new- needing to talk

Oh, Lynn, this is such good news. I'm so happy your daughter's mom reached out to you this way. And big congrats on getting accepted into the behavioural therapist program!! One of the best gifts you can give yourself in your healing is to pursue your goals and dreams, and to believe you absolutely deserve to have a good life. I'm sure your daughter will be very proud of you no matter what!

I gave up my daughter a little over 2 years ago. I know that I did the best thing for her, but it wasn't the best thing for me. The first year was the worst. It has gotten easier, but it still hurts. And anger is normal. I've just gotten to the point that I can look at a pregnant woman, but baby showers are still out. It's been a long road, and I still get angry, upset, mad at the world, but those days are less and less. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you are not alone. It does help to talk about it.

Lyn While I cannot share your grief, I CAN give you some insight from the other side, the adoptee's side. Please take some of your feelings and write them down. Someday, your daughter may search for you. Having your letters to her, having your thoughts and feelings at the time, will mean SO MUCH! to her. Then put them in a sealed envelope and store them. I cannot tell how how much I would give to have something from my bmother saying that she wanted me, loved me. I will never have that opportunity as she died before I found her. You could write her a letter every birthday. Peace MA

((Lynn)) So good to hear from you and to know that you are doing better and have a wonderful goal in sight. I am also so happy that Jessica's amom is open and respectful toward you. It sounds like she has an understanding and loving heart. Continued blessings! NanieB

Hello Lyn, I'm an Adopted Mother. my son is almost 11yrs old now. we brought him home from the adoption agency when he was 2 days old. we originally had a semi open adoption, this is where we sent letters and pictures thru the adoption agency monthly updating the birth mother on the development of our son (it was requested that we do this every month for the 1st yr and then on his b-day each yr thereafter). we knew each others first names but did not know where each other lived. once in a while we would get a letter from the bmother telling us she made the right decision and thanking us for sharing our son with her. we felt so blessed that she gave us the biggest blessing she could ever give anyone, we just wanted to share with her in his development and growth. after about a year and a half of these letters and photos, my husband and I told her via a letter if she would like to see our little boy again, our hearts were open to this. she responded to our letter and said she was not ready yet but that her mom wanted to see him again. well, eventually we all met at a park nearby and it was the best thing we could ever do. she and her parents were so wonderful and loving, we just wanted to share our son even more. eventually we met the birth father and his family and today we all have a great open relationship. our son has several families now and is loved by so many people, we are so happy we were able to do this for him. the birthmother went back to high school after giving birth and eventually onto to college. today, she is a school teacher, she recently got married and our son walked her mother (his birth grandmother) down the aisle and it was so beautiful and special, we all cried. now we look forward to her and her husband having children... so we can spoil them alot....and our son is looking forward to brothers and sisters in his future as well. we thank God for all of this, it is the best thing that has ever happened to all of us!!! so you see, anything is possible. so, go ahead and take that opportunity to go back to school to be a behavioural therapist for children...you will do it and you will be great at it!!! Ask for a Semi Open adoption, so down the road you can possible make it open when you are ready. God bless you, your baby and Adopted Parents. I know everything will work out in the end. Please use this sight to talk to others and as others have suggested, please see a professional when you can, I know that will help you, as it did our birthmother very much. God Bless! Louise :flower:

Hello Lyn,I'm an Adopted Mother. my son is almost 11yrs old now. we brought him home from the adoption agency when he was 2 days old. we originally had a semi open adoption, this is where we sent letters and pictures thru the adoption agency monthly updating the birth mother on the development of our son (it was requested that we do this every month for the 1st yr and then on his b-day each yr thereafter). we knew each others first names but did not know where each other lived. once in a while we would get a letter from the bmother telling us she made the right decision and thanking us for sharing our son with her. we felt so blessed that she gave us the biggest blessing she could ever give anyone, we just wanted to share with her in his development and growth. after about a year and a half of these letters and photos, my husband and I told her via a letter if she would like to see our little boy again, our hearts were open to this. she responded to our letter and said she was not ready yet but that her mom wanted to see him again. well, eventually we all met at a park nearby and it was the best thing we could ever do. she and her parents were so wonderful and loving, we just wanted to share our son even more. eventually we met the birth father and his family and today we all have a great open relationship. our son has several families now and is loved by so many people, we are so happy we were able to do this for him. the birthmother went back to high school after giving birth and eventually onto to college. today, she is a school teacher, she recently got married and our son walked her mother (his birth grandmother) down the aisle and it was so beautiful and special, we all cried. now we look forward to her and her husband having children... so we can spoil them alot....and our son is looking forward to brothers and sisters in his future as well. we thank God for all of this, it is the best thing that has ever happened to all of us!!!so you see, anything is possible. so, go ahead and take that opportunity to go back to school to be a behavioural therapist for children...you will do it and you will be great at it!!! Ask for a Semi Open adoption, so down the road you can possible make it open when you are ready.God bless you, your baby and Adopted Parents. I know everything will work out in the end. Please use this sight to talk to others and as others have suggested, please see a professional when you can, I know that will help you, as it did our birthmother very much. God Bless!Louise :flower:[/quote]

This is so lovely. I had a semi-open adoption, and while I treasure what I had, and don't have anything against my son's parents, I often wish I could have had something similar open up for me the way you did with your son's birth mom and dad. It's great that you were able to work this out and that it turned out so well for everyone, especially your son.

