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Hi Everyone,
I am new to this forum and need some advice on how to handle an issue. My son was recently adopted internationally about 8 months ago and he is just over 2 years old. He is really beginning to bond to me (primarily) and somewhat to my husband. However, he displays inappropriate friendliness to male strangers when we are out and about (or even in the home). As a matter of fact, when male friends or family come over he will completely ignore my husband and it usually takes a few days for him to warm up to him again. We started to read up on this topic and based on what I read we have started to ask friends to avoid picking him up and holding him constantly when they are in the house. Unfortunately not all of them listen and I get very frustrated and resentful. I feel like a real jerk telling people to avoid picking up my son. When we are in the store, I have to ask men to please not pick him up even though he is reaching out for them to do so. I just tell him that they are strangers and he can't do that (he doesn't quite understand this yet but I figure if I just keep saying it then maybe he eventually will get it). I have expressed concern to my family and told them that when new family members meet him (such as cousins and other distant relatives) that I do not want them picking him up right away because they are strangers to him. My family doesn't understand and they just say "he is a little boy and people should be able to pick him up". I told them some strange man picked him up in the store the other day and my son just loved all over him and they didn't seemed at all phased by it - they just say, well he is "friendly". I feel like I get no support and that the problem continues to get worse. We spent the holidays alone because I am just avoiding everyone now and I'm sure some of our friends and family think I am crazy.
Can anyone offer any other advice on what to do (or not to do) in this situation. Should I tell everyone that they can't even pick him up to even say "hi"? Does anyone have any good articles that I can send to my family so they can understand better?
On a side note, he is becoming very attached to me and is very affectionate and loving. He is getting better with my husband since we have spent so much time together over the holidays. He is an amazing kid - I just really want to get rid of the "stranger danger". Any thoughts would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks!
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Can you wear him in a backpack or sling (some will hold toddlers) while in stores and when people are over? Or have your husband do it? I'd also limit his time with strangers but coccooning at home as much as possible, having your husband keep him while you go to the store, just for a while, until you feel that he has bonded.
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You are doing the right thing. Even if your family and friends don't 'get' it. :)
I would agree that wearing him would be good not only for his attachment to you, but also in discouraging others from picking him up. Wear him when family is around too. And stand firm that you and DH are the only ones to pick him up, hold him, feed him, etc.
You might take a look at the book Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft . Also, try Googling attachment parenting adoption. Lots of articles, etc. out there about attaching in adoption and some may be things you can use to educate friends and family
Good luck!