What did adopting do to your marriage?

Well husband puts himself first and not me or DS. He is an only child and adopted himself but i really don't think that he has come to the realization that things are not all about him anymore. He gets really angry all the time and has said very hurtful things to me. I would say I am mentally abused at times. He has told me he hated me, that he never should have married me, and that I should take lessons from his mother about being a stay at home, mom which I am not anymore. I went back to work because it was always being thrown up to me about being home w/ DS. I find it hard to put my marriage first when I get talked to the way I do. I look forward to going to work now.

Our homestudy process was tough and opened up our marriage in some areas we hadn't explored. I do most of the parenting work with the teen but my husband really steps up with our daughter and we parent together. Yes, it has changed things but it is more that i see him in a different light. I also would recommend counseling for you and your husband. No relationship should endure the verbal garbage that you have. That may be harsh, but I can't imagine hearing that all the time. I have a friend who does and her marriage will end soon. SHe has waited for the kids to grow up and now sees they have heard nothing but negativity their whole life. Not that you should divorce, but work on the issues.

Bringing a child into a marriage will always change the picture of the relationship. Well, not really change but bring forth hidden issues that were not seen when the stress of childrearing is not preasent. The issues of your marriage were there but did not rear until the child was brought into the picture. It happens alot.....and has nothing to do with adoption, not your childs anyway...maybe your husbands adoption is the problem, issues that he has not been willing or able to explore and seeing the adoption of his child has somehow brought his issues to the surface. He may not understand it and is lashing out out those closest to him? Even if that is not the issue...counseling is in order...you do not need to be verbally abused.

I would also highly recommend counseling....Marriage is difficult enough....then add a stressful adoption process and adding a child.... it just makes it that much more difficult....I'm sorry that your husband seems to have resentment towards you... sounds like he has some things he needs to work through.... counseling would be an opportunity to help you both.....We added 4 kids in 4 years.... so I know all about the stresses that all this can take on a marriage.... sometimes you just need to step back and see what is truly going on.... I've been guilty of putting the kids ahead of my dh... and even ahead of myself.... but truly, what is best for the kids is that I put myself and my dh first... and then look at everything else....Hope you are able to resolve these problems....jmo

stress of anythihng can cause marriage problems, whether it be the process of adoption, the process of pregnacy, the process of childrearing......any stressors can effect any marriage....I really strongly beleive that any stress can bring out hidden issues.... I guess I am reacting to the fact that many are blaming "adoption" here and as much as it is a tough process there are many things that are stressful anddo effect marriages all the time... I do beleive that in this case if it were not this stress it would have been something else.. Life is full of stress....for those that adopt and those that don't....

Nancy, I'm sorry that your dealing with this. I know that we have had many ups and downs throughout our marriage and children def. add a new dimension of stress. Have you tried counseling? For us our pre-marital classes gave us invaluable tools for dealing with these challenges. I still look back at the book every now and then to be reminded. In addition to that we have seen a couple of therapists throughout our marriage. I wouldn't say the therapists themselves "fixed" our marriage or waved their little magic wand but even the ones we didn't like did help. They were able to give us tools that we can use to make our marriage stronger. Best Wishes, Jill

I am so sorry you are going through this!! Many of my friends' marriages were destroyed by infertility, but my DH and I actually grew closer then. I can say having a little one can add stress to a marriage!! We have somewhat different parenting styles, etc. But mostly I see what a great Dad he is and just love him even more. My DH is an adult adoptee and I do think the adoption process was very emotional for him...and raised a lot of issues that I don't think he ever thought a lot about. But he has looked to me for support/love, and none of this has "backlashed" onto me. You do not deserve to be berated or verbally abused...that is not healthy for you or your child. I strongly recommend that you and your DH get into counseling...it really can't hurt and hopefully will really, really help. If he refuses, I would suggest getting counseling on your own, because it sounds like you need to figure out where you and your son go from here. I wish you the absolute best of luck!! Again, I am sorry for your stress.

