Advertisements
I was reading Claud's blog and her blogroll and stumbled on this blog by Heather that has not been touched since 2007. But this post caught my eye and got me thinking. But I want to put the notion out there...any thoughts?
Adoptee/first mothers have you got any thoughts on this:
Sunday, August 13, 2006
It's harder to be a birthmother
So I've been thinking about my experience as an adoptee as compared to my experince as a birthmother. Looking back over it all it has really become apparant to me that being a birthmother has been a more difficult experience. I don't know exactly why, the feelings are more intense as a birthmother as opposed to being an adoptee.
I felt a strong connection to my bparents, but a MUCH stronger connection to my birthchild. I suppose it's that magical thing that happens when you carry a child. Maybe not everyone feels this way but I sure do. I know I'm not my sons mother but I feel like his mother and can never express that to him. It would push him away even more so, he is already very timid about reunion as it is. And it's not like I want to be mom to him, but I can't help but feel motherly toward him. I dunno if that makes any sense, I would never even think about trying to insert myself into that role. He has a great mom already.
I carry this alone, it will be within me to the day I die and since I can never tell him that I tell you the annoymous reader. I love my son to depth of my being, always have and always will.
Here's the website: [url=http://scarlet52698.blogspot.com/]No Place Like Home[/url]
BTW the blogger then posted 8 months later saying that the opposite was true.
Like
Share
Advertisements
I can't speak for being a bmom as I am an adoptee....but I can't help but think that as an adoptee and a bmom there potential for bringing your adoptee situation into your bmom status is very strong. You just may not react as a bmom that has not been adopted. I wonder if you can actually seperate the two. In terms of basically saying being a bmom is harder then an adoptee...on general terms...with out the status of an adoptee ..welll the situaions are so very differnt, the issues so very differnt, that its impossible to say one can be worse then the other.
dpen6
I can't speak for being a bmom as I am an adoptee....but I can't help but think that as an adoptee and a bmom there potential for bringing your adoptee situation into your bmom status is very strong. You just may not react as a bmom that has not been adopted. I wonder if you can actually seperate the two. In terms of basically saying being a bmom is harder then an adoptee...on general terms...with out the status of an adoptee ..welll the situaions are so very differnt, the issues so very differnt, that its impossible to say one can be worse then the other.
"I can't speak for being a bmom as I am an adoptee....but I can't help but think that as an adoptee and a bmom there potential for bringing your adoptee situation into your bmom status is very strong. You just may not react as a bmom that has not been adopted. I wonder if you can actually seperate the two."
I am a birth mom and an adoptive mom. I am raising bio kids too. Being a birth mom is completely intertwined into both of my other mothering experiences. It changes how I think, react, parent.... I am fairly sure I am different from most moms... Adoptive or not. Because I was a birthmom first. Colored all future experiences.
"In terms of basically saying being a bmom is harder then an adoptee...on general terms...with out the status of an adoptee ..welll the situaions are so very differnt, the issues so very differnt, that its impossible to say one can be worse then the other."
presicely. I hate comparing wounds. Truthfully I have a tendency to think other peoples suffering is worse than mine.
But isn't this just life? Aren't there just hurts and injustices and unfairness in life?
Don't we just take our bag of lemons and do our best to make lemonade? And if in our journey towards healing we are given the gift of coming up alongside another human being suffering And in some small way touch their heart and let them know they are not alone... In that moment do we not find some joy that our own suffering was not in vain but rather for that moment in time when we touch someone elses heart?
In the adoption community, I can tell you that my 'expereince' as an adoptee is often dismissed because I am also a birth mom - so my 'birth mother' experience must cloud the otherwise fantastic experience I would have had, had I not be a birth mom as well. I don't see either as being harder than the other. I see both of them having the potential to be hard - equally so - just differently. I find that the adoption community usually expects me to 'pick one to relate to more' than the real world.If I don't pick one - I am often assigned one.Most people on the forums see me as a 'birth mother' even though I am also an adoptee. I don't even have 'birth mother' in my signature and haven't for several years...of course, I don't post on a ton of adoptee threads, because I can't really relate to the closed adoption experience, so I don't feel qualified to talk about it.
