to be or not to be... a mother

Karolina, Don't give up hope - not yet. I think that your mothering skills are just developing, that is all, and yes, maybe they are being squashed a little by the fact that you really can't do whatever you want to do with and for Baby V..... We've met, and I was impressed by your energy - personally and the energy that you seemed to exude when you talked about V.... It takes an outsider to see that. Don't give up just yet - the right baby - or toddler - is out there and will find you.... I used to hate when people said that to us, but it really, really is true. And when all else fails, you can always pray for guidance.... Have you ever thought about adopting internationally - where, despite timeline changes and ever changing laws - you will end up with a child?? Maybe we can get together again soon - this time with the kiddos. Good luck!

Thanks, megaphonemo. We long ago decided against international (though recently it came up again) bc of the costs and the USCIS headaches. We have both had plenty of experience with USCIS already, and don't care to "work with" them again. Although I would not mind adopting from Bulgaria or Latin America. But the tangible aspects of the process are just too much. Besides, it's not that we don't think we can find a child domestically (if the costs weren't what they are, we'd have several kids by now). It's whether we want to parent period. I know with patience we can eventually adopt from foster care where we live. Right now, that's where we are and that's what we're trying to do. Perhaps I'm just letting my defenses get the better of me, in preparation for when Baby V goes home. If we could adopt her, we would, and that'd be the end of that. But that's not the case. Anyway, still open to any other insights. Are we selfish if we don't want to parent period?

You are not selfish at all if you choose not to adopt a child :) It may take a lot of time to grieve and work though this before you are ready to truely make a decision. Honestly, you sound afraid of what might be and that is normal. It has taken my husband and myself years to grieve the loss of our fertility and our hopes for a family. Our first foster child was a girl that we hoped to adopt but in the end we had our hearts broken. We adopted our son at birth one month after she left and I know that this is what is meant to be. Please allow yourself some time and know that it is alright to be insecure and nervous about parenting and the foster/adopt process in general.

Ok I am going to give you another side to think about...I have been infertile..My DH and I tried to get pregnant for 3 years...he is by all intensive purposes..medically sterile. At the age of 20 years old and DH being 23...we were in many Dr. offices trying to have a child. I felt upset and so out of place being with women far older then me...yet I still could not get pregnant even though I was in great shape. At that age...I couldn't adopt because I was too young and even if we wanted too..we couldn't have afforded it anyways. After being tapped out financially from all the fertility treatments and being depressed, angry and tired...we gave up and then got prayed over at our church...THEN I finally became pregnant On our own with no help...out of the blue. Was I happy? To be honest..No! It's not that I wasn't thrilled to finally have a baby of our own..but I was by this point angry. I was upset I had spent thousands of dollars, was in major debt..but also emotionally by this time..I was so used to being detached from "feeling" that when my oldest DS was born I became very depressed. Of coarse, getting sick with an overactive thyroid and heart issue postpartum didn't help either but from an emotional standpoint...I was a wreck. Looking at my son was like looking at a stranger. I felt detached from him for months...It was hard to FEEL when I had been forced for so long NOT to feel anything. It took me a long time to get my emotions back the way they should have been all along. I was just so used to feeling empty and sad. When my next son came along...first try...I was more excited..but still a bit sad. For you...you sound so much like the me I used to be...I used to think...I don't want to parent a child...because I got so sad and hurt that I couldn't have kids that I no longer cared anymore. But that was the side of me that was trying hard to protect myself from anymore pain. I had been through enough! I was scared to love ANY child! You need to understand with yourself..that if you don't really want to parent...then that is really ok. But to me it sounds like you are trying to protect yourself from more pain. You want your foster child...to adopt..but you are at the mercy of birth parents, the courts, social workers, etc. You don't want to get your hopes up high just to get let down again. I can say that infertility isn't easy because I have been there...I also tried fostering once myself and much as I truly was able to love my Foster son...I found myself once again...sad. I felt again, the same pains as infertility. In my case...I wanted to adopt, yet I allowed myself to foster and found for me...KNOWING he could go back home was too much for me to handle. I remember sitting on this child's bed and holding him and feeling for him. It also was upsetting because I was able to connect to him quickly, within days YET with my biological kids It took me about a year or so. I felt guilt about that too. But in the end...I realize that even though I did eventually and strongly connect to my bio kids that I had to LEARN to be a parent and to gain a maternal instinct. Infertility robs a person of being able to feel anymore...its almost as if the need to stop the emotional pain is so overwhelming that we just become shut down. That does not mean you shouldn't be a parent...it just means you need time to come to grips with all that you have been through...like me! If you give yourself time to grieve and especially to feel again...you will then know truthfully HOW you feel and be able to figure out what you really want. Right now....you down deep know what you really want but may be afraid to admit it for fear it doesn't work out the way you want. So to your question...How do I know if God wants me to be a mother? Hard question, easy answer...if you can feel for another human being unconditional love, and a desire to go through life with another person during the good times and the bad. Parenting is an act of never ending love. Like getting married...the commitment is intended to be forever, as is raising a child. Ask God to show you what he wants for you and above all pray! Even though I do have 2 bio kids, I still am waiting on God to find out if I will have any more kids...adopted or bio. I tried getting pregnant with no success...before I finally got pregnant against all odds...I tried fostering with no success...does that mean I shouldn't adopt...not necessarily. Every pain and disappointment usually at some point ends in triumph and happiness but not after MUCH sadness and struggle. Through it all, it has given me a greater appreciation for the kids I do have and has given me so much experience in more areas of life then I ever thought possible. Just never give up! I do believe God is already speaking to you..you just may not realize it! God Bless!

