Advice on Setting Boundaries

Yikes. In my state DHS (CPS) doesn't supervise visits after the adoption is final, but will until the adoption is final. You might consider consulting with a lawyer to find out how to go about what needs to be done and insure that you are abiding by the court ordered visits, etc. Does your niece have a GAL or a CASA? Can you get some input from them regarding how to protec the child? Sorry I'm not much help. If I were in your shoes I would get a lawyer to help navigate this maze until finalization. Oh, and make sure this is a reputable lawyer who knows about family and adoption law.

I talked to the worker who will be handling the adoption today. She said she will continue supervising the visitations until the adoption is finalized. She also said the phone calls aren't mandatory, but if I do allow them, to continue ending the phone calls when I hear inappropriate things being said. After finalization, as things stand now, I will not continue visits or phone calls. I took on this responsibility with the hopes of keeping our family united when no one else was able too, and instead it has torn it apart. Until they can stop thinking of this as a win/lose situation, grow up, as much is it tears me apart, I have to end contact. My duty isn't to them and what makes them happy and nursing bruised egos. It is my duty to give her a happy, healthy family life and if they choose not to be apart of that because of their childish behavior , that's on them.

While our daughter (niece) was in foster care they suggested we keep contact via letter because biomom was in prison and because they claimed they had a great bond. We thought CPS knew what they were talking about. We adopted A almost 2 yrs ago. Once our daughter moved here with us (We are in FL and she was in foster care in ID) we continued contact for awhile and then letters ceased on biomoms part. We figured she just stopped writing. She claimed her letters started being returned from the PO Box we setup which was not true (I confirmed that with the post office). We had started phone calls twice a year as we didn't want to give too much and have to take it back. Biomom texted me on A's birthday in August and told me "Tell my baby Happy Birthday" and I thought a phone call would be ok but it totally confused A. She felt obligated to her biomom and felt bad calling her "Mommy" and me "Mommy." She didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. Texting continued to the extent I finally realized contact is not beneficial to A and hubby and I decided to cease it altogether as biomom would call herself "Mommy" on the texts when in fact she was not that anymore. Well just last month I wrote biomom a letter. I did it in writing only because I wanted to keep the letter I wrote word for word so it wouldn't bite us in the butt later on. It explained our reasons for ceasing contact and that we were going to now close out our PO Box. It just is healthy for A not to have contact and our therapist also agrees. We did not do this to be mean, we did it to help A move forward. Everytime she would hear biomoms name or get a phone call it would totally cause A to regress. Well I received a nasty text message back from biomon about how I am jealous of their relationship (Yeah right I'm jealous when you allowed this bueatiful child to be hurt!!), how she's going to change her phone number and po box (Ok that helps me cause I don't want any contact anyways), how she knows her daughter will know how to reach her if she needs to (ok and explain that one to me), and how she has a birth certificate with the natural parents names on it (Like that is the legal one, huh?). It was pure nasty. No thank you for protecting A or thank you for taking care of A when I couldn't. She has never shown one ounce of gratitude nor confessed to all her faults in this. It's very sad. When I explained to A (she's now 10) that she will not be hearing from her biomom (therapist suggested I do let her know) anymore because it's not healthy you know what she said? She said "I wish you wouldn't bring her up because everytime you say her name you remind me of someone I've forgotten." WOW! So, sorry it's so long. But do what you feel is best for this child. Don't feel guilty or obligated because they are related. Only you, once you adopt, can determine that. You see day in, day out what contact does or doesn't do. We noticed a great child when we had no contact for 1 1/2 yrs and then a regressed child upon one phone call in August. I would think once the adoption is final you would have complete say in contact either way. We have determined what is healthy for A and what isn't. You as a parent should be able to tell. Go with your gut and don't let anyone tell you what to do and don't put anything in writing! Do not feel guilty. You are there to protect this child. Obviously the bioparents didn't or they would still have custody. It is so hard dealing with a relative adoption! I wouldn't change what we are doing for anything however I would have realized contact wasn't healthy at all and listened to my gut sooner.

