Anyone else find open adoption streesful?

Can you "limit" the number of visits?? I say this because this won't be helpful for the child. a bio mom screaming anything isn't helpful to anyone.

the contract stipulates 6 visits but she has not met those 6. It states 6 visits or updates and pictures, ideally every other month. I have been mailing pics since July as that is the only time she has seen her for 2009. Its just the phone calls and vm that is stressful. When we saw her in July for the b-day party she showed up fine, 45 minutes late and 4 uninvited guest. (adults)

That makes me so sad...in my opinion open adoption is most beneficial for the child if everyone respects each others roles in the child's life. And it sounds like bmom is disrespectful of your role as your child's parents. I don't think I would be able to handle that well at all. We have an open adoption and fortunately we seem to have a high level of mutual respect on both sides and only wish we could have more visits with ds's bmom (she moved so the visits are far and few between now). We too have a legally enforceable open adoption agreement, however ours can be changed if you can demonstrate that it is not in the best interest of the child to continue it. Is there no similar clause in yours? If there is you could stipulate that bmom needs to seek counseling for it to continue (it sounds like she really does need some counseling)...or something along those lines.

I would speak to the attorney about modifying the open adoption agreement. I'm very thankful that our open adoption has been wonderful. We all respect each others roles in S's life. I hope that things get better!

In some states open adoption agreements are not legally binding or recognize. You can check with your attorney to see if it is in yours if you are not sure. If it's not, then I would stop visitation telling her that you will only resume if she changes her attitude (maybe use different wording so she doesn't "go off"). I would also change my phone number or not answer her phone calls and tell her you will only talk to her if she's being respectful. This is, again, if you can do this legally. I am sorry you are going through this. :( This is the nightmare type of situation that all adoptive parents fear could happen. I hope over time she matures and realizes what she is doing and how damaging this will be for your daughter if she keeps this up. Hang in there and keep us posted. (((Hugs)))

It sounds like the bmom needs some counseling. An open adoption can only work if all the parties involve have respect for one another and do what is best for the child involved. I would review the contact order or even contact your lwayer/agency to see what can be done. Open adoption can be a beautiful thing but everyone has to be willing to work on the relationship and have respect for everyone's role in the childs life. I wish you much luck!

I have offered her counseling (July) but she would not take it

First thing to do is find out if the OA is enforcable in your state. I signed an OA, but it's not legally enforcable in my state. I can amend the terms as I see fit to protect my child. Next thing to do, regardless of the OA contract is to write out a new contract for the BIoMom with the terms you want. No matter what, you and your child do not have to live with a person abusing either of you in any way and that is what the bio is doing. She thinks because of the OA she controls the relationship. She doesn't, you do. Mail the contract to her registered mail. Have her sign one copy and send it back to you. If it were me, I would say that visits include only her and last for x amount of time. If she brings anyone else, the visit doesn't happen. No more conversations involving who is the parent. If she calls and starts with that, the conversation is over. Limit the number of phone calls. I wouldn't talk to her more than 6 times a year. That's every 8 weeks and only to set up the upcoming visit. Get a spiral notebook and start writing down every event that takes place between you and the bio. Use a spiral because you can not add pages to it and fudge the contents, and your attorney can use it, if necessary, in court against the bioIf your attorney doesn't seem inclined to help you, find another one. Find out what the laws are concerning recording telephone conversations in your state. Some states allow you to do it as long as you inform the other person that the conversation is being recorded. It's easy to get a phone that also records. If you can record in your state, tell her the next time she calls you are recording and she can decide whether to continue the conversation or not. If she shows herself as she has been doing, you have even more evidence that she is a mental danger to you and your child. You may have that OA , but that does not mean you can not set up the limits of that OA. FInd out the laws about it and go from there. You're the parent and shouldn't have to put up with a crazy person everyday. It's not safe or healthy for you or your child.

I understand and agree that said Order provides that I shall have reasonable visitation with the child with said visitation to be supervised until such time as (1) the parties (that is, ADOPTIVE MOTHER and I) voluntarily agree to an alternative unsupervised visitation arrangement or (2) a court of competent jurisdiction determines that (a) such supervision no longer is necessary, or (b) that such visitation, whether supervised or unsupervised, no longer is in the best interests of the child. The exact schedule for such visitation shall be worked out between me and the adoptive parent at such times and for such durations of time as we may agree but the adoptive parent shall afford the opportunity for such visitation by me, or alternatively, the exchange of pictures or videotapes (may be in digital format) and written updates, to be no more than six (6) times per year, ideally every other month, with me traveling to the adoptive parent on those occasions for actual supervised visitation. I further understand that it is up to me to advise the adoptive parent as to whether the ongoing contact will be an actual supervised visit and that, if I fail to do so, then the adoptive parent will assume that the ongoing contact will be the provision of pictures (or videotape or digital movement) and a written update to my last known address. I further understand that it is my responsibility to keep the adoptive parent advised of my whereabouts and last known address as well as any phone number where I can be reached so as to ensure the continuation of ongoing contact.

