First time opening up about my story...

((((TeRi212)))) I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry you did not get the support you needed during your pregnancy and now, post adoption. You really do find out who your friends are after going through something like this. I am sorry so many of your friends ditched you when you needed them the most. I think most people cannot comprehend adoption, even if they are adults, so I'm not sure how well other teenagers are really going to understand it. My friends stuck by me a little more, but I know most of them didn't truly "get it" and only one or two really talked about it with me and let me lean on them. It is very hard for people who haven't been through it to really understand. For instance, your friend who called you an "emotional wreck." Um, NEWSFLASH: You ARE going to be an emotional wreck after losing a child to adoption, EVEN IF IT WAS YOUR CHOICE. It is a tremendous loss, and one that society does NOT support, despite the lip service given to it. Even today, when I try to talk about my son to people (we had a semi-open adoption where we exchanged pictures and letters, and now trying to reconnect hopefully) I get **crickets**. People just don't know what to say and I'm not sure what it is about being a mother who chose adoption for her child that makes others so uncomfortable. One of these days I'm going to come right out and ask. One thing I will say: As important as it is for you to talk about your experience (and it is), it is also important to find some balance and take your mind off of it at times, too. Not to push it away or deny it, but simply to give yourself a break. If your friend is finding it "too much" I would suggest coming here and getting it all out, and also maybe trying to find other first moms online that you can connect with, who will truly understand what you are going through. I placed my child when I was just barely 19 (18 when pregnant). It was also my choice, but that doesn't make it any easier! I will say that where it has helped that it was my choice, and not forced by anyone (parents or agency, etc.), is in the fact that I can OWN that choice. I did what I felt was best in my circumstances, which were not good at the time, and in some ways similar to yours. My mom was supportive of my decision, but still unstable in so many other ways, and I did not have the option to bring my son home, nor did I really want to. I was able to weigh my other options and really felt (and still feel) adoption was best under my circumstances at that time. As I said, it doesn't take the pain away, but it helps to know that your decision came from you and not forced by someone else. It stinks, though, that the circumstances and timing are not right. I've always wished my circumstances could have been different, because they did limit my choices. Did you place through an agency? Do they offer any counseling? Are there any other counseling services in your area, or a clergy person or anyone you can talk to? I think it is so important to have counsling to help with your loss and feelings after placing a child. It also helps to express yourself in other ways, and get your feelings out so you don't bottle them up inside. For me, writing helps (you might want to keep a journal to your son--love his name, by the way, and also more of a "venting" journal for yourself, to get out all your feelings). I also think doing anything creative (music, art, dance, crafts, etc.) or getting out in nature (gardening, hiking/walking) and definitely exercising, all help to improve the mood and sort feelings out. Please find some way, every day, to do something nice and good for yourself. You do deserve that. I also think things will improve for you when you get out of the hellpit known as High School! Are you planning to attend college at all? No matter what you decide, I would encourage you to focus on being the very best person you can be, for yourself, and also for your son. I know it is not easy to do, but please try to work on feeling "guilty and horrible" as you describe it. I always say guilt is a useless emotion and it will only eat away at you for no reason. You did not do anything wrong to feel guilty about. You don't need to put that on yourself right now.

I just wanted to answer and lend my support. I am an adoptive mom in an open adoption. My son's firstmom was 17 when she got pregnant and 18 when she placed. She got a lot of support from her family (I sometimes think they pressured her into choosing adoption but I didn't know that at the time). But I know she goes through a lot of the same things with her friends and new people who she meets when she tells them about her placed son. By the way, she named our son Cillian which is also Gaelic. We kept his name but added a middle name and call him CJ. I don't mind at all when she calls him Cillian. It is his name and it is beautiful. But many adoptive parents feel that naming is the first thing they can do as an act of parenting since they did not conceive or birth their child. My heart goes out to you and I hope you continue to post and reach out to the other women who have placed. There is so much they can do to help you wrestle with your loss. You will need support as you work through your loss and get yourself on track with school and the rest of your life. You sound very smart and capable and I hope you find people who will lift you up instead of pulling you down.