Texas, glad you got it straightened out. We've been open to the possibility of contact, but bio mom has not maintained any. We don't have her contact info other than email, so that's the only thing that is open as of now. Dh doesn't put up with any of the tug of war that goes on with the whole, "I love you and miss you and we'll be together again someday" kinds of things that can go on. He was involved in that as a child while he was in foster care. He had supervised visits with his bio mom, but she would come with alcohol on her breath and go into long talks about how she was going to get him to come live with her, yada yada, totally freaked Dh out and he doesn't want that for our child. So...contact has been very limited because the bio parents haven't been able to respect the boundaries - that and they kind of appear/disappear so it's difficult to maintain much of anything.This hasn't always been super-duper popular with extended family but Dh is not swayed by emotional blackmail. I'm glad HE deals with the majority of that kind of thing. Well, I deal with it but I get to say things like, "This is what Dh has decided. If you would like to discuss it with him please do." Oddly enough that's usually where it ends. :rolleyes:Hang in there. The ride can be rough at times but providing stability for our kids is a top priority. :flowergift:

Long ( vented a little) We are offically in the adoption unit of chid protective services :clap: The parents had their court ordered visitation , supervised by a caseworker, (once a month for at least an hour until adoption is finalized) for 2hrs because it was her birthday. The extended members of the family were also allowed to visit the full two hours instead of the one hr they were initiallly given. After I picked her up from the visit, I began receiving ugly texts from one of my siblings about how I am such an evil person for not taking my niece to the grandmothers house so they could see her a few more hrs. CPS doesn't have to give the extended family visitation at all. They did to be nice. I also received an ugly phone call from my stepmom. Nevermind the fact that these are the same people who have threatened, taken me to court, testified against me and harrassed me non stop for the past 6 months. I am not allowed to change my number until the adoption is finalized. My brother and his ex were acting civil so I decided to give them a test because I wanted to get a taste of how visitations would go after cps is no longer supervising. I told them they could meet me at a restaurant for lunch with my niece and I. They behaved . Things went so well I offered to let them see her before we left town the next day. When we pulled up to the meeting place, my brother was yelling at his ex, calling her all kinds of b****** and whores. She was yelling at him, saying he stole her money out of her purse and he bought drugs with it. He appeared to be under the influence of something. I drove off. My niece was in the car listening to her favoirite kids cd so she didn't hear them, thank goodness. I have decided they will have P.O. Box contact only. I'm one of those hippie save the world, try to see the best in everyone type of people. I'm done. How many chances could I give them. They have lost their daughter and been incarcerated several times in the past year and still haven't changed, yet they want to blame me for "keeping their daughter away" from them. My other paternal relatives have harassed me, called me names, testified against me in court , brought false allegations against me and yet they say I'm the selfish one who isn't thinking about her best interest because I refuse to let them have her and expose her to that toxic situation. If it was in her best interest to be with my paternal relatives, that's where CPS would have put her in the beginning and that's where the judge would have put her when they took me to court with false allegations. They think of her as property. They think of this as a competition. I really hate that I have to cut out both her maternal and paternal relatives, but it is something that has to be done. My maternal family and friends have welcomed her with open arms and she's surrounded by unconditional love.

You are doing everything right. I know how you feel. It's sad that these so called parents can't realize what they are doing to these innocent children. I think they like to move the blame to us instead. Hang in there! Once the adoption goes thru you can make all those decisions. I have had to cut contact with some relatives for the same reasons. My daughter deserves to live without fear and to feel safe. Yes I feel bad they cant realize they are losing out of being in her life but that is their choices. I will protect my daughter from any future harm even if that is a relative of mine or her.

We have also encountered the whole "it's not our fault" thing; it's ALWAYS, always, always someone else's fault. Always. If they can't find a logical person to blame, then whomever is handy will work as a fill in. Sadly they seem to have elected you as the scape goat. Keep your feathers oiled so this can continue to roll off your back. Continue to concentrate on making your home stable and nurturing for your Dd. :flower: