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I adopted my boys 7 years ago when they were 3 and 4 years old. They are now 10 and 11. My youngest has really changed the last few months to the point that I am very concerned. All of a sudden he started being dishonest and disrespectful to and towards me. I have tried everything to get the dishonest behavior under control, but so far nothing has really been successful. He started the 4th grade this year and has also had some behavior issues in the classroom. This past week at school he started writing about how he dreams of meeting his biological (a word we have NEVER used with him and I am not sure he even knows what it means!) mother and how much she loves and adores him. When he asked me about her 2 years I took the high road (She was abusive and neglected) and told him she loved him very much to allow me to love him and be his Mommy. Was this wrong? Have you had this happen to you and how did you get through it? I am heart broken by the recent behavior and obsession with the biological mother. Is this normal and I am being to hard on myself?
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I totally agree -- my sons were also three and four when we adopted them, and have been home 10 years. They were abused and neglected by their first family HOWEVER we have managed to have an open adoption with birth parents because it was important. IT has NOT always been easy -- BUT our kids have seen the truth. We have FREQUENTLY talked about their birth family, what happened to them before adoption and foster care - talk in loving ways about their birth family but still they have been able to see the reality of the struggles in their first family. We brought our son last summer to see / meet his first family ... it was hard at times, wonderful at times -- and very, very honest as well. We have never had to "compete" for our boys affections because we have ALWAYS been honest with them - and open to contact.
I adopted a brother and sister that were 8 and 6. They are now 14 and 17. The boy (17) sounds much like yours. I have had him in therapy since he came to us and in several social skills and leadership groups. His problems began in about 4th grade and have continued to worsen since then. He spent time in a group home from age 13 to 15. We then brought him back to live with us. This past July, he ran away and lived with meth dealers and tatoo arists. He called us in Aug. and we took him back. He just recently ran away again the day before Thanksgiving. We have taught him morals, values, and showed him all kinds of love. I think the best advice is to get a good therapist that specializes in attachment issues. I have looked but have not been able to find one in Utah.
It is definitely normal for them to wonder about their bio mom. My girls were adopted from the same type of mom 6 years ago at ages 8 and 9. These issues tend to resurface from time to time as the girls mature, maybe because they can understand past events better as they get older. I just try to briefly answer only the questions they ask without adding any extra information they didn't specifically ask for. In regards to why they are with me, I tell them that she wasn't able to take care of them properly. I don't have any idea what her feelings are, so I don't offer information about that. When they ask about seeing her, I just tell them they are not ready now, but when they are older they can if they still want to then. As much as we would like to keep them apart, we have to be ready in case the kids do want a reunion later, after all, once they are 18, we can't stop them anyway. Better to know it is normal for them to be at least curious and support them.
Tiptoeing around the truth isn't going to work. These kids are picking up on something. Be honest. Tell them not every mother is fit to mother. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. It sounds like they are acting out because they are confused. Get them in counselling now. People have this deranged idea that kids don't remember. They do. Deal with it honestly. Ask them if they remember. Hiding the truth won't help. Get things out on the table. Who knows what these kids have been exposed to prior to your taking them in. Lots of kids who have been abandoned act out. They were abandoned emotionally by the sounds of things long before they were given up for adoption. Good Luck
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