anyone adopted children older than their bio kids

That's a tough one. I have heard from some people that changing birth order was a bad decision for them. I have also heard from people who say it went very well. We got our 5 and 6 yr old when our DD was 12 months old so she really didn't know the difference. She did have a very rough time sleeping for about 2 weeks. She knew something had changed for sure. Now, 9 months later, she LOVES being the baby and the other 2 LOVE having a baby sister (They ask for more babies all the time!) I don't know if it would be as easy with a 4 yr old. Only you know his personality and what is best for him. Hey, he is old enough to ask his opinion. He can't understand all the adult stuff, but he can give you his gut reaction. Maybe someone else here will have more experience with this topic?

i haven't experienced it yet, but we are considering it as well. my daughter is 2 and we are hoping to match with a little boy that is one year older than her. i am planning to make a book for her if we get matched to help her understand the transition.

Us too. We have a 2 1/2 year old little girl and we are hoping to add on. In NJ, the chances of being placed with a child older than her a far greater than the chances of being placed with a child younger than her (or, at least, a young child with needs we are able to accomodate). However, that is probably OK in our situation as our daughter is extremely (raging tantrums) jealous of babies...not so much with "big kids"...so it may work out. (For our sake, we hope we're calling it right.) Nonetheless, we have much preparing yet to do.

I usually just read the forums and don't offer advice (since I haven't been there, done that), but I too have a 4 year old. We will be licensed any day now as a foster/adoptive home. We felt it important not to disrupt birth order mainly because our BS is a caretaker. He longs to be the BIG brother. He has older cousins that he really interacts well with, but LOVES babies. I agree that it is TOTALLY the personality of the bio child. If a child doesn't seem gentle enough or gets jealous around younger children, then an older child may be the fit. It's also according to how quickly you want things to move. Babies will be a longer wait. Go with your instincts. No advice is stronger than that. Good luck!

i've been wondering the same thing, but our situation would be that we have a 2-y-o and are looking into adopting an older teen (17-ish). I'm tending to think the birth order thing would not be so much applicable since the adopted child would be sooo much older, more like an adult to our bio son than a sibling. to answer your question though, i personally wouldn't adopt, say a younger child who is older than ds (like anywhere between 2-11) because of the birth order thing... perhaps it's my sons personality, but he is definately an "oldest" and i think it would be a major disruption for him to not be anymore.

Our experience was that social workers in our area were very opposed to adopting out of birth order for the biological child. That obviously created the potential for bumping birth order for the adopted children, but that wasn't an issue. They have it as one of their mantras and most were unyielding, no matter what we had to say. The few who listened to our family circumstances and were encouraging ended up having no say in the matter. Oddly enough, they have no problem with placing foster children who are older and those children going on to be adopted (out of birth order). They did not equate the two circumstances.

This is my first post and this topic is why I joined. I am looking for info regarding this very topic. I have a 4yo boy and a 2yo girl. I would like to adopt a sibling set but my husband is concerned how it may affect the children we already have if "birth order" is out of place. I was thinking maybe two or three children between 0 and 7 but my husband is thinking if we adopt it should just be one infant. I'm not trying to pressure him into anything (as he says he'd also "ideally" love to adopt a sibling set and would love to adopt children of varying ages) but I thought I'd address his concerns. I am having a hard time finding information and/or stories of families who have adopted children who are out of "birth order" from the children who are already in their home.

We have a bio 4yo boy and 1yo girl. We have not even started our classes or anything yet so we figure if we wait 6-12 more months to even sign up then bio girl will be around 18months -2yo by then. But we are interested in adopting a sibling set which means possibly being open to adopting a younger 0-2 yo and an older 2-3 or 4 yo (and if things REALLY kick off possibly a 3rd older sibling if we think we can handle it). I'm having a hard time finding stories, info, articles regarding children being out of birth order though.

