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Hi. I recently adopted my son after being his foster mother for 2 years. He was placed with me at 8 mos and is now turning 3 next month. Tpr was decided after 21 mos of failed reunification. His birth mother didn't make enough effort to satisfy the courts/sw's, etc. During one 6 month period she only visited with him 3 times. His birth father has been out of the picture since the very beginning...his own choice.
The bm has had my cell phone number the entire time I have had him and only called me once in the very beginning to check on a visit time. I called her twice in the beginning to encourage her to call me and ask questions about him but she never did. Even after tpr she asked the sw for a visit (he was the sw for her new baby and was seeing her for that) and he told her to call me and ask me becaue it was no longer up to him. She never did. In the end, although she came to every court hearing and shed a few tears at the tpr hearing, overall it was like he wasn't that important to her.
I am in CA. There was never request for any openness in the adoption. I am not sure if she was supposed to ask or if it was supposed to be offered to her so I have no idea why. No one asked me for anything.
Throughout the entire process I was alternately confused, frustrated and sorry for her. Right now I am still confused as to why she didn't work harder to get him back but I still also feel sorry for her. If I had a child taken from me, I would wonder about him for the rest of my life. My son's sw gave me her address (because I asked) and I was considering writing a letter telling her how he was doing, giving her a picture of him and offering communication via mail and a P.O. Box. My only goal is for my son to have some information about his birth family when he is an adult. I also do not want visitation or to have him obtain any of this information before that time. I am very firm on the age. In my gut I feel that having him involved with the birth family before that point just seems like a bad idea.
I am confused and hesitant about what to do because I have had family and friends say things like:
-What if you communicate with her all that time and your son is angry at you because you have had her contact information the entire time but didn't offer it to him before he was 18?
-What if sending her information and pictures just makes her feel bad?
-She didn't ask for any communication so what if she doesn't want any and just wants to move on?
So, now I am thinking I should just leave things alone and just give him the address that I have and a copy of his original birth certificate when he turns 18. The bm doesn't seem to want to be involved and I am very confused.
Has anyone been in this situation? WWYD? What do you think? If she wanted any openness, wouldn't she have asked?
Thanks to anyone who read all of this! :)
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My DD came to us through foster care when she was 18 months old. We have a semi-open adoption now with bioMom and Grandma. We send letters and pics from a pO Box and visit 4 times a year, which is what we agreed to when Mom signed her over to us.
In your case, it is not necessary to have a face to face visit at this time. Do the PO Box. Send a letter asking if she would like updates. That's all you need to do now. Adoption is a long road. If bioMom responds and wants to continue the letters, great. Maybe in the future, you will be in a position to have a face to face meeting.
I like Withay's way of looking at it too. Over the years she is sharing her son with his bioMom only a few hours a year.I'm doing the same. My DD's bio is not a threat to her or us, so we can have that visit. In your case, the visit may never come and you have to make that decision based on the current info. What if several years down the road, she were a different person and able to make good decisions.
It won't do your child any harm knowing his BioMom is out there and that she loves him. He needs to know now that he is not the reason she doesn't have him anymore. She made bad choices, not him. She isn't able to care for him regardless of the details. Don't try to hide her from him in an effort to protect him.( not saying you are doing this) He should know about her and be able to understand on his level. That doesn't mean he needs to see her.
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I second everything Withay said... and I had the exact same thought process. In the next 15 years my daughter will see her mom for 60 hours. That's less than 3 days! Sad, but puts things in prospective.My son's parents also did not request openness. They feel very badly for what has happened to their bioson and did not think they had the "right" to ask. But, they are very, very thankful for cards and letters. We don't believe visitation is appropriate for him at this time.
I actually have no problem with written communication and having him know and learn about her and his bio family and having her know and learn about how things are going for him. Maybe you all misunderstood. I just want to clear this up. My gut feeling is that visitation is not appropriate for my child at this time. It has nothing to do with how much time I can let the bio family have with him vs the amount of time I get with him. It has to do with 1) the bio mom's stability and trustworthiness, 2) the fact that there is no bond between them and because she was not actually caring for him up until the time he was detained, there probably never was, 3) visitation would be for her right now and not really for him as he is too young to really "want to know her" and 4) in the past visitations were stressful for him. He had a good time but I think they were confusing for him because he was always out of sorts and acted out for the rest of the day. I did find out after tpr that the bio mom and her family would pressure him into calling her mama during the visits. He would refuse to at first but eventually give in. The visits were so sporadic that I really don't think this was fair to him because to him she was not mama. There is no reason for him to go through that confusion right now. He is doing well and we are getting settled into our new family. I want to keep things the way they are. Maybe in the future if our communication goes well, I can revisit this idea especially if I feel that he would benefit from it. However, for the reasons mentioned above, right now I am not going to offer that.
I keep feeling like others think I am doing something wrong by not offering visitation. I do not think so though. I just want to do what is overall the best thing to do for my child.
We have had to deal with 3 dads and one mom in our latest adoption of a sibling group of 4. They are foster/adopt after reunification failed. Our children's bparents have gang ties, actually been shot, and one is in prison for att. murder. Yet, we still TRIED semi openess. We recently began to realize that it takes more than just our sincere desire to keep in contact. The visits have been neg, comments inappropriate etc. We have finally fallen back on a method that has worked for us since our first adoption 22 yrs ago. We send a semi-annual newsletter and pictures via a PObox.
We encourage cards and letters to be sent to the children. We save these and put them into the kid's life books. When they are older, we give them the books!
So far, this has been the best of both worlds for our kids! Safety and contact :)
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There is another possible solution to your dilemma. Here in California, many of the county social-service departments offer post-adoption services, including acting as an third-party intermediary for communications between adoptive and birth parents. The services are free if you adopted thru the county, and the post-adoptions caseworker will act in a confidential manner. They basically forward on letters and pictures, making sure that personal addresses are not relayed to the other party. They're also very helpful in keeping tabs on updated medical histories. You might want to see if they're available in your area.
RavenSong
There is another possible solution to your dilemma. Here in California, many of the county social-service departments offer post-adoption services, including acting as an third-party intermediary for communications between adoptive and birth parents. The services are free if you adopted thru the county, and the post-adoptions caseworker will act in a confidential manner. They basically forward on letters and pictures, making sure that personal addresses are not relayed to the other party. They're also very helpful in keeping tabs on updated medical histories. You might want to see if they're available in your area.
I adopted through foster care and also wondered many of the same things. In fact, I had a meeting today with my daughter's firstmom's father to trade pictures. She called him and he told me it was her calling. I could hear her and he told her he was with me. She just said OK, she would call later. Then she asked about wrapping paper. It made me sad. I know she has to think about her. I am not able to have ties to her because of her unsafe behavior but I do keep contact with her father. We trade pictures and I have access to medical and family history. I would say that any contact, even mail or phone, will be something you may wish you had later in life. Medical family history is changing, not set for a one time record. I realized when my daughter was taken to emergency surgery how little I actually knew. I know this doesn't even touch on the emotional issues of having contact. I know it is hard when there has been abuse/neglect.
My only input (and one I am struggling with in a very similar situation as yours) is that YOU cant care more about her relationship and contact with your son than she does. Its hard -- I know how "I" would feel in that situation, but in foster care situations it is often completely different.
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Jensboys
My only input (and one I am struggling with in a very similar situation as yours) is that YOU cant care more about her relationship and contact with your son than she does. Its hard -- I know how "I" would feel in that situation, but in foster care situations it is often completely different.
No what it means is that its a tough spot to be in as the adoptive parent when YOU care more than she does about HER contact with the child. Trying to "unvest" myself from feeling responsible or making MORE effort than my kids biological parents to maintain THEIR relationship. Does that make sense now?
I feel guilt if I dont turn our family inside out to accomodate a visit request when there has been no other contact in months, when I realize that its not place to feel responsible. I can only be willing and available but I cant be MORE emotionally invested in their relationship than she is.
Jensboys
No what it means is that its a tough spot to be in as the adoptive parent when YOU care more than she does about HER contact with the child. Trying to "unvest" myself from feeling responsible or making MORE effort than my kids biological parents to maintain THEIR relationship. Does that make sense now?
I feel guilt if I dont turn our family inside out to accomodate a visit request when there has been no other contact in months, when I realize that its not place to feel responsible. I can only be willing and available but I cant be MORE emotionally invested in their relationship than she is.
Jen, I love that reply. I too think that this scenario is all to common for adoptive parents. We want so much for our kids to have everything they need and bio family contact can be part of that. We can't understand how they(bio's) don't want it as much as we do and we're willing to go to great lengths to get what we think they need/want.
I liken it to a divorce situation. My BIL would call and say he was coming to see his son and then not show up or show up hours afterward. It was terrible for my nephew, who of course, thought he was the reason the Dad didn't come. Finally I got my sister to think about it this way: she was more upset about his lack of involvement that the son was. It drove her insane that he couldn't even make a visit or take his son out once a month. She finally didn't tell her son when Dad was coming so if he showed up, it was a great surprise and if he didn't, the son wasn't hurt by it.
It's the pain caused to us by their lack of commitment that brings the most harm.
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You know I struggled for years trying to "force" our adoption to be more open with my kids first family. Finally I realized (particularly as they get older) I am responsible for my own feelings and thoughts and actions, but I cannot take responsibility for theirs.
Now, with fostering, I honestly thought (how proud and naive of me) that if I did things "right" I could make mom into a good mom and dad into a good dad and I could make them want to actively parent their kids. I realize now that I am wrong. I cared more than they did about them regaining custody of their kids ... and I cannot do their work for them = what is MY job is to love on those babies as much as I can and be the best mom I can be to them. Their parents are responsible for the consequences (good and bad) that they earn. I do "my part" by providng a thousand pictures or supervising visits, and talking positively to the girls about their first parents, but I cannot force contact when there is none and I wont lie to the kids.
I totally agree with advice already posted here.
I don't think that it is wrong to hold off on visits.
I do think that Withay and CaddoRose were just offering the perspective that sometimes visits can work even after foster care. Only you can know if it can be done in a healthy and safe way. If you want to give it a try someday, maybe use a supervised visitation center.
We also have an open adoption after foster care. We have two visits per year.
I also want to add that sometimes the birth parents are willing and want to have a relationship with their kids, but they just don't have the skills. Our son's bmom is supposed to write to us and request the visit. But I realized early on that she just is not capable of following through. She was head injured as a child and has significant cognitive delays. So I write and remind her, and then follow up with a phone call. I totally agree with Jen that I can't be more invested than she is, but I do make allowances for her cognitive delays. We are slowly developing a relationship that works for us.
These are hard decisions and there are very specific factors which are unique to each situation. It sounds like you are trying to figure it out just like the rest of us - and that is the best thing for your son. You understand that issues of contact are important for many reasons and you struggle to do it right.
Good Job and Good luck.