this is what my attorney had to say: Merry Christmas and I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Just like an ex-spouse unfortunately dealing with the birth mom is going to be a life long ordeal for you (well ֖ at least until M turns 18). All I can tell you is: Stay calm, record what you can and preserve it, keep good records of any and all communications, be certain to honor your part of the agreement as long as it does not hurt M to do so. Yes you can move out of state ֖ but you would still have to honor the ongoing contact arrangement as long as it was not detrimental to M (and that means severely detrimental not just annoying). The birth mom sounds like she is erratic and on drugs when she has these episodes ֖ I think you are just going to have to recognize that her aberrant behavior is going to pop up periodically. You should keep a log of this because the more it happens ֖ the more you may have grounds down the road to stop all contact (no - I am not recommending that). Remember that part of your ֓deal to be able to adopt M Ԗ was to agree to the ongoing contact. Unfortunately that is the price you have to pay in this situation. Just stay calm, cool and collected, document each incident and honor your commitment within reason. You also may want to read parenting books dealing with an adverse parent and/or talk to a counselor. Sorry I can֒t give you any more then that. M is a beautiful child! I DONT UNDERSTAND! I CAN BE TREATED ANYWAY AND THEN IM TOLD THERES NOTHING I CAN DO! - i refuse to let my daughter grow up and see all of this happening. All I am trying to do is raise a happy, healthy and well rounded little girl and keep her away from drama such as this

Here's my interpretation of what the lawyer is saying: Because it is an OA agreement, you will have to put up with the bio at some level and you can expect her to be erratic. Now, nowhere does the lawyer or your agreement state that you are required to have visits under duress. Only contact is required from the way I read it. Since the agreement states that no more than 6 times a year, that makes it open-ended as to how many times you must have that contact, up to 6 times a year. There is nothing that states you must have visits 6 times a year. This allows you to set the number of visits as you see fit and to detail the conditions by which those visits take place. You have every right to start anew in 2010 and detail exactly how those visits can take place. The bio is required to follow your rules and if she doesn't, you aren't required to put your child through an ordeal. This is why you should keep track of every time there is contact so if you need to one day, you can legally amend the contract. It sounds to me like the Bio thinks she has all the control and can make you have visits and all the contact she wants regardless of her behavior. She's only in control if you give her that control. If she doesn't like the new rules, how likely is she to pursue legal recourse against you? And if she does, you could have all the ammo you need to show a court that she is unstable and visits are not in the best interest of your child. I copied this from the contract: "I further understand that it is up to me to advise the adoptive parent as to whether the ongoing contact will be an actual supervised visit and that, if I fail to do so, then the adoptive parent will assume that the ongoing contact will be the provision of pictures (or videotape or digital movement) and a written update to my last known address." This is the legal way of saying that is she doesn't contact you for a visit, then you are to assume that all further contact will be in written form. You don't have to allow a visit if she is unstable. Even one visit a year would satisfy the requirements of the contract. (You can also ask another lawyer to review your contact and explain it to you better than I can since I am not a lawyer.)

I read it the same way CaddoRose read it, but I would agree to ask your lawyer if you need further explanation as I am not a lawyer either. Any lawyers around here who can confirm or deny that CaddoRose is correct in her explanation? lol

I agree with Caddo Rose. Although there are two sentences in the contract that seem to contradict each other. First it says that adoptive parents are to provide visitation or written updates. Then it says that bmom is to notify whether the visitation will be in person. Is that exactly how it is written? I, too, am a big fan of open adoption, but you do not have to tolerate being abused by your child's bmom. Get a notebook that is dedicated to recording all contact with bmom. Every time you talk with her note the date, time and what was said. If she is rude or inappropriate, end the phone call. If she can't handle being polite over the phone, insist that all contact be in writing. Insist that her requests for contact be in writing. Write her back and be specific with your expectations. For example: "If you are more than 15 minutes late, we will assume that the visit is cancelled." "Any guests must be approved by us in advance in writing. If you bring unapproved guests, we will cancel the visit." The other thing you might want to consider is post adoption mediation. It gives you and the bmom an opportunity to negotiate boundaries moving forward. This is a tough situation. Good luck.