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After years of trying to work on communication with my DD's mom, we are FINALLY starting to communicate more often! Since the summer started we've had some sort of brief contact (Facebook, chat, message etc) every couple of weeks to a month. This is huge, considering most of my past e-mails have been every couple of months, and were usually unanswered (I've gone four to six months without contact in the past) I'm hoping that this trend continues, because I do really enjoy DD's mom, and we seem to have a good relationship. I had asked her whether DD was aware that we are communicating via Facebook since she is also a friend on her page and would have the ability to see things I would post on her mom's page if I chose to comment on something. She answered that she didn't tell her, but DD would likely figure it out on her own. She didn't seem that concerned, which was fine, I know she's not going to tell her everytime we have contact. However, I am pregnant with my first child since I had DD, and her mom does tend to ask a lot about that. I quickly made my Facebook page more private (before, it was accessible to "friends of friends" so that DD could see it, I now changed it to "friends only") because I didn't want DD learning of my pregnancy that way. From what I know from the past and can gather, DD has a curiousity, but has never been very receptive to discussing me or her birthfather with her mother, even when asked. Her mom's policy is not to push it, and given that she's a teenager, I get her wanting to not be big on emotional conversations with Mom. I keep wondering if her mom is going to tell DD that she has a birth sibling on the way. I totally respect her decision if she doesn't, but somehow it's been nagging at me, since I don't think she has or is planning to. To me it seems like a big thing not to mention. I thought about asking whether she plans on telling her, but I don't want her to think I'm pushing the issue. I also don't want her to find out because she was snooping online or happened to see a profile picture or a comment. If you were her mom, would you tell? As an adoptee, would you want to know? Or let her find out on her own and deal with it if she asks?
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I've thought of the same question over the years. My kids have four 1/2 siblings out there that they knew of when they lived with their bp, but haven't made the connection of who they are to them. I often wonder if I should tell them or just wait until they ask or make the connection.
How old is your bd?
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browneyes0707
My DD is 17. She'll be almost 18 when the baby is born. (not quite sure if anything will change at 18, that's a whole other thread ;) ) So she's pretty much an adult.
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Yes, what Kathy said. I would bring it up in terms of being concerned that she may stumble upon the info and be upset that she wasn't told. Ask her mom if she has told her or if not, has thought about telling her. I think she should know and be told personally, rather than finding out the info on Facebook.
I wait to tell my dd about her birth siblings until she's in a stable place and will be able to handle it. But she's 8. But I always tell within weeks of finding out. I'm just careful when I tell her. And I always celebrate the news. She's struggled as a parent with all the other kids, so each pregnancy has been "I hope she can do it this time". And we pray for her strength. She's abandoned 3 of her 7 kids and placed 1 (my dd) for adoption. When the kids reach age 3-4 she seems to be unable to parent any longer for whatever reason. She is raising 2 right now and pg with a 3rd. The oldest is 3 right now, so I'm concerned what will happen.However, my dd does feel a bit of jealousy "why did she keep them and not me" but only if it's an emotional time for her already. So I'm very careful about how I phrase things, and when I tell her.At 18 she should be more than able to handle it. I would give the mom a chance to tell her, then post stuff on facebook anyway. She needs to know.
Unfortunately I don't think it would go over well if I asked her mom if she's told her, or when she plans on telling her. I feel like she would take it as if I'm trying to tell her how to talk to her daughter, and I get the feeling she's not eager to bring me up, she seems to want to wait for DD to approach the subject with her. If she does find out by accident on Facebook for some reason, I feel like it's not really fair, but not my decision. It really wouldn't be the first time DD "found" things out about me by accident, and she doesn't seem to be mad about it, in fact, she doesn't mention it at all. So she may take it just fine. IMO, I would think that something of this nature would be something she would share with her, not because it involves me, but because she might be interested to know if she has any bio siblings, which is something she might be more interested in keeping informed about. But I'm not exactly an objective party ;)
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I think that AM should tell her and I'm not sure I can conceive (no pun intended!) of why she hasn't already! I mean, this isn't going to go away! :)I know that it's not your decision to make, and I understand that you're stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one....Anyone sticking heads in the sand just isn't going to work forever (I know YOU'RE not doing this, don't get me wrong :)) These conversations might not always be easy, or welcome, but sometimes the most uncomfortable conversations are the most necessary to have. Remember the ol' sex talk with Mom anyone??I don't - because we never had one! But it probably couldn't have hurt!
