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Hi there, I adopted my cousins little girl 2 years ago. My daughter is now 3 and since the adoption my cousins has had another baby with the same father. This boy is also now up for adoption and most likely be adopted by my twin sister. Yesterday I recieved a call that turned my world unside down. I found out the my cousin (birthmom) is now prostituting in Calgary at the age of 18 (she was 14 when she got pregnant the first time). My daughter is just starting to talk alot so I had been thinking about starting to explain to her that she had two mommies and daddies when I heard this news. Now I don't want to tell her anything. I know it's still early to tell if the birth mom will get her life in order or not but I'm scared of how this in going to affect both her kids. I'm looking for some advise on if I should still start to explain to her about adoption and who her other parents are or should I hold off for a while yet? Any advise as well on how to talk to the birthmom that might help her. I think she suffers from alot of guilt over giving up both her kids even though she doesn't feel any bond with them.
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I don't think there is ever a 'too early' to tell. As for her bio parents - you don't have to tell her who they are - just that they weren't able to take care of her. Now how to explain to your daughter that her brother lives with your sister is a mystery to me. NOT telling your daughter she's adopted is just wrong in my opinion - there are so many out there that didn't find out until much later in life and it's been a huge blow. This way, your daughter will always know she was adopted and be part of her life. (at least it was for me) I'm sorry your cousin is making such awful life choices. At 18 she's has her whole life in front of her and she's just throwing it all away.
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Are you planning an open relationship with the bmom at this point? Being adopted, I think it's important to start the conversation early so it will just be a fact of the child's life. I now have an adopted DD and her bmom was (and most likely still is) a drug addict. I am explaining to her about how another woman carried her in her tummy and she couldn't care for her so she chose us to adopt her and take care of her. You can begin that type of conversation with her. I know for myself, I knew bmom could not care for me and even as a young adult still didn't question the details. I would bring up adoption but she doesn't need to know the details of the mom's behavior. 18 is very young so hopefully your cousin can get it together.
My son has always known he was adopted. Frankly, it's better that way. You tell your daughter age-appropriate information. What Jack knows is that he has a birthmother, he grew in her uterus, and he has siblings who don't live with him. When he's older, he'll learn more. So, start with explaining the birthmother/father concept, and just say that they couldn't take care of a baby. I found that Jack doesn't have a problem knowing that he has siblings who don't live with him, so it may be fairly simple to tell your DD that she has a brother who lives with her aunt. Definitely start now! :hippie: