What do you wish friends said or did when it happened to you?

I haven't had a failed match or placement, and I know it's "politically correct" (and of course legally correct) to say that a baby is not "yours" until the TPR papers are signed. But I honestly fell in love with DD the moment she was born and I would have been devastated if I had to return her to her birth parents after parenting her. So I guess I would "acknowledge" that she has been a mom and an important part of this baby's life. I also know it's "trite," but I do believe things happen for a reason and hopefully she will know that reason soon. You sound like a great friend and support system. I am sure she will really appreciate that.

Do NOT tell her that "all things happen for a reason" -- that is not helpful when someone is grieving. And even though the child was not legally hers, it probably was in her heart. I lost a child to RU after 9 months as a pre-adoptive placement. The most supportive friends were those who listened to me talk, vent, cry, and acknowledged that it was a real loss. Some friends invited us over for dinner or on a (kid-free) outing to try to get our minds off of it for a few hours. Those same friends continue to talk/ask about our former FS and recognize that he will always be a part of our hearts. The non-helpful friends were those who acted like nothing had happened or made comments about how "at least he was with his real family." Just be there for your friend and understand that it may take a while before she begins to heal.

Well, we never lost a placement, but with my youngest, I really believed that his firstmom was going to change her mind. We parented quietly until C signed TPR (which was 2 months after JD was born and home with us) so although family and close friends knew, we didn't tell everybody. Like I said, we fully expected to get that call. And had we received it, I would have liked someone to say "It's ok to grieve...It's ok to be angry...I'm here for you." I would have KNOWN that this was her right, so telling me that would have been redundant. To build upon what Loveajax said, if someone would have said "It wasn't your child" it would have kicked me. I would have KNOWN that, but sometimes it takes a while for the head and the heart to reach the same place. I'm probably mucking this up, but the gist of what I'm trying to say is that it's not an easy time for anyone. Shannon, you have such a kind heart. I think the best thing you can do is just be there for your friend...Tell her you're sorry and hold her hand. ***And in an effort to keep this from becoming a "side war", I'm answering strictly what Shannon is asking. I know a emom who changes her mind is going through a world of hurt and confusion and emotion, but for me, that is another topic to be addressed on another thread.***

Maybe I should have waited for you to post - you said exactly what I wanted to, only more eloquently. Hugs to you. :grouphug:

Just coming through my first failed adoption. I posted in my thread about how much it has helped me for people to point out that I am greiving. To hear it from so many other people somehow helps me feel a little better about it. Doesn't take away the pain, but helps. She needs a "safe place" to be able to talk...she needs to feel that she can say anything to you without judgement. She needs to feel like someone understands and feels the same pain she has felt. That connection will help her tremendously.

Tell them to take the time they need to grieve, and be Pissed off - yes, I said pissed off..... There is no other way to say it. She is allowed to be pissed at everything - the process, the rules, the world..... everything.... But, tell her to get back out there... You just never know when the call might come..... Good luck and thanks for being a good friend to your friend..... Mega

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When this happened to me I cringed everytime someone said, "your baby will find you." or "everything happens for a reason." Listen and let her cry on your shoulder. Maybe ask her if she would like help packing up the nursery. I was so hurt and in so much pain, we had to sell our house. I could not stand walking past the nursery that should have been Damien's room. I would just sit in the floor and cry. Lucky for us the house sold quickly being out of that house did help with healing. Know that it may not be a quick recovery, and know that it will take a while for her to "trust" again. Support her 100% if she decides to jump into the adoption ring again.It hurt like Heck, and I was pissed, and it was not fair and to this day I feel lied to and deceived by Damiens mom. Yes I still deal with anger over the entire thing 3 years later.

This is the one and only warning this thread will be given:If this discussion turns personal again and attacking in nature against other members of this forum - it will be closed and those involved WILL be banned, for good.Take the personal issues OFF SITE. Our forums are not the place to wage your personal battles with your friends. Email each other, call each other on the phone, stand in each others front yard and yell at each other - but DO NOT bring it here. This is in tandem to the warning posted on the other thread, which is already closed to further discussion and NOT welcome to be reintroduced here on this thread.Thats all.Post, be supportive, be respectful.

Close this thread please.

JMO opinion here - but I think in these kinds of situations - there is nothing to say. Nothing you can say will make it better - nothing. Now is the time to listen, and let her say whatever it is she needs to say. Do whatever it is she needs you to do. Honestly, the only thing I can think of that is "the worst" to hear is "I know how you feel", or "I know how you must feel", which obviously is impossible! Hugs to your friend, she's lucky to have a friend like you who is so concerned for her welfare!