for me to think over. I'm lost.! I have a pic of me pregnant w/her that I've carried w/me all these yrs and thought I'd mention to her so she can see her and me..& believe it will speak volumes...it's one thing to know I'm her B-mother and all that but to actually see me pregnant w/her & espec now w/her pregnant..but not sure how to approach or if not and why? HELP!!!! I feel B-grandchildren puts a whole different element, level into all this because now it's not just about her & her heritage, Genes etc..it will now be carried onto her child; my b-grandson & his children.. That child will not have that direct connection w/his adoptive grandparents & family although they w/be his grandparents-family and he will grow to love them if that makes any sense... Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say? What should I do or say? I don't want to upset her but I really would like to be part of his life too. I don't expect to be her "Mom" or his "Grandma"..well actually as far as him..It's hard not to want to be that to him, this baby. He is coming into a wonderful Adoptive family..on both their sides. My daughter had a wonderful life..her parents loved her & being the only girl..kinda spoiled her too..LOL) Naturally...so how do I approach my desire to be part of all this now & future w/out her becoming defensive and backing off..& without trying to come across as stepping over her parents..HELP.. I've always wanted a grandchild but am very hesitant and anxious over this because I feel it will be extra sensitive to her parents about me because I'm sure once they know she's told me this news..they will understand that w/my receiving & acknowledging her w/open arms literally, that I love her as my daughter and they happy for her that our reunion went so well; I will also want to be part of this child's life..however it may be but will want this..it's natural..children carry on our heritage regardless the birth history. So this child will carry on both mine & her B-father's history & so on. Oh I'm so torn..I know she probably thinks I'm upset w/her because she did say she did not want to hurt me when she told me of her being grown..I know she's correct but it's something I have to really work on and remind myself when my "motherly instinct" kicks in..and I not only want her to understand that but maybe now w/her being pregnant and especially once she actually holds her baby boy for the first time and as time goes by..she'll be able to feel the love I had then and have always had for her and no matter what, I always will. How can I explain that to her w/out being taken wrong? or should I at all right now? HELP!! Oh this is hard.. I feel since we met to a degree I've lost her again..kinda grieved some in my quiet way..I tend to withdraw and pull back when I'm hurt, depressed & not sure how to proceed or approach something.. HELP!!

cmottcrook,I can't imagine how it feels to be on the outside looking into your daughter's life. I know you very much want to be a part of it, but you have to let her take the lead.She stated to you that "maybe, with time, we could become friends." Clearly, she is not anywhere near ready to bring you into her circle. Since you wrote your post at the beginning of July, I'm sure you've already contacted her by now to congratulate her. If it were me, I would just ask her to please keep me updated in a way that felt comfortable for her. I hope everything goes well for you.