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Today I discovered that my daughter had friended her biological mother on facebook. I am so hurt, she has done this in the past but deleted her right away but not this time. should I ignore it or confront her?
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I would let her know that I know... not a confrontation per se, but just a general... "hey, I saw you and XXX were FB friends... How is she?" If she remains FB friends with her, I would check in from time-to-time... not so much to be intrusive, but just to keep the lines of communication open on the subject.
I'm a 24 year old adoptee, and making the generalization that 20 year olds are drama queens is kind of harsh. Not to mention, she's an adult and if her biomom has caused hurt in the past the only thing you can do is be there to hold her up after the fact. But from my point of view I feel kind of disrespected for your daughter that you would be upset about her contacting the person who gave birth to her, but thats just MHO
I did not mean to generalize that all 20 year olds are drama queens, sorry if I offended anyone...Thank you Fe for the good open communication hint!Just upset because biomom has hurt her so much in the past and don't want to see her hurt again :( But your correct that she is an adult and can make her own choices. My duaghter has developmental issues and has trouble forming and keeping relationships as it is, I feel more that she is guilted in to the Facebook thing, as the biomom is very manipulating... but again I guess it is not my choice. Being an adoptive parent and a biological parent I would not want any of my children to be hurt over and over again.
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Georgia, That is highly unlikely. Each mother means something different and each is based on different things. One does not replace the other and adoptees learn we can love both without taking anything away from the other. Things like shared moments, memories, a lifetime - those cannot be undone and deleted they just continue to build in scope. Your role now is to support a new adult and be there if it crashes be there with love - just like you will always be there whether it is a fight with a hubby, job loss, as well as to celebrate the good... Don't stress. D
georgia, I have been exactly where you are and felt what you felt. I'm the adoptive stepmom of a now-21-yr-old boy whose biological mother had sporadic unhealthy contact in his childhood with several years passing in between. And then, at the end of high school came the direct relationship, and they are friends on FB too. Our fears aren't always logical, and if there is one certain thing about "emerging adults", it's that you cannot in any way predict what their decisions will be. As a parent, it's hard to prepare for and be comfortable with something that has a completely uncertain outcome. They can have enthusiasm that isn't yet tempered by the wisdom of experience, and there is also the difficult dynamic of dependent/independent where they are rightfully given freedom over their own lives and choices, and yet are still dependent on parental support in many ways. (and YES I realize this does not apply to all young adults, as every individual is different...but it certainly applies to my young adult:prop: ) For me, I had to come to the rock-solid knowledge that I and I alone "own" my place as his mother, no one else owns it and no one else can change it, because me being his mother is defined by me being (as in actively being) his mother. I'm the only one with the power to stop that. Nothing he does or says, or anyone else does or says can un-mother me. Reminding myself of that helped me take the focus OFF "What is he doing?," "What is she doing," "What is she saying?," "How is he feeling?," and instead keep the focus ON "What am I doing?," "How am I being a good mother right now?." That is not only the only thing that I can control, it the most important thing for me to control. My role is determined by my actions, not by anyone else's feelings barometer at a given moment, know what I mean? Hang in there. It's a sort of surreal place to be, being a mother watching your child connect with another mother. But in my case, my son and I are even more close, more secure and more solid after going through it, than we were before. I hope that is case for you as well. PM me any time you want. I get it.
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I am an adoptive mother and an adoptee. I understand you may feel hurt and want to protect your daughter. I can imagine feeling the same way if I were in your shoes with my adopted daughter. After all, it is our job as their mother to keep them from harm, and it sounds like you have already picked up some shattered pieces to help mend your daughter's heart. However, if I switch from my adopted mother hat to my perspective as an adoptee, I see things differently. I am sure each person has their own way of discovering and reacting to biofamily. I had to see for myself, as an adoptee, to verify what I was told was true. I have a birthparent who is not safe, at all, by just about anyone's standards. Two things helped my identity around being adopted. One was being an adoptive parent, myself. The other was connecting with my bioparent, diving into my own fantasies, feelings and really going there. Ultimately, it led me to fully emotionally separate myself from the bioperson and really appreciate those who raised me, my only Parents, in my mind. I am now more of my truer self, more complete in who I am.I wish your heart comfort right now, and goodness to come from these dynamics.
For me, I had to come to the rock-solid knowledge that I and I alone "own" my place as his mother, no one else owns it and no one else can change it, because me being his mother is defined by me being (as in actively being) his mother. I'm the only one with the power to stop that. Nothing he does or says, or anyone else does or says can un-mother me. This is soo true.. and something that I need to remind myself of.. thanks for sharing this!!
thank you for your post. My daughter's situation is the same and it is hard. I think how you are considering responding is good. However, it is really tough, whether they are an adult or a child to see them get hurt! It hurts you! I hated watching it when she was a child and we tried the "open adoption" route - it was so harmful! Now she is an adult and delving into her fantasies about her birth mom. It hurts alot but I have always known it has to happen. It's been like she held herself away from me for this time of connecting with the birth mom - " No adoptive child is ever more "your child" than they allow themselves to be" and now I am just waiting to see if she every figures it out. No matter what though, I am her mom, as Shanon says: I have the rock-solid knowledge that I and I alone "own" my place as her mother, no one else owns it and no one else can change it, because me being her mother is defined by me being (as in actively being) her mother. Nothing she does or says, or anyone else does or says can un-mother me"
I'd like to offer a perspective not as a birthmother but a mother plain and simple... Everything you described completely legitimates you wanting to still protect her even though she is 20, more that most mothers would want to protect their 20 year olds. After all, our babies are our babies for life no matter how old they are! But look at it this way: you can monitor FB contact in ways that you wouldn't be able to monitor letters and phone calls. If she is contacting her bmom, you can see it and be there to support and comfort her even if she doesn't come outright and tell you whats going on. You can see the online threads firsthand. Just thought that might help to look at it that way....
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georgia143
Her bio mom is actually my ex-husbands former wife and while we were married I was able to adopt her as her bio mom was out of the picture and not interested. A few times over the years the bio mom made attempts and we welcomed attempts in the begining until she would make and break promises too many times. These contacts come every 5-7 years and have not been healthy for any of us. My daughter for the most part talks down about her bio mom but now has friended her.... My daughter is also a drama queen, what 20 year old isn't, and I think she might be looking for attention from us, I am thinking I should ignore it and let her make her own choices, she is 20, but it stilll hurts :(
georgia143 - I agree with a lot of the other posters, I think the word confront implies she's done something "wrong" part of growing up is learning how to deal with disappointments in our lives. My parents divorced when I was very young. My dad broke promises of visits & contact constantly. I would be livid if I thought my Mom had any right of control over my relationship with him (probably as involved as your daughters mom) or over my facebook page. She is an adult and sometimes we have to learn the hard lessons. Having a special needs daughter I can tell you that although they are behind in maturity/developmentally they still need these lessons in a real world scenario. It's good that she accepted her friend request and if she's manipulated she'll have to live with that. I know it's hard as a mom to watch it happen but try to think of it as a challenging subject in school and one she just has to get through. Best of luck to you!