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Hi everyone. I'm new here but could really use some advice. I'm pregnant (9 weeks from due date) and the father and I are considering adoption. The only problem is, the more I think about it, the less I like that option and the more sure I am that if we go that route I will regret it forever.
The problem is our OB is putting some pressure on us to commit to adoption. He has some potential families in mind is excited about the prospect. We will be having a c-section delivery and would be doing a closed adoption - we would not ever see the baby (so no chance for us to change our minds when we see him).
Honestly, this pregnancy was an accident. I would not have done this deliberately and am completely freaked out about having this child. But, I really don't like the idea of adoption, either.
The crux of the problem is that the father has some family issues that are going to present a problem - specifically his adult children do not know about this child and will not respond well. He is hoping that with adoption he can simply hide this child from them. I think he's being short-sighted and this is a knee jerk reaction that he will regret as much as I will. Other than family issues, there isn't any reason, other than convenience, for us not to keep this child.
The father is being very supportive and we are have a good relationship. He is not forcing me to go the adoption route, but he is strongly encouraging me to do so. I am, however, concerned that he will not be willing to physically help with the child (which I desperately need) if I opt to keep it.
At the last visit our OB asked us to commit ASAP. He is definitely painting a pretty picture for us - and the father is definitely lapping it up. And, honestly, I'm feeling under the gun. I told the doctor we needed more time (and the father didn't object), but the doctor asking me to call him and give him the go-ahead soon.
Adoption definitely sounds like a great solution (especially the way the doctor describes it). But I have some serious reservations. I think this is a huge decision, the father isn't thinking things through deeply enough, and I'm not sure why we should be in too much of a hurry.
What do I do? Right now I think I'm 80% against adoption - not where I need to be to commit to this. But, am I being crazy? Am I going to get any support if I decide to keep this child? How do I convince the doctor to slow down? How do I help the father see it's a more serious decision than he's treating it as?
Any advice is appreciated!
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brandi10
Huh. The more I read, the more absurd this whole thing seems. You would think this OB is in some gothic hospital building, it's always thunderstorming when we go see him and there's always evil laughter in the background....
How does this happen in this day? Seriously, the only thing either one of us has told the doctor is that we want to get more information about the possibility of adoption. How did that get to "you need to commit NOW"? I'm seeing other people talking about picking the adoptive parents even in a closed adoption - but that's not even being offered as an possibility. And, it's not like this doctor is old enough just to be stuck in the old school ways.
I definitely want to take more time and am going to ask the father to please at least meet the child before deciding. The doctor claims it will only take one phone call from him to line up an adoption and that Child Services will foster the baby until things are finalized, so I can't see why it would matter if we wait until the baby is born.
So.... how do I tell the doctor this?? Without risking a serious reduction in care?
Good question, but I was the one who found him. The father didn't even know who the doctor was until we got there the first time.
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My tentative plan is to see how he responds to me telling him I want to wait until the baby is born to make a decision at our next appointment (in a month).
If it goes badly, then I'm going to be trying to find a new doctor a month from delivery which might be a challenge.
Brandi,
After reading through all of these posts I have a huge fear that if you do not switch OB/GYNs now, you will find yourself in a nightmare scenario where you are discredited and forced somehow into adoption.
I am an adoptive mom and "pro-adoption" but I can tell you do not want to place your child. End of story. I just do not see you really wanting to do this except for pressure from the father and this doc.
Adoption is permanent and binding and forever. What is the chance that you will have a successful long-term relationship with a man who is trying to hide his relationship with you? How long will you stay with a man who does not support your choice, a man who does not respect your feelings and your wishes? A man who makes you give up your child for his selfish reasons?
And now to the issue of hiding your pregnancy. Do you really want to do this? There are logistical considerations as well as the emotional difficulty of living in deceit while an exciting and life changing thing is happening inside of your body. Do you have a friend, a relative, someone close to you to confide in who will help you through this pregnancy? As impossible as it may seem, you don't have to tell every busybody you meet who the father of your baby is. If you really do not want the father's children to know, then don't tell them, for now. I'm not a big believer in secrets because I believe they eventually come out, but you don't have to tell his kids anything right now. Especially if you are hiding your relationship from them.
I am a doctor. I am an adoptee raised in a closed adoption. I am a new adoptive mom in an open adoption. From each of these positions, I find your situation most concerning. Your OB is acting in an unethical manner, and you owe him absolutely NOTHING- not your business, not any explanations, absolutely NOTHING!!My advice is simple, and the same as every other person who has posted a response to this thread. FIND ANOTHER OB....NOW!!! Plans to parent or place should be secondary to having healthy pregnancy. You have a lot of decisions ahead, but first, focus on your health and the health of your unborn child.Best of luck to you.
I am a physician also and I can't for the life of me understand why an ob would be so aggressive about adoption. I can see being aggressive about recommending one treatment or test or another but over something like this, it sort of blows my mind. I cannot imagine why he would be being so interested in this particular part of the equation unless he is receiving a financial incentive or he wants the baby for his wife or something. It seems like he spends the whole visit talking about adoption and not about your medical care and what is going on with you. I agree that you need a new physician stat. It's not worth risking compromising your care and it does sound like this could happen. You can't take that chance. If it makes you feel any better you could leave your appointment with him for now and just get another one with a different doctor to see what that doctor is like, and switch if you feel comfortable with the next doctor. I'm not trying to be sexist but it might be easier to talk to a female ob and she could be less intimidating.