Thanks for the heartfelt feedback! I am touched. Well, we have had our FD for over 2 months now, and boy have things gotten better! I was forced to take over the night shift when my DH traveled for work (bless his heart, he had been on night duty every night before then), and after turning to a verse in Samuel about God calling him as he slept, I never again got upset when I had to get up in the middle of the night for Baby V. In fact, I treasure the time I do have with her. She's on a solid feeding and sleep schedule, and she's starting to do so many awesome things... My original question - does God want me to be a mother? - now seems silly. If God didn't want me to be a mother, He wouldn't have placed Baby V into my life. For the time being, I AM her mother. And I love every minute of it! But it's a bittersweet existence, knowing that it is temporary. At the same time, it's a hands-on lesson in one of the truths of life - all things of this world must pass on sooner or later. I am reminded of this every day when I look at, hold, feed, change, play with my FD. I have not been able to make peace with it yet. But I am listening to God telling me what the next step is...

It is never easy to give up a child, even when my FS left...I felt immense guilt...but then again....I realized that we as a family just may not be cut out for fostering only. Our original intent was to straight adopt..but after waiting for a good long while...we agreed to try to foster....what we never expected was how hard it would be for our current bio kids who though are easy kids, have issues of their own that make things much harder. So we now are in discussion again on if trying to foster adopt is right or should we move on to International Adoption. Our homestudy is about to expire end of this month...so we will know soon if we will continue on or not. I am glad though that things are working out for you. It does take time to adjust to things and with us, had we kept our FS it may have worked out..but letting him go later knowing it was just temporary would have been too hard on us. And especially the kids too! I hope everything works out for you and that irregardless you find your child....and are able to adopt. God Bless!

Praying for you. No, I don't think it is selfish to 'not' want to parent. There are other ways you can make the world a better place. However, if you really DO want to parent, but lack confidence, then don't give up. Even many birthmothers love their babies at first, but it takes a while to get into a routine. Babies are so demanding, and they can't really do much, or be as playful as older kids. It took me a while to bond with all 3 of my kids. Hang in there. Interntional is def another choice if you are sure you want to be a mom. Oh...and NO mom is perfect. I wonder every day if there are better moms my kids could have. But deep down, I know I am doing a good job. Leisha