OT - Single Parent or Parent who is Single?

I'm way on the outside of this, so take my thoughts for what they are :prop: My daughter's Mom is a single Mom (by choice) so I'm certainly exposed to that. I have a brother that's a single parent - not by choice. Yes, his kids Mother is alive and around, but I swear, she's like caring for another child. She's demanding, she doesn't discipline the kids, she encourages bad behavior, and when the kids see her it's many steps backward for them. My brothers efforts have had to be doubled, because of this one step forward, two steps back process. As for someone to make a decision with? Yeah right! We'd LOVE to see her show the ability to make an adult decision....Someone to share financial responsisbilities with? Good luck! I realize it's one example, but it does exist out there. So sometimes I think that single parenthood awards CAN and SHOULD go to folks that do happen to have another parent "around." I do think it's different from chosen single parenthood in ways, of course, but I don't think that just because another parent is "there" (somewhere?) means that the financial burden is less or that the "workload" associated with raising children is less, kwim? But then on the other hand, yeah, to hear that Kate (of "Jon and" fame) is a "single parent"? Well, that does make my eyes roll a bit.

Wow!! I never thought of it that way. I am a single parent. And DannieAS, you're so right-there' less drama. But, I would love to have someone to bounce ideas off of. and someone to watch a ball game with the boys (I have 4) while I go shopping; regain my sanity, whatever.

Of course of course....and like TGmom said, every case is different. Which is why, I did say that I do have an amazing support system and I know my dad will be taking her out for stuff.....and I'm not against marriage, I'm just one of those types that is happy with whatever life gives me...if I get married someday GREAT! if not....GREAT!!!! And I understand that not everyone is wired this way and that's OK TOO!

I do agree. I do think every case is different. It is not so "black and white" as my original post states. However, it is those Jon & Kate types that beat me down the most. Oh, and that Jason guy from the bachelor about a year ago. These people who use their children to make money or to get their 15 minutes of fame on a reality show! ! ! . . . . Okay, I mine as well just start another thread about that topic. Ugh!

I am one of those SINGLE PARENTS that is so totally single its scary lol. But I have come to terms with it and the older she gets the easier it is. When I went home (Africa) my mom and a couple of other people asked about baby number 2 and I about had a cow. I am happy with just one for now.

Interesting thread. I actually have never differentiated between single parents by choice and divorced parents. I do see differences but I don't see us as having dramatically harder roles. I do envy the divorced moms who can have the ex take the kids so they can get stuff done and have grown up time...sometimes. But I don't envy all the planning they have to do to make it work and the missed holiday time and that end of things. What makes me mad is when a married person says they are experiencing single parenthood and know what it is like because their hubby is out of town for a couple of days. They so totally don't get what it is like to have to go to an IEP meeting by yourself, make a decision about changing schools all by yourself etc. I had my first night off in years last week (my nanny wanted to take the kids to an evening movie so I didn't have to be home until 8:30) - such bliss I thought. Until she called at 6:30 and I had to go to the theatre to give her money for the movie. I chose to have my 3 - I love it and wouldn't change it for the world. But someone who has another parent to share the burden most of the time has no idea what the true life we lead is like....

to be quite honest.....and let's be clear, every situation is different, I'm very open and humbled by the fact I do have enormous help from my parents..... I think we have it easier than parents who are divorced. Cynthia if I didn't work where I work, I would think IEP meetings are intimidating, and I can appreciate feeling so overwhelmed making those decisions solely. In that aspect, if I needed one for the future, I wouldn't think twice about those decisions, but other situations scare me and overwhelm me to think about.

I am a single parent....I adopted a child as a single parent. My sister is a parent who is single...she got pregnant with a one night stand and decided to keep the child. The father is uninvolved.We have some very similar responsibilities because we are the only ones responsible for our children. But when money is tight for her -- she asks the dad for money. When money is tight for me -- I decide which bill not to pay. When my daughter asks about daddy -- I tell her she doesn't have one. When her daughter asks about daddy -- will she tell her that daddy just doesn't want to know her?Samantha