Hey girl, I am an adoptee, that read your posts. You are having a lot of thoughts, but let me say to you that you have done something very special, and don't doubt that for a minute. You chose to give some lucky family a chance to raise a child that couldn't otherwise. I recently found some of my birth family (It was a closed adoption in 1962) My Mother was deceased. I wanted to find her thank her for the life and family that she gave me. I believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes we don't know why for years. Chin up, your choice wasn't the easiest, but I believe that it was a good one. May you be blessed for you strength and selflessness.

To Just Peachy, It turned out wonderful for our son, we are grateful for that. I hope someday you can have more of what you want from your relationship with your child. Keep a diary of your feelings and maybe someday you can share it with your son. God Bless.

Lynn, I've been there/done that but it still is hard - 30 years plus. Quantum has great advice - you made the "right" decision at the time but, in my opinion, NEVER feels right and, forgive me, but the social worker is full of nonsense! I respect aparents and love them dearly but nobody will ever walk a mile in my shoes or make me "feel" any differently than I do. My bson and I are reunited, not as I would have wanted but we're good, as he knows I'm available, but you must know you did your best at the time and that's all one can do. I've faced death in the face and realized - most people are full of S*&^ so trust your feelings, love deeply and your life will be full. I'm not saying "happy" but knowing you've done "right" is not something people accept readily - but they should! PM me if need be - I have seen life/love from both sides and know that everyone here support you.

Dear Lyn, It is very natural to have such emotions. You gave up a part of yourself, and your life. I gave my son up in 1974, I had him when I had just turned 18, an entire lifetime ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. I was not prepared to have a child at that time in my life. I was not ready to settle down. I did not marry until I was 30 and started having my 2 children right after that. This was not the original plan, but it's how my life played out. At some point, your reflections will become more clear and your pain will lessen. It's ok to cry, to resent, to feel bewildered, worried, and yes, also content with what you felt was the right thing to do. Just never stop talking about it. It will help you find your path. You are a mere human, flaws included. If I had stayed with my sons father, and kept my son, I don't know what good would have come of it. I have seen way too many children that were kept and were resented or abused (not because of anything but a situation) to let go of my feelings on this. I know in my heart he's a fine young man now, I would have had nothing less, and that comforts me. Trust in your God and know that your choice was the best one he could have you make at the time. You will be alright. It will just take some time and healing.

God bless you, Louise Flower, for loving your son so completely and selflessly and for accepting him in totality. You have given him a exceptional gift by allowing his birthfamily to be such an integral part of his life. I think you have spared him a future of conflict and uncertainty. He must feel so very, very loved! My daughter's adoptive mother concealed her adoption, and filled her with guilt for wanting to find me. How awful to make a child feel so torn. Thank God, she & I were reunited 20 years ago and share a wonderful and close relationship, despite the obstacles. You have spared your son so much pain. That is what a real mother always tries to do for their children, isn't it? Blessings, NanieB

Hey, I've been there and do fill your pain,I gave up my daughterback in 1988,I miss her terribly every day,every hour,every second of every breath I take. It does get easy don't beat your self up,right now I know it's hard but you will get through it, God never brings us to something with out helping us get through it. Keep your chin up thin gs will get better for you and one day you can tell her you gave her the life she deserved at the time,you are precious in God's eyes,you gave a family the greatest gift. Take care, A Mom who knows

I gave up my baby 20 years ago this month. I know it was the right thing for me to do, I mean I really know, but I have always missed her. I have had so many friends and family to talk about it with, I think that is what has gotten me through. I hope to meet her one day. You need someone you can talk to about it openly, someone who will be there for you no matter what. That is what helped me. All of my children know they have an older sister, I can even talk to them about it. I will pray for you, Tami

Almost every birth mother has felt that way at one time or another, In my opinion. Your missing a part of yourself. Cant talk much right now, but saw your post and wanted to reply. I believe it's possible to get through this. It is hard though. I'll be praying for you till we can hopefully chat soon. Celebrate her in any way you want to on any occasion. Stay strong!The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.