Just replying to add my support - Peachy said more than I could ever come up with. I am an adoptee and had/have great parents and family and always felt deep love and respect for my birth/first mother. You did what is right for you and your child...never ever feel like you did a bad thing. Peace,Dickons

De TeRi212, Hi! :flower: My name's Janey and I relinquished two children to adoption. You wrote: First of all, I am so sorry that your mother treated you this way. :hissy: No matter her addiction problems or grief over what happened, her behavior was wrong. Period. (((( Teri )))) I wanted to let you know that this feeling of being alone is very common for women who've relinquished children. Many people turn their backs on us after we surrender a child, either out of fear or ignorance. It makes it very hard to find the support we need. I would echo Peachy's excellent suggestions regarding counseling and also taking care of yourself. One way to do that is to continue to post and ask for support from other women like us. Wishing you better days! :flower:

Thank you everyone! This is so warm and welcoming.I haven't felt so accepted in a long time. You all seem so strong... I don't see myself the same, but thank you so much for the support and caring words. I've been looking for some counseling, but the places in town see expensive. $50?! It would be worth the cost, but I don't really have that extra to spare. As for the question from JustPeachy, I plan to go to college after high school. I'm thinking of becoming a grade 1 teacher. I will definitely keep posting... these replies make me my heart feel so lovely! ^_^

TeRi! I'm glad you came back and checked in with us. I was wondering how you were doing. TeRi, don't underestimate yourself. You are strong, too, even though you may not feel like it right now with all the emotions that go along with having a child and working through having placed the child for adoption. It's still pretty fresh at 18 months. In my case, I've got quite a number of years on you, so perhaps it seems to you like I'm stronger, but I have the advantage of age/life experience that you will also have when you get to be my age. I didn't see myself as so strong, either, after I placed my child for adoption, but in looking back, I see that I really was. Counseling can be expensive, but it is worth it, provided you find a good therapist. Did you place through an agency? Do they offer post-adoption counseling for first moms? That should be no-cost or very low cost to you, if it is an option. Are there community centers in your area where you can see a counselor or social worker on a sliding scale fee basis? The other option is getting counseling at school. Most universities and colleges have counselors you can see through the school. When I was at college, I found a terrific counselor that I was able to see for free. Keep looking around and maybe make some calls to different places and see if they can provide referrals to other places if they cannot offer what you need at a price you can afford. Good luck with your college plans. I'm sure you will do well! :flower:

Make something of yourself to be proud of and you will find strength winthin your heart that was the only thing that made me feel better about putting my daughter up for adoption dont fail go beyond yourself :)

I just signed up with adoption.com & it was specifically to comment on your post. My name is Nicole and I am 19 years old. I am currently a little over 6 months pregnant and I'm due on February 14th, Valentines Day! Anyway, I have been going through a lot and I'm very stressed out. I don't want to put my son up for adoption but I feel it's the best thing. My dad has been pressuring me to put him up for adoption ever since I told him I was pregnant. I was actually looking on google for this kind of chat thing and happened to click on your post and felt sort of relieved that I could find someone with a similar situation. Anyway, my dad has been pressuring me so much for adoption and it hurts so much to know that I wont be able to raise my first child, I don't know if its the right decision for me to do or not. I dont make much money at my job and can only get so many hours a week. My dad is kicking me out of my house if i decide to keep my son, my boyfriend and also the father is crazy and he makes my life hell every day ( dont even want to get into that ) i havnt even told my mom yet becuase im too scared to, my sister is supportive of me but she is 23 with two kids of her own so she can only do so much. I know in my heart that there are so many families that arent able to have children that could give my son the life he deserves and needs, but I also want to try and give him that life, even though I know it would be hard and very stressful, and Im scared that if i tried that I would fail and not know what to do. I'm sorry if I'm venting too much about my own problem, & that you posted your situation to get advice from others, but I just wanted to know how you came to your desision and if you truely feel in your heart that it was for the best. I have a huge desision to make and I'm so scared that I wont make the right one. I'm usually a strong person but lately its been really hard for me to deal with everything. I'm so sad and dont have anybody to talk to, i dont have much time to think about things and its just coming so fast that I dont know what to do. I dont want my son to hate me if I gave him up, or feel that I didnt love him enough to keep him. I was just wondering since you went through this yourself if you had any advice that helped you make a desision that you felt was right. If not, it's okay. Again, I'm sorry that I'm posting about my own situation, just don't know where else to turn.

