Half-siblings... it's complicated

It is not in the best interest of my child to associate with the other family. We were told from the time the bio-mom was 4 months pregnant until 7 days after the baby was born that it was the law (and it is) that the baby be placed with his sibling. We were not even told the other family existed. We had the crib and bedding and clothes and diapers. It was like having a miscarriage. If I was a cruel person I would've sought custody of the new baby. That baby's family was not equipped or approved for two children in their home and a worker told me they were not interested in raising another man's son. I sent all of the clothed and diapers to the other baby's grandma and she sent me a thank you note with a photo for Ellie's baby book so I could show her when she grew up. I have a 6 bedroom, 4.5 bath home and 2 children. I was willing, fit and able to raise both children. I have experienced the loss of a child and could not be responsible for causing that grandmother pain. The babies would feel no loss if they were raised seperately and apart, but the grandmother would've felt terrible pain. Sad truth is "the polar star" in custody cases is the best interest of the child... yes, even over genetics. He didn't know grandma when he was born, but my daughter had a bond with me and my husband and son.I never hired a lawyer about the custody issue. I hired a lawyer about the sibling visit issue, but the baby has been with his grandma for too long now and there may be a bond. Since the baby was born I found out facts that disturb me and make me wish I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now. Other people placed them seperately and proved to the court they should be seperated.... seperation of siblings isn't easy to get... I didn't ask for it because I didn't know all the circumstances.... I didn't have an attorney at the time and depended on the workers and the GAL. So it was their decision to seperate them. The judge already told them they "made a mess", I don't believe he would enforce a court order. The judge told them twice at the hearing we are her family and they are not. They had prepared a request for a court order for sibling visits and didn't give it to him because of that. They went back to him 3 weeks later without me present and said both parties came to an amicable agreement and agreed to sibling visits, so he signed it. Now we are contesting that. It really is a mess. I am not the bad guy. I have read and researched with an open mind because if sibling visits were in her best interest, I wanted what was best for her. The bad far and away outweighs the good and I have to choose the lesser of the two evils because I was put in a position I should not be in. The lesser of two evils is a normal, secure, childhood... and being told about the adoption and the siblings when their meeting is meaningful and they have the skills to understand. My six year old had been writing his name since he was 2 and reading since he was 3 and does division and multiplication and he is confused. Experts say to start using the language of adoption around 3 or 4 and her age-appropriate facts about her adoption between 8 and 11. They say if they ask about siblings at that time it build trust to facilitate the meeting. Some experts say do not tell them until they are past their teenage years. That mature adults are better equipped to handle the information. They say most teens already have issues with self-image and we don't want her to see him and think "that's where I came from, that's who I am" and the issue of self-fulfilling prophecy. Even a well-adjusted teen struggled with identity issues. I have plenty of time to read and research and I will know my child and know what is right for my child. Adults who are told feel a curiousity at best. There are some wonderful stories of friendships formed, but most of the time they are disappointed. Sibling registries only allow children 18 and over access. We should be able to access the sibling information without a registry. I could only benefit and build trust if she wanted to know sooner and she thought she was ready. With the Internet she could probably find them on her own, so it is best that I agree to help her and do so. I'm not sure about the futureand I don't have to be right now. But I am sure about NOW. The grandmother feels guilt, shame and embarrassment for how her son turned out and she should NOT. Learning from her mistakes is one thing, but using my daughter and that otherbaby for her do-over is another. This is quite therapeutic to read this back and realize how strong my feelings for my daughter are and what a Mama Lioness I am when people are trying to use my daughter to ease their own minds.... more the department than the social workers. I love support and respect other opinions. They make me see this from a whole different perspective. Thank those who understand for their support and those who disagree for "playing Devil's Advocate" and helping me see a whole other side.