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You know, I think I've got a handle on things and then suddenly here I am "remembering" things from the "old days" while I was preg and during other times in my youth.
I've woke up with songs in my head from the fosterhome/unwed mother's home and I just start crying.
Then I have been hearing songs that were played when I was 9 years old and in protective custody from my dad and in the state care facility for almost 2 weeks.
One song was, "Buy me a ticket for an airoplane" and "500 miles away from home". Those two songs were played on the radio or tape player or whatever it was that these girls were playing.
I remember wanting to go home so bad and get out of that place and worrying about my mom and those songs just hit how I felt at the time. And instead of being protected I was beaten up by the girls in there who were in that place for being delinquints or something. They were much older than I was and they were always trying to forse me to be doing things I didn't want to do.
I was a prisoner while my dad who had beatten me so bad I had bloody brusies and welts from under my shoulder blade to the middle of my calves, was free! He never had to pay for what he did. (Maybe God has got hold of him and punishing him now. He's been dead now for 8 years).
I wanted to go home because I needed to "protect" my mom. Or so my mind was at the time. I've always protected my mom the best I could and I've always done what I had to to survive.
But these days my "youth" and the songs that played during those times have been going through my head and I've started not being able to sleep or do anything. I am just crying all the time and being depressed.
Others think it's the holidays and being depressed over that but I like the holidays and I like the things we get to do and things we get to enjoy. So I really don't think it has anything to do with that but I sure wish I knew why I'm thinking about all this right now and not being able to cope with it.
My daughter is still ignoring me. Which I'm so used to I'm not really being bothered by it as much as I was. It does bother me but not to the degree it used to. I just don't care right now how she's treating me or what she's doing. I love her and always will but it is what it is. Nothing I can do about it and I have to deal with that fact. So I'm doing my best.
Anyway... I just wish I did know what was going on these days that is bringing all this up.
Rylee
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You know, I read somewhere that the brain eventually pushes to the forefront things that we have yet to deal with in order to force us to deal with them. Maybe you haven't fully "dealt" with everything you've gone through (which sounds like an awful lot and I wish you never had to have gone through that) and now your brain is pushing this to the forefront in the form of the songs.
I'm obviously just guessing here and I have no real advice. Just thought I'd give you one perspective.
I hope you can figure all of this out and get your brain sorted. It sucks to be brought down like that around the holidays (especially if you like the holidays and all of the activities). Anyway, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you can get some sleep and some peace =D
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You could be right. I know I haven't dealt properly with my past and issues of abuse (every kind imaginable) or losing my daughter the way I did. I have tried to let it all go and do what people say, "Let got let God" but it's hard to do that and I just sometimes don't think God is going to do anything but I don't know. He's got a bazillion other people to help too and I guess I just have to wait in line. :(
Rylee
I hear ya on the "God helping" thing. My parents would always tell me when I was younger that God doesn't always help in obvious ways. For example, God doesn't necessarily set out a huge feast for someone who is hungry and can't afford to eat. Instead, what he *might* do, is help the person uncover some hidden talent that leads to the person getting a job, making money, and being financially stable enough to have that feast.
I obviously can't know how God is helping you, but I would wager that it's not in an obvious way. It's most likely in a behind the scenes way that you may not notice until you look back to this point from somewhere in the future.
In the meantime, if talking about what's bothering you helps you feel even remotely better, spill your guts girl (lol). We're all here to listen to you and support you in your journey to find peace.
((hugs))