You cannot let fear paralyze you and let others push you around. You have your own mind and thoughts and it's your body so nobody can tell you what to do.
On the topic of the bio dad, I am also perplexed by the worry over adult children. I guess that's something you two understand better since you are in the situation.
Last thing: Fallen, what are the laws you are talking about? Just out of curiosity, can I see a link that shows these laws?
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[Does this get this out of hand for most people?[/quote] It sounds like it is already out of hand - the doctor is talking about knocking you out to eliminate any kind of control you would have over the situation, and to prevent you from thinking about or feeling for your baby durring delivery .... how much more out of control could it possibly be than that?? best fc
Hi,
I am an adoptee who is in reunion with my biological family. Now that I have met my biological mother, I have learned that she gave me up largely due to financial reasons and the fact that my bio father was not going to be in the picture. She thought that I would be better off growing up in a more stable, two-parent home with wealth and a big house.
Now that I have met her, it's tough for her to realize that my life was not a Norman Rockwell painting after all. This is not the fault of my adoptive parents, who I love -- this is just life. Parents can get divorced, money and jobs and big homes can be lost, families fall on hard times. There is no storybook fairytale family, and love is the most important thing you can give a child. I do not mean to imply that I did not get that from my adoptive family -- I did -- but of course my life was not perfect. For her to see those imperfections is very hard 25 years later.
Keeping your biological child is NOT selfish. You are this child's mother, and you have the right to parent the child if you WANT to. No one else has more of a right to parent this child than you, no matter their wealth or status.
As this forum demonstrates, adoption can be complicated. You say the father claims your son will have "everything" he wants if you give him up -- but what if your child wants to meet his biological family someday? What if he just wants to see someone else who looks like him? Many happy happy adoptees still want this to just understand themselves better. If the adoption is closed, this is something most people will have in their lives, but your child can never have.
Do not let a doctor or the child's father make you believe his life will be "better." There is no better, only different, and as an adoptee I can see clearly that there are many great great things about being adopted but sometimes hard emotions to sort through as well.
Your thoughts are not crazy at all, and I think the fact that you have even found this website to get feedback is an indication that you are a very rational, thoughtful person!
Brandi, I have not read all replies, and of course I echo what others have said about getting a new doctor. ALso want to repeat that it is not at all necessary to commit to an adoption plan right now. Our little one is now 6 months old, and she was born three weeks early. Our agency did not show her birth mother family profiles until after she was born, then when her birth mother called with her decision, the agency called her back the next day to ask if she was still sure and how she felt about the decision, then the day after that, called us to tell us we were chosen to be her parents. That was 8 days after she was born! So no need to rush committing now. And last week our social worker from our agency came for a visit and said a baby had been born and is in care with foster parents, since the agency had only met with his birth mother twice, they still had some things to do before they placed the child. And the foster family our daughter was with recently fostered a boy from 5 months to 7 months. Now he is with his new family who adopted him, but before those 5 months, his birth mother had tried to parent him, had gone back and forth about adoption, then decided on adoption, then the next day said no she would parent, then again the next day decided on adoption. She had him for 5 months--as some have said here--the time frame in your state to sign your termination of parental rights is only a minimum. Not only can you wait until after your baby is born, you can take your baby home for however long as you decide. Please do not feel pressured, and please do not make your decision based on anyone else's feelings like the doctor's or the possible adoptive parents. Best wishes to you
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YOU need to be ok with your decision, whatever it is, NOT the dr. You're dr will not be the one couseling you after you have given the baby up and spend the rest of your life regretting that choice, nor will he be the one picking your kid up from soccer practice when he/she is 16 if you decide to keep it.
As far as the dad, well it seems you have an idea of his level of involvement if you do decide to keep the baby. You need to be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best. Whatever you do, you have to decide if you will be able to live with yourself after its all said and done.
I know I'm not giving any real directions, but its not my place to. You and the dad's opinions are the only ones that matter. Not family, not step-siblings, not friends, not drs.
I just read thru all of the posts.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. :(
How sure should you be?
Thats the thing-- you don't have to be SURE, because how CAN you be??
You need to be counseled, and I hope someone put you int touch with a counselor.
If you choose adoption it needs to be because YOU wanted it. Not the father, not the Dr, etc.
And YOU choose the family, you decide if you want to hold your baby, you decide if you want an open adoption, etc.
This Dr should not be pressuring you like this.
I'd tell him that you just want his medical care, and should you choose adoption- you will go with an agency.
As far as adoptive families needing an answer or commitment.
Thats a bunch of crap.
We are an adoptive family in waiting, and I assure you that adoptive families are thrilled to get a call "the baby was born...and you were picked!".....we don't need months to prepare.
Oh....and contrary to popular belief, all adoptive families aren't rich! LOL
Lots are just normal people who can't get pregnant.
You need to be financially stable to adopt, but there is no requirment to be loaded or anything! ;)
I hope you are getting some good counseling and make a decision thats best for you.
I will pray for you tonight.
Hang in there ok?
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