Advertisements
True brandy. While I come here frequently to read, I rarely post anymore. Birth moms dismiss me or view me as a traitor because I have adopted. And I definitely feel completely dismissed by adoptive parents because I am a birth mother.
Although, somehow it seems adoptees tend to perhaps be a little more interested in my thoughts.
Oddly, if I were to make an unfounded assumption about someone in your shoes, I suppose I would think that your experience in having lived life as an adoptee may have affected your birth mother experience rather than vice versa. Kwim?
I don't know. For me being a birth mother was so extraordinarily life changing that I don't really think I can separate it and it's affects from most areas of my life.
Brandy -- I value your ideas and experiences a great deal because you've experienced both sides, being both an adoptee and a first mother. You have a unique perspective, having seen it from both the first mom view and the adoptee view. You offer a lot of insight to all three sides of the triad, and I always enjoy reading your posts.
Julie -- It's good to see you posting again. I always value your wisdom and strength. :loveyou:
Hi Julie, I am glad to see you again!!! I don't think of you as being a traitor...sigh...it is tricky navagating the aoption world.
Brandy - I always value your comments because you are one of the few here that are an adoptee and a first mother - and to top it off you were raised in an OA....
Really, I can't compare the two. Yes my experience as an adopted adult effects my experience as a first mom. Is being one harder than the other? One week yeah, one week no.... Sometimes they alternate. It depends on where I am with each situation.
In truth, I just work really hard to not let either situation control my life.
Advertisements
BrandyHagz
In the adoption community, I can tell you that my 'expereince' as an adoptee is often dismissed because I am also a birth mom - so my 'birth mother' experience must cloud the otherwise fantastic experience I would have had, had I not be a birth mom as well.
Julie wrote: "
But isn't this just life? Aren't there just hurts and injustices and unfairness in life?
Don't we just take our bag of lemons and do our best to make lemonade? And if in our journey towards healing we are given the gift of coming up alongside
another human being suffering And in some small way touch their heart and let them know they are not alone... In that moment do we not find some joy that
our own suffering was not in vain but rather for that moment in time when we touch someone elses heart?"
I love this statement. So true Julie, and, I guess, that's why I spill my guts on a public forum. I've come to the conclusion over the years that you can't really measure someones' emotional pain. The similarities in adoption pain, and other pains just keeps astounding me. For example, I hear the comparison of pain in disabilities regularly.
Which is worse, being blind, being deaf, or being in a wheel chair? Which is worse, being born blind, or losing your sight after being able to see? There is no way to compare. Where as getting a flu shot is painful, but no real big deal for me, I have an uncle, who litterally trimbles at the thought of a shot, and is terrified. He's a big bear of a man and actually tears up.
IMO, pain is pain. What I find extremely painful, another person may not. Doesn't matter, really. It still hurts.
Brandi, I wish you would post more on the adoptee boards as well. I think you could add a lot to the discussions.
I am a b-mom and for awhile I only saw how adoption effected ME. Now, I see that my b-son who is 11 has his own issues.
He questioned whether or not he is still an only child after the recent delivery of my baby girl. He is an only child in one sense but has a sibling out there in another. Hummm, how confusing for him! I will NEVER know what that feels like for him.
And I think of all the times through out the years when it was time to say goodbye and he asked His parents if he could stay. Or he climbed into the backseat of my car when i was trying to leave. Or when he told me when he was 6 that he wished I would have been married when i had him so then he could live with me...I always chalked it up to typical child behavior not wanting someone to leave. But who knows....maybe he was hurting?
Honestly - here's how I have felt...When I gave my daughter up for adoption - I was prepared to take the pain - all of it. I was devastated to find out that she suffered too. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We (birthmom's) are trying to do what is best for our child at our own expense...it's not about our pain - it's about the child...and then they have issues?!? Maybe that makes it twice as bad for us.
Advertisements
Has it ever occurred to any of you that we do all of ourselves a disservice when we try to decide who has the worst pain. I only know what my own pain is/was like. I can listen to D talk about his own, but I can't say that his feelings are deeper than mine or harder to deal with. I have no way of measuring whose pain is harder or worse.
