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How do you deal with the "ugly" feelings in your child's adoption?
I certainly don't act on the ugly feelings that I have, but I still have them. Not acting on them doesn't make them dissapear.
For instance, when Dee hurts me or my feelings, I know that there's little I can do but sit back and take it. Yes, I can say something to her, and I have, but it doesn't seem to change anything yet.
So I develop these ugly feelings that I just don't know how to process/deal with.
Does anyone else have this experience?
What have you found works?
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TG,
Everyone knows when I'm feeling ugly about my adoption stuff because I get a cut in my little finger on my left hand from tatting so much. The thread cuts into my finger.
Anyway, I can't count the amount of ugly feelings I have, but you know that. I try REALLY hard to focus on the good stuff and the people that truly know and love me rather than worrying about her.
I know that is NO help, but I could teach you to tat :P
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There's someone I care very deeply about who sometimes says things that are very hurtful to me. It seems to happen randomly to me, and if I say something back and confront what I feel is an unjustified "attack" on me, it just escalates. Yet if I say nothing, it's as if I think it's ok to have those things said about me. So, what to do. Recently I came to understand that the ugly words were really not so random, but actually when this person felt I was acting like I had too much authority and they had too little. The ugly words were aimed at undermining my authority. It's a dysfunctional way of dealing with perceived wrongs, but I found it's actually a common way of dealing with authority issues in an emotionally traumatized person. Once I had this "lightbulb" moment, it was so much easier to understand and choose a better way to difuse the situation. Maybe this helps you.
I just try to sit with it and process it somehow until those feelings pass. Or balance it out with whatever good thoughts I can conjure up at the time. Sometimes I try to do a "reality check" and see if I'm being unreasonable or unrealistic about certain issues. Sometimes I just have to "accept the things I cannot change" (the whole Serenity Prayer can come in handy here). Sometimes journaling helps, and other times, just knowing that having ugly feelings is part of life and it's not always going to be easy or happy helps to diffuse some of it. Taking a long, brisk walk or doing other physical exercise can sometimes help, too. If it 's really bad, I'll schedule a therapy appointment.
lahdh4
You know me hon. I vent. I have to get it out because I am afraid of what I will say if I don't. I call E, I call you, I call another dear friend.
I pull out the music and turn up the volume. I go to the beach and walk. I scream when ever I get the chance.
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susie_book
I almost feel like I shouldn't reply...because my answer is that I think to myself, "If I say anything or make a fuss about this, I could start down the road that ends with me never seeing the kid again." So I try to just let it go. [shrugs] Of course, I'm hoping to start therapy soon, so maybe that will provide an outlet. Blogging helps me too, but doesn't Dee read your blog? I don't envy you that. =/
loveajax
You "could" watch the Indianapolis/Patriots replay...I know THAT has to make you feel better! (I've been waiting for you to gloat!). (sorry, I know this is a serious subject...I don't have good advice because I always try to "suppress" ugly feelings, and that's not healthy!).
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It's ugly out there for him......but I'm a little frustrated.....because YES, that call basically helped clinch the win for us. BUT, it's not like we didn't still mount a pretty remarkable comeback being down 17 in the 4th! Yes, blast Bill B all you want (I can't stand him!) but still give us some credit, you know?
(Oh, and thank you for this distraction!)
I'm having a MAJOR case of the uglies...More like the pi**ed off-ies.
ALL efforts go unnoticed. NOTHING I've done past or present changes anything. It's up to them now. I've had it.
In two weeks, my kiddie is having a birthday...he's hoping for a call. I pray to GOD they don't break his heart again this year...Well, M called last year, and for that we were truly grateful.
Sometimes I have to FIGHT so hard against the uglies because I fear they will take permanent residence in my mind...and I don't want to hold onto this anger I have.
Thanks, TG. :grouphug:
I think what makes it so hard is that every time I think I've got a handle on it, every time I feel like I've found that "perfect" way to keep this moving forward, it goes to pot. Kinda like "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."
I'm finding myself moving to a very angry place, and I don't like it. I'm not asking for much. I'm not asking for anyone to put their life on hold...or to put us first...or to bend over backwards.
I'm asking for a call/note/letter/2 line email to this sweet little guy ONCE a in a great while (and I'm not even talking birthday...I'm talking ANY day) without me having to drag it out of them.
The funny thing is, that at this point, I'M not even the one asking any more. AJ is...and that's what hurts so darn bad.
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I blog or I vent to you, LOL!!!! Either way I have to get it out, or it festers and then becomes ugly for me. A few years ago I hit a significant bump in the road with my DD's mom, and I blogged about it. I let it all hang out, the good the bad and the ugly and it helped me. Of course, you got some nasty people who labeled me a trainwreck because of it, but guess what? Life isn't pretty, and it helped give me a place to leave my bad baggage so that I didn't knock DD's mom over the head with it. Love: I'm sorry that you are having to deal with that right now!!! I understand how you feel too!!
Lovemy - it's the anger that gets me too....I don't want to have anger towards my kids Mom, you know? I don't want any of that to EVER seep over to a place where Cupcake sees it (and I know I won't let that happen - but that doesn't make it "easy" you know?)
I suppose the consolation for me is that Cupcake IS being taken care of and loved by her Mom and that I believe if SHE were asking for me her Mom would listen to that.....again, doesn't make the rest of it easy, but it's something I suppose....