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We just brought home our 3 year old son last week. As we got through our day, he feels like he has always been here. There has never been any moments when I wonder, but I do in the back of my mind wonder if he hates us. Today he cried for 15 minutes when dad left for work and another 5 when brother went to school.
So, here is my question, what does healthy attachment look and feel like?
ThaNkS
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For me it was when the kids had the confidence and knowledge that I would be there no matter what. Anxious attachment was there for us too when the kids first came home. Not knowing if dad was coming home from work, if I was truly coming out of the bathroom, things like that.It was also evident when they actually misbehaved, I could get irritated at them and they didn't immediately freak out thinking they were BAD or I would send them away because they misbehaved. For awhile, we didn't have any misbehavior on my oldest son's part because he was afraid he'd be sent away if he did anything wrong. Very clingy, anxious for a long time til he felt more secure.I think it's great that you have the feeling of "he's just always been here", because that is a healthy start,imo. I think as long as you are aware that there can be honeymoon periods, testing periods later, anxiety etc. and you are working on those things, then you'll know a bit better when you are both bonded to each other.
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I adopted my son at age 2 and when I would drop him off at grams he would cry for me and also when dad would drop him off.
I thinks its out of fear you won't come back. My son is now almost 14 and it has been like he was ours at birth. We get many complements on what a great kid he is and when tell people that don't know that he is adopted they don't believe us.
Also when I would pt him to bed at night I would sit there and rub his back and that really helped with bonding. (was recommended to me by another adoptive parent)
So my answer to you is no he doesn't hate you and your bond will grow better every day.
We are in the process of adopting sibs a boy and a girl. The girl is 8 and seems at time to be emotionally distant. She is IMO superficial in all of her attachments, She is over eager for approval and will even set up her brother so she will look like the "good" kid. She lies and never seems to be bothered by discipline. She looks for affection when she sees little brother getting some, but seems mostly interested in taking focus off him.
The boy age 6 was the "bad" kid in their former placements and is pleased that he is getting a family for life. He is a handful but is also more loving, caring and compassionate then sis. He seems remorseful when he does wrong and his behavior has improved since moving in. In the last placement FP made him the scapegoat for everything. We noticed Sis's button pushing and got it under some control and "poof" his behavior improved.
I guess My question is how do we bond with both of these children... We love them both but I am wondering if both don't have issues. He is so eager to have a family... She is keeping her distance...
Anyone got a magic wand??
No wand...dang!;)Something to consider...You might try to foster their relationship with each other. They very likely don't really know how to be loving towards each other or how to really act with one another. I had the very issues you described with the button pushing, competition for attention and everything else etc., and they really just didn't know how to relate to each other.Try some "team building" games with them, give them small things to do for each other, talk about what brothers and sisters do together, read some books about siblings etc.In effort to bond with each kid, I tried to set aside activities or time where I spent time with just one child. One thing that grew and is still treasured today is taking turns cooking. It started out with them each taking turns helping me in the kitchen and being my little "sous chef" and setting the table as well.When they first came, I'd take turns between rooms to read the bedtime story so they each got a night to choose the book and be in their own room.Grocery store helper, drawing, games, singing, etc. All things I tried to pick alone times. Anyone who interrupted ADDED minutes to the person's time they were interrupting. I started out taking minutes away from their turn, but my dd (sounds very much like yours) would just keep doing it because she just wanted to make sure she was the focus of attention at all times. And time...takes time time time. :)
Thanks, I was feeling like I was the only one. I realize we need to work both on family and individual relationships. Our home is the only home in the last three years that they were the only children and i am sure it changed their relationship as well. We take one day at a time and pray that the next will a good day. We have a lot of good days to be thankful for and I hope when the big hairy pueberty monster comes around we have built a relationship that will help us all through...
Thanks again.
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crick
No wand...dang!;)
Something to consider...
You might try to foster their relationship with each other. They very likely don't really know how to be loving towards each other or how to really act with one another. I had the very issues you described with the button pushing, competition for attention and everything else etc., and they really just didn't know how to relate to each other.
Try some "team building" games with them, give them small things to do for each other, talk about what brothers and sisters do together, read some books about siblings etc.
In effort to bond with each kid, I tried to set aside activities or time where I spent time with just one child. One thing that grew and is still treasured today is taking turns cooking. It started out with them each taking turns helping me in the kitchen and being my little "sous chef" and setting the table as well.
When they first came, I'd take turns between rooms to read the bedtime story so they each got a night to choose the book and be in their own room.
Grocery store helper, drawing, games, singing, etc. All things I tried to pick alone times. Anyone who interrupted ADDED minutes to the person's time they were interrupting. I started out taking minutes away from their turn, but my dd (sounds very much like yours) would just keep doing it because she just wanted to make sure she was the focus of attention at all times.
And time...takes time time time. :)