My 2 cents, for what its worth; in my classes nearly everyone was there to adopt a little girl. No one signed up looking to adopt a boy. The others had a specific situation already they were working on. Also, I am adopting out of birth order. Well, actually its a case of "filling in the gap". My youngest is a 5 yr old boy, bio. He absolutely LOVES having big brothers and sisters, and now there are a couple close in age and he loves them tremendously. There was a little jealousy initially, and a lot of very close supervision for a while, but they have become very close and wouldn't trade each other for nothing in the world. So, we are living proof it can work out happily and be the right thing. But, it is also extremely challenging. I am very fortunate with my family. One of my older sons (adoptive) was very wounded when he came, and had numerous rages. He was also extremely jealous of my youngest son, who had only been given love- not false love and rejection like he had. We had to watch him extremely closely to make sure our little one stayed safe. But he desperately wanted to heal, and the change in him has been almost miraculous. He has also become my 5 yr old's hero- he is a wonderful big brother, no longer jealous or raging, and watches over him very carefully. He also loves to play with him and teach him how to be a big boy. But like I said, he desperately wanted to heal. I'm not too sure that is typical. If he had stayed the same kid for years, or forever, I don't know what would have happened. It's hard work, and at times, scary and worrisome. Little ones you bring home often know so much hurt, that thats basically what they know- so they hurt others. Little children already in your home are easy targets of larger, stronger, more angry children. You can't forget that.

Ditto to all of this. This is my first post and the reason I joined. We just got word today that we were matched with a 5 y/o girl and 4 y/o boy. We have a BioDaughter who is 2.5. I'm really nervous...and excited... my social worker never batted an eyelash about the age issue...but I know a lot of people talk about maintaining birth order. What to do!?!

My adopted kids will be older than my bio kid. We adopted a sibling group (ages 4 and 2) and now are expecting a biological child. We have worked both kids up into a frenzy of excitement at getting a new sibling. Some of it is how you present it and how you act about it. Younger kids will take cues from your behavior. Older kids will have opinions and it's good to let them talk it out even if you don't like what you hear. Every family is different and we've seen a lot of our friends adopt out of birth order and they make it work.

I also am just starting the process and this topic caught my eye. We have 2 bio sons - age 5 and age 3 (will be 4 this year). They both get along fabulously although my oldest is very loving and caring, he can be competitive with my youngest. My youngest is also very competitive and jealous (he acts that way if my husband comes near me..LOL) so I don't think he would do well with a baby. My oldest always says he would like a sister and I asked him if she was older would that be okay. He seemed to be excited over the idea. What I would be more concerned with is adopting a child of the same gender who is older than him. I think that would have more of a negative effect. He will still be our oldest boy and will still feel as such. What do you think? Will the birth order really be affected? We are thinking about a girl between the ages of 8-11

I just want to reiterate what Bama said. I think since it was at the end of the post it may have been lost. Remember that these children are not available for adoption because they had a rosy past. They have most likely been hurt. The normal in thier early homes will have been very different than what most of us consider normal. They also may have anger inside from all the changes and loss they have suffered. This anger is easy to take out on a younger child. (or a pet) these children are likely to have been physically and/or sexually and/or psychologically abused. Behaviors towards younger children that they think are normal based on thier experience may not be something you want your younger kids to be a part of. Not all foster kids will hurt a younger child. However, you many not know, the social workers may not know. Some of these kids have learned to be very sneaky. They may not have been caught before or they may not have been around younger children. It can work, but you have to be very careful, especially at first. You will have to be sure they are never alone with a younger child until you really know them.

We adopted a 10 year old...our younger son was 7. We have had NO issues of abuse or negative behavior from oldest to youngest. Our sons have become best friends. Under the right circumstances, I would not hesitate to adopt out of birth order again. It was honestly the best decision we have ever made.

My bio children are 2 boys ages 11 and 12 and a girl age 7. We have adopted 2 girls, ages 11 and 12; and 2 boys, ages 13 and 15. And we are in the process of adopting a 3 year old. The adoptions took place after we fostered them for about a year. We have been doing foster care for about three years and have had more than 40 kids through our home. I believe that the behavior of both foster and adoptive children can and does rub off on the younger kids. I've noticed this especially in the case of my 7 year old daughter. She has become a sassy drama-queen. But that is because she was exposed to so many children with poor behavior while she was, and is, still at a very impressionable age. That is not to say it would happen to you, because all children are different, and in my case, a lot of the kids we took in had extreme behavior issues like ODD, and Conduct Disorder. But despite that, I am still so happy to have adopted my kids, and I still enjoy being a foster parent. My children all love each other and they enjoy being one big happy family. I would not trade the experience for anything in the world!