Im 37 and its only now that the whole adoptee thing is tormenting me.
I made contact 12 years ago when i thought it was a good idea. My bMother turned out to be a whole bFamily. I was a sectret teenage pregnancy.
They are all really lovely people. But within weeks of making contact i was stressed to the point of cracking up. (i didnt tell my family and the dread of the bubble being burst was all consuming)
I did tell a couple of close friends who just stared at me blankly. Useless! (I dont think people see me as somebody who has issues)
I moved, new number, address and now beyond reach.
The guilty feelings for that were crushing and i developed a pot habit.
10 years later i grew too old to be stoned all the time. 6 months later i made contact again, but its really sporadic. as i keep my distance.
My mother (aMother) is a fruitcake; insecure, nervous, cynical about the world and everyone in it. She never likes anybody except for an unhealthy reverence for old style posh people. My Father never wanted to be there since i was about 6 or 7. But THEY are my family and i love with all my heart....
My aFamily turn out to be really down to earth and i see myself so clearly in them.
I initially researched this when i recognised i had abandonment issues (i avoid close relationships like the plague).
I dont know what to do, I am a tormented soul. I cant roll the clock back, i will never tell my aFamily. This has ruined my adult life.
Does anybody else wish they had never open the box?
1 Liked
 likes this.
acechewyless...Its easy to understand how you felt in terms of where you are in your search now.
There were 2 questions that came to mind...are you glad you searched and found, even tho your re-union has not been everything you hoped...or do you wish you had not searched..or never found and still had many unanswered questions?
Given a choice and knowing what you know now, which would you choose?
At least, you have answers to some questions. Some of us will never know anything except a few details regarding our beginnings.
I wish you the best.
I can say that I sort of regret searching because it didn't turn out the way that I expected, but I don't regret having a bit of closure to those questions in my life. I always wondered if she thought of me, if she wanted to know me, if I mattered to her. I learned the painful way that I am not something to her and will eventually learn to live without knowing where the blood that runs through my veins came from.
As soon as she contacted me with her soul-destroying words, I had to call my amom and asister to tell them how much I love them and that I am sorry for anything that I put them through growing up (I was not the nicest teenager). Their response was that they were thankful that I was able to be part of their family and that they love me too. I will hug them and my abrothers tighter from now on and say a prayer to my adad in heaven so that they know how much I appreciate them.
Funny - regretting searching has made me realize that my love for my family is much deeper than I realized.
1 Liked
 likes this.
I think that everyone has a burning desire, and also some expectations when you set out to find your bparents. Sometimes they are bad or good, depending on the person. I don't think any of us are ever right on when we find our bparents. I wasn't. I was very happy when I found mine, though. Then again, I was very young, and had not had much time to form many expectations yet, so I don't think I was too disappointed, or overwhelmed. I was lucky enough to go see her for a visit in May, and have my bmom for a week in July, and she will be back in October for another week, or maybe two, and I can't wait to see her again. Every time I see her, we get to know each other better, and we find we have more in common with each other, even though we haven't been around each other all that much. It's great. What makes it even better, is the fact that when she's gone I can call my amom, and tell her all about the visit, and it's all good. Fortunately I have always been able to tell my amom anything, she is very understanding and I don't keep any secrets from her, and as far as I know, she hasn't kept any secrets from me. Oh yeah, I have two bbrothers that are pretty cool too. One of them I have spent a little time with, and the other I plan to meet this coming year. I just can't help but feel blessed.
I knew at a young age that I needed to search for my bmother. I felt it deep within my soul that it was something I had and wanted to do. I do not regret finding her as I got a lot of questions answered in addition to maintaining a relationship with her and her family.
I do regret finding my bfather. He never gave us a chance and turned out to be a jerk. I had always tried to prepare myself for rejection, but its easier said than done. A few years later I found his/my half siblings to at least let them know I exsisted. It started off great then communication ended without any warning or reason. This was a double slap in the face to me.
So, given a choice to search or not...well, only the person searching knows the answer to that. Perhaps one who takes those first few steps is drawn to the need to know or at least try to know.
As the old saying goes, "be careful for what you wish for."
Best to you Drywall!
I regret searching. I wish I kept my curiosity under control. And the weird thing is, my birthmother's great. She's normal, polite, not pushy. She was excited to talk to me. I thought I was a secure person just doing a healthy search. But I couldn't handle the stress of what I found out and screwed it up by saying things I should've kept to myself.
a.) 3 years ago at least I was a blank slate. At least bmom didn't think bad of me. Now she thinks I'm horrible.
b.) The "hey, I found my birthmom" conversation with my amom (whom I love) led to our 1st ever discussion about adoption! - She is dissapointed not to have a "real" child of her own. - She didn't really want to keep me but was talked into it. - She was very dissapointed bmom didn't send her a "thank you" note for taking me in.
SO... once a long time ago I stood alittle taller than I do today.
