My open adoption fantasy bubble may be bursting

She'll be back one day, so brace for it. This thing she has thrown her life away for probabl;y will not last. When she comes to herself, she will be back. You need to plan what you are going to do when she does come back!

c.a., if i remember correctly, your son's bmom is developmentally disabled? I think that must complicate your OA because maybe she makes choices that don't "make sense." I had a friend here on a.com that I have kept in touch with (she no longer really posts here, but is great). She had a wonderful OA with her son's bmom (also developmentally disabled) but then the bmom had another kid, was "neglecting" that kid, etc. It just made it so hard. I don't think it's a bad idea to just wait for her to reach out to you and evaluate then. My hubby is very good for reminding me that we are only responsible for our own actions, you know? I know it's hard to have things going along well and then get thrown for a loop. Hang in there. And do you have a good relationship with her husband anyway? Maybe you could continue visits betwee the boys, etc., if that makes sense for you.

You are right, ajax, she is developmentally disabled. I am concerned for her right now. She is very vulnerable. Who could this man be who would drive up from another state to live in his van wwith a woman he met over the internet????? It took her so long (about two years) to get out of shelters and into stable housing. It is a huge set back for her to have made herself homeless again. I am also grateful that her husband is continuing to care for N. If she had left with N, I would have called the hotline myself. We are talking about whether to continue visits between the boys - I worry about N too. Part of me wants to reach out and try to help her, another part wants to just let it be. I have always thought that she needed a family to adopt her, but that isn't the way it works for adults. I think the hard part is thinking about how this will affect my son. I want him to have a birth mom who is healthy and can visit and be relatively stable. I am bracing myself for this being a difficult issue for him as he gets older and understands his bmom's history. Thanks for the support.

I wanted to offer a hug for you during these difficult decisions you're making!:grouphug:

Just wanted to add that I am sorry you are facing this. Your situation really points out the dilemmas we go through as adoptive parents from foster care. It is so valuable for the kids to know where they come from, where their parents are, continue relationships if possible in healthy ways,etc., but at what point does the bad outweigh the good? And darn it that there is no way to predict what will happen in the future!

I did talk with his bmom on Sunday night. She talked like things were just fine. But she is vulnerable, and homeless. The good news is that she still wants to visit and her mom wants to meet our son as well. We will try to set something up in January. I'm not sure that I want the new boyfriend to tag along, but she is so cognitively limited that she certainly couldn't get to a visit without help. I think that we are going to continue to visit with my son's 1/2 brother, through her husband. For now, I remain committed to maintaining contact with C and with her other son. This is just one of those "ride the wave" situations. Totally out of my control. One good thing that came out of this is that C gave me her parents' address and phone number so I have a little more contact information than I did before. I worry that she will just disappear and be unsearchable so the more information I have about her family the better. Thanks for your support.

Hey CA how does this open adoption thing work? For example, if you adopt a foster child is it mandatory that the adoption be open? Also, what if the parents habits etc., are dangerous or unhealthy for the child? Are you than allowed to discontinue the Open Adoption?

Horselover: Sorry for the delay in answering your question. I didn't see your post before today. First, many adoptions from foster care are closed. And openness in foster/adopt can come in many forms. It can be as limited as aparents send one letter and one picture per year to bparents. It can include visits. The most common scenario in Massachusetts is 1-2 update letters and visits, if any, are one or two per year. The number of visits is rarely more than 2 per year and you would see that more often with older kids. There are also almost always clauses in the agreement that allow the aparents to close the adoption if the bparent demonstrates unsafe behavior. There are also clauses that allow closure if the bparents don't follow through with any provisions which apply to them, for example if the bparents are supposed to write one month in advance to request a visit, a failure to request two visits in a row means they have no future right to visits. Due to these clauses, many of the foster/adopt cases that start open later close. Most importantly, once the adoption is final, it cannot be challenged. Even if the aparents violate the open adoption agreement, the bparents can sue for enforcement of the specific terms of the agreement (their one visit per year), but nothing more. So long as safety issues are not a concern, there is little risk to the adoptive parents to consider an open adoption. Good luck in your journey. The answer will somewhat depend on your state. Here in Massachusetts, open adoption contracts are enforceable. Some states they are not.

[FONT="Arial Narrow"]We talked about adoption lastnight..

Do you think having an open adoption helped you?

The CW & lawyer both said it pretty much helps the bio's to "not fight so hard" if they know they will still have that connection to the child.

We are going to be a foster-adoption family and I would be fine with open a child should know where they came from. As long as my child would be safe and 1 visit a year and 2 letters isn't much. [/FONT]

In reading photolistings, I've seen notations where you can see it will be a type of open adoption. Many note a relative (siblings, half sibs, aunts, grandparents) that you will need to maintain contact with, some mention number of visits, etc. I think they vary greatly on the child's situation. When Dh and I started talking about adopting from foster care, that's one thing we did talk about, how in some situations you might be adopting a "family" in a way, instead of just the child or children. Depending on the circumstances, we are open to this ourselves, especially since we have no family near by, so the kid(s) wouldn't be getting a family filled with grandparents and aunt and uncles and cousins (due to where our families moved to, we rarely see them). I think it's definately something to discuss. Especially if you are looking out of state or even out of county, how visits would be coordinated and the travel involved.

I feel your pain. We are in the adoption process now and bmom is counting on the fact that we will allow her the visits that the court currently prohibits. We've been very clear to her that unless her mental health issues are under control and she stops abusing drugs she will not see these kids. Just got word that she has relapsed for the third time. It's just so frustrating when you want the people your kids come from to be healthy and someone to be proud of and they just can't keep it together. I feel sorry for her and for your bmom, but I feel more sorry for our kids. I am insanely jealous of those families that have wonderful open adoptions where everyone is best friends. Sounds like a Disney movie to me.

Om, I don't think there are many "disney" open adoptions. For one thing I agree with all you said about wanting the bp's to do better, etc., But realistically, it very seldom happens. I figure if it would happen, it would most likely have happened before the TPR. Consider; wouldn't you rather "straighten up" while you still have a chance to get your kids back? Once they are tpr'd and the 30 day appeal is over, you pretty much can figure on not getting them back. So they wanted the drugs more in the first place. Its a shame really.

It really is a shame. I can't imagine having much to live for once your children have been taken away. I know of two couples that are very close with their bmoms and it's wonderful for everyone but they are much healthier women than our bmom. We will just never be very close.

I can not speak about the open adoption with bm but I wanted to comment on the sibling. Our ad has 4 siblings adopted by three other families. We (the adoptive parents) have an open adoption. Our kids spend time together on a regular basis. As the kids get older it just reinforces that we made the right decission by allow the contact between the kids. They have a blast together - they love each other. And they are so much a like in many ways. This saturday we will all be together for a birthday party for one of the kids. To let you know the three youngest have been with their adoptive parents either from birth or since they were 6 months old. The kids are now 13,11,9,7 and 6. The contact did not seem so important as they were younger but the older the kids get it just proves we did the right thing. Good luck in your decission.