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I'm trying to wrap my mind around everything that has happened. My main question is this dh & I waffle back & forth between what to do IF faced w/ the bmom calling back saying she Changed her mind.... only because of all that has taken place. ( esp since their is a chance she may )
I want / need to share more details of disrupted adoption.
What a whirlwind .... Just tryin' to make sense of it all.... esp. since there was know warning. In hindsite we can see know it seemed odd how some thing happened ... but dh & I have never been through this before. & we took bmom at her word. She never waivered from her plan. When she spoke to 'others' about us she said we were the parents. Her decision was very sudden & emotional based. She told dh & I over the phone she was crying very hard apoloziing profusely. Saying 'I can't do it I'm soooo very sorry.... 'surprisely I was the strong telling her its ok, It's ok.
Dh was the one who broke down first crying as he fell in love w/ baby girl very hard. It's hard to believe we will never see her again. Bmom said we can go back to the hospital & still 'see' her. She'll send us pix (thinking Jeeez I thought it was to be the other way around ) But that would just be by far to difficult. We did leave the door open I said we'll stay close by for a few day: you know how to contact us if needed.... but to what end? ...I told dh the baby is Nicu... as she is premature 35weeks. They est. she won't be released for 2 weeks. 7-14 days. Nothing will have changed the only thing that may happen is when bmom gets baby home & realizes she can't care for her. We can't stay that long. So we stayed till the next day left. I did leave the door open w/ bmom saying 'you know how to contact us anything changes.' Her financial situation is the same. She's still on food stamps, welfare, & government asst. & now she has 2 kids 5 year old , 3 year old & now a NB. ( the father has costody of the 6 year old) & her mom is caring for everyone- now bmom's phiance' is moving in. My agency & facilitator were both shocked by bmom's decision- & believe she is thinking w/ her heart not her head....in the meantime they said don't close any doors... she may change her mind once reality hits her in the face & she realizes she's in the same boat financially.~
But in the meantime we miss out of baby girl first weeks .... but then we found out much to Agency / & facilitator surprise birth father was planning to contest the adoption though he did not have a leg to stand on.....he had a prior conviction that was hidden by the bmom who knew when she filled out the paper w/ the agency he was convicted of . Criminal Sexual Conduct, 3rd Deg (Person 13 Thru 15) .... He was in prison for 11years! was just paroled 11/08 the month baby girl was conceived (He's on sex offendor registery !)
We were both in shock when we learned that ... now thinking IF bmom comes back & says ' I change my mind' we have to think on If we want to put our family in danger /what is he capable of etc..... we now know he was pressuring bmom in the hospital- getting all territorial about the baby... on the one hand dh wants something better for baby girl but we don't know what this guy is capable of obviously he's NOT above intimidation of women. We did ask agency If this situation is the 'norm' they deal with... they did say this was an unusual set circumstance referring to bmom's lie of omission bdad contesting, & prison record revealed- they were shocked most by the fact that the bmom backed out ... she seemed so sure by her decision, she had a plan of what was going to happen after the birth. Everyone was shocked by her decision agency, facilitator, and US most of all.
It's a lot to take in; esp. in 1 week. Our hearts remain heavy. .......... I'm having dreams about baby girl her room was all prepared. & both dh & I still have to go through the story again w/ co-workers N stuff.... as I have yet to return to work. We both reeeally thought this was it; after 7 years & 4 mc ....we finally thought is was our turn so to speak.
We know god has a plan Sometimes his lessons are really hard. Guess it will take time. In the Meantime, we have to absorb ourselves in work replenishing the money that was lost on lawyers ........... because unfortunately if an adoption was to happens now .......... we would not have money to close. Sometimes I wonder if dh & I were even meant to have children. ............ I know it will happen but some days I get so tired of heartache.
Thanks for your concern & prayers
any insight you can give is appreciated.
God bless
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Wow, I am so sorry this happened, I have no insight to give, though I have heard repeatedly that no matter how sure the emom may be before birth, you can't really count on that, because birth often changes their perspective and that is understandable.
I was matched after the baby was born, there was no matching done before birth. It just happened that way, that was the situation the agency presented me with. I've heard some say there's less chance of failed matches that way, I don't know if there are statistics or whatever to support that, but it makes sense in a way.
Please hang in there, and best wishes.
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Thank you so much for your response I was really was beginning to wonder where everyone was at. More than anything; I guess I just needed to be heard.
Thank you for your words. Trust me dh & I will not be feeling so confident next time... not that I did this time but it is very difficult to remain detached as your being fed with all this positive nfo- of everything you want to hear & believe.... how THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN. Yeah at this point I just hope for what our agency call 'a stork drop baby' less of an emotional rollercoaster.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Your heart must be ripped in two. It doesn't make any logical sense at all, it makes me sick to think that this could happen to me as well. As much as it's a birthmom's right to change her mind, it doesn't make take away all the damage it creates in your life. Frankly, if our expectant mother changes her mind (and she's often hard to get a hold of), we'd be at the end of the road. We'd be out of money and out of patience.
Sydangle2
Yeah at this point I just hope for what our agency call 'a stork drop baby' less of an emotional rollercoaster.
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ebonvan
I want to add one more thing - do you think that you will continue to look for another child to adopt? Do you think the birthmother will change her mind again and call you? Would you be willing to go through it all again?
mnmomma
I am so sorry for what you are going through. :grouphug:
There's not a lot of traffic in this section of the forums, so I thought I'd post. You mentioned a 'stork drop baby' - I assume you mean matching with a "baby-born" situation. Some agencies only match this way - so you aren't involved with emom support and she feels in no way obligated to sign once the baby is born. If your agency doesn't do this often, maybe look at some others (if you wouldn't lose $ to do so). The risk really is a lot lower - especially for your heart.
Best wishes,
Hello: My husband I adopted a beautiful little girl. These are distant cousins ages 21 and 20. We had talked for several months regarding the adoption. She referred to the baby as "it". she call me on the day she went into labor and said "Come get your baby". I flew to Virginia. I had hired attorneys in both Virginia and in Texas, figured they knew what the heck they were doing. the adoption was supposed to be opened, had no problem with that. birthparents begin calling almost everyday, hinting about money, about returning the baby. I had already turned in paper work. Suddenly attorney calls from Texas, she wants baby back. In Texas the paperwork states that she cannot ask for baby back until after 61 days. We went to court and rights were terminated, judge waited another 30 days before signing final adoption decree. Now three days after that they send paperwork to Texas contesting adoption stating she signed papers under duress. Granted she, I, father, and the other two children were together the entire time I was in Virginia. Stated they did not know I was taking child to Texas. We went to court in Virginia. I won. They appealled. Now they have filed paperwork in Virginia and Texas stating the adoption was fraudulent, i gave them money (i did pay co-payments for medical expenses, bought food, but no large sums of money). Now I am terrified that I am going to lose her. my heart bleeds for you. I think I will kill myself if I lose her, because I cannot stand the thought of these two disgusting, nasty, immature people having her. I have been popping valium like candy just to be able to function at work, when I can go to work. I don't understand how if we have a final adoption decree this can happen? Now they are saying we didn't do something regarding UCCJEA, but we went to court in Virginia and obtained legal custody naming us locus parentis and that we would be filing adoption in Texas. I pray for you and I pray for us as well. You are strong just to be abe to get up every morning, becasue I don't think I can live if they win. I am praying for you and praying for me. I believe in God's Grace and Mercy, but the devil seems to be winning sometimes. Peace and Mercy on us both.