I agree with loveajax. Get to a counselor, by yourself, ASAP. You want to end the verbal abuse right now, and your son doesn't need exposure to it either. I watched my parents fight for years and its something no child should have to listen to. Your priority right now is you and your son, especially since your husband is making no sense as to what he wants. Good luck. Rachael

For us it brings us together but it does not mean it does not wreck havoc at times from all the stress. I do know when we had children come in to our family that had higher needs like attachment and behavioral dissorders it was very hard on our marriage and family. When I read the few brief words you wrote I wonder if it is not the adoption process but becoming a parent that has been the most stressful in your situation. Sometimes it is hard to adjust to taking care of a child and the changes it brings. I am sorry to hear about the verbal abuse and I do understand you feeling a need to "escape" to work. I do hope things will all work out for the good. Hugs, Anna

There are so many stressors out there, especially in these tough economic times. I'm sure there are thousands of marriages (and families - let's not forget the children!) dealing with home foreclosure, job losses, mounting credit card debt, new babies / children bio or adopted and sleepless nights, fertility, infertility, merged families - what I'm saying is I think that there will always be challenging times in a marriage/ relationship but if that relationship is not strong there are so many 'straws' that can break the camel's back. Like any kind of relationship both parties have to make sure they take care of themselves, each other etc. if the foundation is not there it is too easy for the house to collapse. My thoughts on your situation, please get some counseling. Swearing at your partner is not effective (and can be even more upsetting to any children who might overhear or witness). Also, I think it is so very important (crucial?) that you and your husband have a date night on a regular basis. My sister and BIL have one every week -- busy or not, they go out for dinner and maybe a movie. Parents need to be in a happy place so their children can be in a good place. Good luck

thank you all for the kind words and advice. i will for sure look into some counseling at least for myself. I do not think he will go but I will make the suggestion to him. Thanks again

You had asked whether adoption made your marriage better or worse or the same. In our case, we had a great deal of stress over adoption itself. My dh felt that I pushed him into it. He had a lot of anger over that. We went through a very stressful period in our marriage, and we had been married over 15 years at the time--I can say it was one of the roughest patches we'd ever been through. Finally, he saw a counselor, then we went to another counselor, and things got better, and today things are very good.I hope that with the counselor's help, you (or you and your husband, if he decides to go) will be able to build a great relationship.Carolyn

I have also found that the adoption has put stress on our marriage. Our child is high energy and even though we try to put her to bed earlier, many nights she won't fall asleep until after 11pm, which is hard for us to find free time. We started counseling in the spring and I have found that it has really helped us a lot. The therapist stresses that we must find time for the two of us. That's the main thing. I wish you best of luck. It's hard because you love your spouse but the child becomes the center of your life and you have to reclaim that bond you share as a couple. Amy K, NJ

I have to say that I am not sure it is all adoption related. A baby in any marraige, at least a first baby changes things. Priorities change, the attention you once gave your spouse changes. Everything takes a different order. Truth is some couples get along better without children because then they can each be the center of each other's universe. I know people like this, I am not suggesting this is the case in your situation. I will say that if your husband isverbally abusing you, then it has nothing to do with having a baby or not. This is how his behavior is and eventually even if you had remained with no child this type of behavior would surface. The fact that you have a baby now, just brought this behavior out quicker. I have to agree that counseling is in order, even if your husband refuses to go, you have to go for you and the sake of your son. By allowing this type of treatment to continue is setting an example and showing your son that this is acceptable behavior. Your husband has issues that may or may not be adoption related, but all you can do is help yourself. Even if you go to counseling just to find out why you are tolerating this type of treatment, you will be gaining some control of the situation. Some couples think that a baby will bring them closer together which is the furthest thing from the truth. I say, Relationships make babies, babies do not make relationships. EZ

Like thast EZ...such a simple statement but so very true! No matter how you got that baby....