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My husband and I have been foster parents to a wonderful baby girl for the past 15 months. We have had her since she was 2 days old. We are waiting for TPRs but when she was close to 9 months a paternal uncle stepped forward and said he wanted her. Now both sides of the family have known about her since the beginning and never stepped forward. So I got defacto status and was given a lawyer. The county has been on my side since day 1 but 2 days before we go to court last month, they change their recommendation. We were already getting ready to be done with visits and start the adoption process. The county recommended that the uncle get her, my atty fought and said we have a bond with the baby and requested a bonding study and the judge agreed. So we are waiting for that. My question is what do I expect in the study. The uncle has been having visits for about 5 mths. but the judge ordered for the baby to stay in my home til we get this resolved. We already have an approved home study, since last year. I know alot of people have gone through what my family is going through, it's emotionally draining. I would appreciate any feedback anyone has. Thank You. I know family usually gets preference but I feel the uncle waiting too long to step forward.
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I am so very sorry for the pain and turmoil your family is going through and that the child may endure. Clearly it is traumatic all around to raise a child for so long and then face the possibility of losing her. I wonder, though, why the child wasn't placed with the uncle 6 months ago? Did the county refuse to do a homestudy for him or otherwise drag their feet? If so, they are the ones in the wrong if it looked as if the case would go to termination. If RU was still in play, however, I can see where they would want to avoid what may turn out to be an extra, unnecessary move. OTOH, if RU looked unlikely, then it would have made sense to move her to her most probable permanent home as soon as possible. Judges, however, sometimes thwart that idea. It's not a perfect system, it can't be, because no matter what decisions are made, they are a gamble on the future. Now the child is in a lose-lose situation. If she goes, she loses you and her healthy attachment to you and must start all over building trust with new adults. If she stays, she loses her family and birthrights, no small thing at all, especially as a child grows into an adult--just read the adoptee boards. As for the uncle and his family, nine months into a case is not so long, really. You don't know the circumstances and, frankly, he may well have spoken up much sooner and no one told you or they have lied to you about it or simply allowed you to think he didn't show until the 9-month mark. As a foster parent, you don't have a right to all those facts and cws are known to withhold information and manipulate the players to achieve what they may honestly believe is best for the child or easiest. In any case, there is nothing to be gained in distrust or anger toward a family that is stepping up to do the right thing by their family member. Imagine having to tell your child later that she had a family and no one wanted her? What would you be saying about them if they didn't step up? If I were you, I would try to reach out to this family. Even if the county left the child in your care wrongfully, the family may come around to seeing that time has passed and she has attached and would live a good life with you. The more open and welcoming you are to a connection with them, it is likely the more willing they would be to see you as her parents rather than someone trying to take her away from her family. But please don't appear to be more open than you would intend to be later--that is, don't make promises you may not be able to keep. Or they may thank you for your love and efforts and the healthy attachment you have fostered and bring her back into her family hoping that it will be as good a foundation as possible for her new, rightful life. The uncertainty must be overwhelming and painful. Again, you have my heartfelt sympathy in a very difficult situation.
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Well from what I know the baby wasnt placed with the uncle because the county at that time felt that the baby had already formed a bond with us. From 6 mths to 18 mths is the time when children start forming bonds. They had a adoption worker evaluate my family and the uncles and found it was in the best interest of the baby to stay with us. They knew from the get go this case was going into adoptions. The Bio M, has had 3 other kids with her rights terminated due to drugs and failure to comply, and the bd is a convicted child predator, now about family ties, we are in contact with the adoptive family who adopted 2 of the child and go to visit them, once or twice a month..and we are willing to have contact with the uncle in the future..I understand family ties are important we are not looking to keep them out of her life..but we are all the family she has known her whole life...also I dont think they want us to keep her..and the uncle has said he knew about her from the beginning but thought that his brother was going to get her.. Thank you for your feedback though...
RnMsmommy
Well from what I know the baby wasnt placed with the uncle because the county at that time felt that the baby had already formed a bond with us. From 6 mths to 18 mths is the time when children start forming bonds. They had a adoption worker evaluate my family and the uncles and found it was in the best interest of the baby to stay with us. They knew from the get go this case was going into adoptions. The Bio M, has had 3 other kids with her rights terminated due to drugs and failure to comply, and the bd is a convicted child predator, now about family ties, we are in contact with the adoptive family who adopted 2 of the child and go to visit them, once or twice a month..and we are willing to have contact with the uncle in the future..I understand family ties are important we are not looking to keep them out of her life..but we are all the family she has known her whole life...also I dont think they want us to keep her..and the uncle has said he knew about her from the beginning but thought that his brother was going to get her.. Thank you for your feedback though...