Just wondering - what do you call an unmarried parent where both parents are alive and well, but one is totally absent/unwilling to play the role of parent?I am just wondering - because that doesn't seem to 'fit' in any of your categories.Also - I noticed that you only seemed to mention the 'best case scenario' in your post - where parents get along and their 'bouncing ideas off each other' and playing an equal role - what about cases where this isn't the situation? What about those single parents who are constantly at war with each other?Seems like those single parents would much prefer a world where involvement of the other parent wasn't the case...doesn't seem like that would be 'easier' at all.Not sure why we feel the need to define others or why we feel the need to measure our pain and difficulties against others to see who comes out on top - seems like a total waste of time and energy to me.I guess those who are single with living partners could say the single parents (your definition) - you made the choice to be a single parent - quit complaining - you knew what you were getting in to - where, they might have fully thought they were going to have a partner to share the burden of parenting responsibilities on a day to day basis, but now they don't. Not saying either is right - in fact, I think both are dead wrong - but then again, I have a huge problem with assigning labels to others (although, if you'd like to assign that to your self, go right ahead!) - I just don't get the whole issue (having been a single mom myself)

Brandy,I hope my post did not come off as complaining because it wasn't meant to be. I certainly would rather be in my position then in my sisters. Yes there are times that it would be nice to have a second parent around but over all I wouldn't trade my situation.Samantha

No no - I am just confused about the need to put someone in a neat little box. I mean - why the need to 'define' single parenthood? I don't think anyone is complaining - I just don't understand is all.

Ocracoke: I know what you mean!! Being a single parent, there's no one to turn to. Now if I meet a nice guy that may change. Question: does your little one ask about having a daddy? J, my third oldest, said they need a dad. B, my youngest, wants the dad to be a cop. L, my 2nd oldest, doesn't want a dad at all. And P, my oldest, said he doesn't care one way or the other as he'll be off to college soon. It would be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of. That being said, my ex husband would NEVER have gone along with foster care or adoption. He wasn't there yet in his life to do this.

I don't think it's a matter of trying to compete for who has it worse but it does get frustrating when divorced folks complain about having it so rough when they do get every other weekend to themselves. I have found that even dating single men with children is VERY different than being a single parent with no one to "take over" ever! There will never be a time when I don't have my kids. Most single dads have at least two weekends alone as well as the entire week. It's been a huge eye opener for me. Not that I am complaining of course. I love my kids and I don't regret a thing. I think every deserves to vent now and again. I guess it's like someone going on and on about how tough it is that they work two days a week when you work five. I guess everyone has their own limits on what is tough though. And yes, it certainly depends on the person and the situation.

Brandy, I understand what the OP was trying to say....she even stated that she might step on a few toes... The thing is, because most of us here chose to be single parents....I have noticed that I am careful if I vent about something because I have that feeling that people will say "you CHOSE this" yet when a couple chooses to have kids, I know mothers who complain/vent all the time yet no one thinks twice. OP wanted to vent.....there are some things I totally get about it, and then I don't worry about the rest because it's not something I'll be thinking about 24/7 KWIM? Married, single, divorced, or complicated....no one is saintly and sometimes we all have our different things that we need to vent about. At least that's how I viewed the OP....not concretely putting people into categories because as we all know....everyone is an individual and every situation is unique.

DannieAS - Great job! You covered things quite well.I would like to add a couple of things. Brandy - I appreciate you speaking up. I wasn't trying to put a label on people but I can see how it would look that way. Something to note, I don't call myself a single parent. I am a parent. In addition, I don't complain about being a parent. What I have found that those who complain about being a single parent (their words not mine) are the Kate Gosselins of the world and other parents who have shared custody. Why are they complaining about being a single parent? Why are they complaining about being a parent at all? It's as if their children are a burden. I don't get that. Don't they love their children? Or are they using their children as some badge of honor (for lack of a better word). One of those, "Oh look at me and what I have to go thru." As a pp stated, some parents chose to raise the child by themselves. The Dad or Mom was just never in the picture. However, what is intriguing is they don't complain about being a parent. Even the parents who have an ex and the ex does nothing for the children. . . Those parents don't seem to complain either. So, maybe it is just me but the ones I have found that irk me the most are the single parents who have shared custody and they seem to enjoy complaining about it. Please note I never said ALL in any of my posts because that wouldn't be right. Basically I am saying some parents do this and those people just wear me down.Did that clear things up or did I just muddy the waters more? Sorry if I made things worse.