The right decision is the one you make based on how you feel, not how others will feel about the decision you make. You will be the one that will have to deal with the ramifications of whatever decision you make – be it parenting or placing. There is no easy answer to an unplanned pregnancy – regardless of the decision you make today, you will live with that decision for the rest of your life. Ask any parent how much parenthood impacts their daily life. Ask any birth parent how much placing impacts their daily life. I am not saying that to compare placing to parenting – I am saying that you and only you will have to cope with the decision you make – so don’t make it based on how someone else feels – make it based on how you feel. Each choice has an impact on your life – only you know which one works best for you in your current situation.

Dear Nicole - welcome. Many of us post to support others and end up sharing our own stories. If you check out the other forums on a.com, you will find the one where there are usually a number of other young women dealing with the issues of unplanned pregnancies. (Click on the birthparents forum category at the top of the page.) You are not alone in your struggle. This is a place where you can find others who know what you are facing. Teresa, ultimately, we make the best decision we can at the time. We can spend the rest of our lives second guessing ourselves (and some do) or we can recognize that despite what others think, we did our best. I had support from my parents even though my mom was not happy with adoption. It took her a long time to realize that I truly loved my baby. Do come here often for support. When do you finish high school? You say your adoption is an open one, do you have contact with the adoptive parents?

i am 28 years old and i have started to look for my birth mom. the only info i have for all this to go off of is this b-day is 5-18-1981, form tacoma washingtion, and she was 16. i have no names and i don't even know what my name that she gave me is ether. and i am very very woried that it might ruin her life if i find her and thats not what i want at all i just want to tell her thank you. does any one have any idea where to start. or what i should do about looking for her. thank you katy

Katy,I have no idea how your bmom will respond if you find her. I only know that I would have been delighted to have my bson find me. When I really started looking, I found him because he had registered on this site. Most likely, your bmom has been wondering where you are, what you are like, etc. There are no guarantees about her response, but she's only one who can let it "ruin her life." That's not your responsibility or fault. I believe that you should be able to find out about your genetic heritage and medical history. It's part of who you are. I would recommend registering everywhere you can, in case she's looking for you. Others are better with advice on how to look. Good luck!

I'm so sorry. I am in the process of adoption. I just had my baby five days ago. I am 18. Luckily my aunt and uncle came forward with the idea of adopting my baby. Grieving and depression, to me, I think is a huge part of it. Even though I can see her any time and we are such a close family, i still cried and slept and cried and slept and didn't eat. I still feel very sad, but they are giving me some time to rethink, since i felt sort of unprepared. I wish you the best, I really do.for more on my story:[url=http://www.ashleydsalazar.com]the life of ashley salazar[/url]

Ashley, do you have a counselor to talk to? You are definitely feeling the grief that goes with adoption. Depression is definitely a part of the picture. Plus many women experience the "baby blues" shortly after birth because our hormones are going crazy (again!) May God be with you as you think abou your decision.

HELLO THERESA MY NAME IS LESLEY I FEEL YOUR PAIN ONLY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF.ITS 14 YEARS LATERS FOR ME BUT IN MY FAMILY ITS RARELY IF EVER MENTION ABOUT MY SON I GAVE UP FOR ADOPTION.IT WAS A HARD DECISION FOR ME TO MAKE BUT I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.MY ONLY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO USE THIS FORUM TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELING BECAUSE I NEVER DID AND TO THIS DAY I KNOW THATS WHY THE MENTION OF HIS NAME BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES.THATS WHY I JOINED SO I COULD TALK TO SOME ONE THAT HAS BEEN WHERE IM AT AND AT THE SAME TIME I DONT WANT ANYONE TO SUFFER AS I HAVE ALL THESE YEARS NOT FROM REGRET JUST FROM NEVER HAVING THE COURAGE TO SPEAK ABOUT MY PAIN.