Based on what you've shared in the past, I can see where AM would justify not saying anything based on her belief that DD doesn't want contact and doesn't want to talk about it. She may feel she is honoring what she believes to be DD's wishes by not bringing up anything about you or initiating any conversation about you, ever, because the one time she asked DD supposedly said she didn't want to talk about it.
I'm not saying it's the right way to handle it or that her assumptions are correct, I'm just saying that I can conceive of how she is making that decision.
I know that I struggled when J was younger and adamant about not wanting anything to do with M, about whether or how often it was okay to broach the subject with him, and what it was okay to talk about.
I'm not saying I agree with her, but I can see where she might be "saving" the information for when she gets an explicit show of interest from DD that she feels gives her a green light to talk about it.
I think you've hung in there and handled these last few years with a lot of grace, and I really believe that you and M are someday going to have a really positive connection. I believe it will pay off for you, I really do. And I'm SO happy for you about this baby, and for the more often and more positive interaction with AM.
Keep hanging in there and taking care of yourself! Love ya.:love:
Thanks H :)
I'm not that surprised that she didn't tell DD, and to be honest it's possible that she did tell her but nothing came of it. I also see her logic in not saying anything I know that you went through similar experiences with J at this age. I was curious to see how many would tell simply for knowledges sake. I'm comfortable with whatever she decides is appropriate. However I am a little uncomfortable with the fact that DD has a certain amount of public access to our exchanges now depending on how we communicate where as before it's was all email and she had to go out of her way. I'd think twice about putting up a default pic of me looking very pregnant knowing there was a chance that DD could be on her moms page and see that and have her caught off guard. Not my problem, it's between her and her mom but I'd still wonder how shed feel KWIM?
Hi Brown, It is be so strange for me to think that amom knows DD has access to your page and be sort of that "open" and then not tell her about your exchanges or the important (and fabulous!) news. I don't get it....I wonder if you could ask amom if you think it would be a good idea to send a note to DD now, especially because you'd like to tell her your news? (Do you feel comfortable with that?). Could you even maybe ask amom if you could ask DD to "friend" you on FB (I have no idea what this means...I am FB illiterate!). In any event, it's great that things with amom are better....i totally agree that you have been the model of grace and patience and I know it will pay off in spades when you and DD "reunite." Karen (a great name to consider for a baby girl...hahaha! I haven't heard of anyone naming their baby Karen since 1970!).
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Have you included in your journal an entry where you speak of your wish to tell her and how you don't want her finding out by chance? It might be a great way for her to get insight at a later date, since at the moment you're not really able to control the situation about whether or how she finds out. Just a thought. It must be frustrating not to know what's okay to do and not to really be able to ask the hard questions. I'm sorry this is complicating this for you! I'd love for this to be all joy for you!
I think you should leave it to her amom...I mean she knows her personality inside and out. It isnt the same but I havent told my 4 year old about his bio brother. I will, but when I know he is ready to understand it. Right now it would be highly confusing. If she hasnt, it could just be that she knows her daughter is having a issues in her daily life that might make it harder to discuss this and might want to wait a bit. Or maybe she has but daughter took it fine so it isnt really an issue. Who knos. it sounds like with how open things are, she is likely to tell DD.But I think it would be fine to just ask amom. You don't want to put it out there and surprise DD. It would only be telling her what to do...if you told her what to do :)