1 Liked
 likes this.
See the why people make adoption out to be so 'great'.
I mean, sure your adoptive parents are giving you a better life, then maybe what you could have had. In reality though, it cuts deeper. Im adopted, my whole family is adopted. I get treated great, and my life is good. However, I see the way others treat their parents, with love and respect. I dont have that sort of relationship with my parents. Although I love them very very much, I still cant shake the fact that their are two other human beings out that, just living. Unknown to me, are two people who made me, who gave me life. I want to meet them, however, I dont want to be disapointed. I guess thats what you have to do in life, take chances, and hope for the best. I dont want to establish a relationship with them, I just want to know medical history and other things such. Is that a bad idea?
Thats rediculous. Biological or not, shes still your mom. I dont understand how people can be so cruel. Learn from them, take your expiernces and NEVER flush those feelings on to anyone of your children.
"a.) 3 years ago at least I was a blank slate."
You were never a blank slate. That's b.s. from the Georgia Tann Era. Maybe do some reading on adoptee healing, get into a good therapy circle... but you were never blank slate...
And if you never disappointed anyone before, then I would think that you never took any chances. People fall all the time. The worrisome part is if they don't get back up. You were not perfect even before you found your birthmother. And if you amom thought you were perfect then, and somehow now you are only for the first-time being flawed, that sounds very passive-aggressive to me.
You were flawed then, you're flawed now, you'll still be flawed in the future -- welcome to the human race.
"You were flawed then, you're flawed now, you'll still be flawed in the future -- welcome to the human race.
Wow. I was answering a question and didn't expect a response, especially one so unkind. I've always been well aware that I am flawed. The point of my post was that I regret saying things that gave birthmom (-) view of me.
"You were flawed then, you're flawed now, you'll still be flawed in the future -- welcome to the human race.
Wow. I was answering a question and didn't expect a response, especially one so unkind. I've always been well aware that I am flawed. The point of my post was that I regret saying things that gave birthmom (-) view of me.
((jkl))) I'm sure Elaine didn't mean that as negative and all about you
None of us have ever been perfect or ever will be.
I've said and done negative things about myself like that too. And not just with my bfamily, but all different people, even myself, too humble sometimes maybe, lots of reasons. I think the important part is - Do you know why you did?
I read a book that talked about it. The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. The first agreement with yourself is "Be impeccable with your word." Easy to say, hard to do. And he talked about "using the word against yourself", and lots of reasons why we do it, and that we are our own worse judge and punisher. It just made sense to me, now I try hard not to use my words against myself.
"Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."
"The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life"
Anyway, I know what ya mean. Just trying to help, and wondering if you have any room or energy left to try and repair the damage done?
Another agreement is: "Don't take anything personally.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."
ok, I like this one too: "Don't make assumptions."
"Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement you can completely transform your life."
Ok I hope you liked my book report ;) and if you want to know the 4th agreement you'll have to read the book :)
But honestly, I kept it in my back pocket for a long time, it's theories helped me so much when attempting to talk to all my new found family, and everyone for that matter.
I didn't mean to be unkind - I think that I inherited that from my bmom -- oh, I'm joking.
BethVA62 is totally accurate. I was attempting to say that we're all human, have flaws and if you someone thinks that there's something flawed now that jkl met her bmom... that doesn't sound kosher, accurate, right, okay -- whatever the word there is supposed to be. It sounds like jkl's amom may have been being a little mean when she told her that she was talked into getting her.
And I still don't believe that we were ever a blank slate -- not even at birth. For jkl to be a blank slate as an adult -- that doesn't sound right.
I don't think you should ever feel guilty about wanting to meet your birth parents to be honest...and sounds like you liked them and are distancing yourself and making yourself crazy over someone...meaning your adoptive mother who has too many issues of her own and you shouldnt. If you have the chance to get close to your birth family and be happy you should and have NO reason for guilty feelings. good luck and God Bless
I see this is quite an old thread. But for me searching was the greatest regret I’ve ever had for to many reasons to count. If there was one thing in life I could take back when the magic wand shows up, that would be it! I often warn other adoptees who are searching to not even bother looking for something that isn’t there. Appreciate the love and support your adoptive parents gave to you instead. They are the real parents in your life.
I may be out of line responding to this as a birth mother, but I have no regrets and have experienced a positive reunion w/ my son and his family. I believe it may be due in large part to adjusting my expectations of the relationship to meet him where he's at, in turn he has been more open and receptive. I'm sorry this has not been your experience.
Sure your experience was much better. All you had to do was have a child in the hospital, walk away and move on with your life. The adoptee is stuck with the all the problems and emotional trauma later on in life when facing an everyday identity crisis. Like I said, don’t bother looking for something that’s not there. Those people left you in a trash can after their mistake of creating a life and abandoning it. Win win situation for them, And that’s a fact. Love your adopted parents and don’t look back!
Last update on August 16, 10:35 am by jsg36007.