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As a birthmother from the closed era and I know I kind of have a different attidude obviously about adoption but I'm wondering if I'm the only one who sees this kind of thing going on.
When someone hears that a girl has been having sex outside marriage and is pregnant the first thing I hear is, "Well, you know, she's been a bad girl and..." and then the next thing I hear is, "She should give the baby up for adoption because afterall, she's TOO YOUNG to be a mother."
Even my own mother who was not a "virgin" when she met my dad and had sex with him the same day and 5 months into her pregnancy with me married my dad, will make comments like that.
I see these self righteous religious people who have these great marriages, and "religious" backgrounds act as if I'm evil for even THINKING about trying to give a girl who is pregnant some things to think about so she doesn't give her baby away if she doesn't want to. Or if I talk about my situation with people like that they tell me that my parents did the right thing in having me give my baby away.
I get so tired of this kind of attitude. SO TIRED. What makes a woman who is pregnant outside marriage a "bad girl"? WHY is she a "bad girl"? I just don't get that. Sex is not a bad thing. If you love someone and you aren't sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry for money, why do people just lable a woman that way?
Where in the bible does it tell you God tell you to give your baby away to strangers because that's HIS Will? I've never read that. All I've ever read was he didn't want you to have sex before marriage. But that's what people think. That God sends babies to young girls so the "worthy" couples who can't have kids can adopt them. I don't believe that for one single solitary minute!
Even though the bible says not to, I personally don't feel a girl is bad for having sex outside marriage. Sure she wasn't doing what God told her to do or not to do, and it's a sin but it doesn't make that GIRL a "bad girl", just the act. I don't think they should be judged.
And I DON'T think just because they may be young or they may not have the "right rich circumstances" at the time they get preg that they should give their baby up. Give it up by choice, not circumstance. Because circumstances change and people get through hard times.
Anyway...
This thought was triggered by one of the stupid ads that are on here that show a younger woman helping a girl that doesn't look much younger than she is with her "problem pregnancy". It just looks like the kind of person I've seen most of my life thinking they are better than the pregnant girl is and is going to help her with her "problem". :mad:
Rylee
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i don't like those ads or that mentality either. i don't think your opinion on those things is just because you are a birth mom from the closed era....i'm an adoptive parent and i think the same way. i have a daughter. i would not ever want her to think adoption was her only answer if she made a choice that ended in her getting pregnant too soon. i think alot of what you are describing are attitudes that are passed onto paps by agencies. and i really wish that they would rethink the way they get adoptive parents in the door....unfortunately, it must be working...so i doubt they will stop any time soon. i get an adoption related magazine...some of the ads are ridiculous. we used to donate all of our old baby things to a pregnancy crisis center where we lived. they had a mother's closet full of supplies for moms who could not afford baby and kid basics (everything from diapers to cribs). i thought that was a neat ministry.....when i dropped stuff off, i always saw moms (of all ages) there getting things they needed. other than that though, i am at a loss as to how people can help women, especially young girls, believe they can parent, and then support them in parenting. do you know of any programs people can get involved in to help in situations like this?
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I wish I did know a place like that but I don't.
I do know if more parents would support their child in this and actually help them learn to be parents and find resouces to help out with diapers etc, rather than make it impossible for them to do so there would be a lot less adoptions going on. I personally think a lot of parents push their child into giving the baby up for adoption.
I also think a lot of the "embarrassment" these parents feel is ridiculous. Why they'd be embarrassed in this day and age I can't even imagine. But they use the bible and they use the "what will the neighbors think" and that sort of thing to make the girl feel like crap about being pregnant and then the agencies and the other outside sourse who are trying to get that almighty dollar for the baby to be adopted that make adoption seem the ONLY option. It makes me sick! :mad:
I know that a lot of adoptions that happen have nothing to do with embarrassment, presure from parents, or anything other than the woman just not wanting to be a mother at that time in her life. But there are a lot of girls/women who are presured and made to feel like crap by the self righteous of the world who think they are better than an unmarried pregnant girl who aren't willing to help them get through the hard TEMPORARY time in their lives that forse them into giving their child up. :mad:
Rylee
There are just SO many stigmas around pregnancy. My SIL was 24 during her first pregnancy. She was married but towards the end of the pregnancy her wedding band didn't fit. She used to get HORRIBLE looks and could tell folks were talking about her. For being pregnant and unmarried! Of course, the irony was that she WAS married. But she hated it so she put her rings on a chain hoping to avoid the public displays of disaproval.
When you add in the religious aspect, the thing that gets me is that sin is sin is sin. None greater than the other, right? So yes, a girl had sex before marriage, but you judging her? THAT's a sin!
And what is that about casting the first stone???
It all makes me just: :grr:
It definitely is ridiculous and sickening how people think about pregnant women. What your sister went through with the ring not fitting and getting those looks is something similar to what my daughter went through while she was pregnant the first time.
She looked like a 14 year old at 20 years old. She's always had that young look. She also couldn't wear her wedding ring due to swelling of her fingers during the last part of her pregnancy.
Some of the looks she got were completely out of line and even the comments some people made to her about her "young age and being pregnant" and asking her "What are you going to do with your baby?". People assumed she was a pregnant teen that should give the baby up! It was pathethic! She was in tears a few times over that kind of stuff. Very frustrating to her and to me having to watch her being treated and looked at the way she was just because she wasn't wearing a wedding ring.
And you're right a sin is a sin is a sin. I think people use the bible too much though to make excuses for their "judging" other people. As much as I try to be a good church going person it's tough and I just don't feel comfortable in church much anymore. I don't know if I will again.
Rylee
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I'm not a mom, bio or adoptive, but I whole heartedly agree! People can be SO weird about pregnancy, from the young unmarried seeming women or girls who are "evil" to how they talk about everything about the process, to how they act about those of us that have no urge to BE pregnant (it's not that I don't want to be a mom, I just have NO interest in being pregnant or giving birth). The discussions I hear from people I work with that have given birth are stomach turning, really, TMI. I seriously don't get people. So judgemental, so self righteous. Probably be the same ones to say how it takes a heartless person to give up a child in one breath then say how these "young girls" should be finding AP's for their unborn kids.
And I just saw what I think is the same ad in this very thread. Yeah, that one is...um..yeah.