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How do you deal with gifts in your open adoption?
Background for why I've been thinking about this:
I've got a visit coming up at the end of the month. I would like to bring Cupcake a gift since I haven't seen her in almost a year. The last visit we had I brought her some gifts, which she (and her Mom) seemed to enjoy and appreciate.
However, I don't want to fall into the criticisms that I'm trying to buy her love or that visits with me mean a gift, etc.
I'm not THAT person.
BUT, here's a non adoption related example: I have a ton of neices and nephews (15) and I can't afford to buy them all Christmas presents. It's just not possible. Many of them live close, so rather than presents, we do things. We go to a movie throughout the year, or they come to my apartment and spend the night, or I take them to karate class once a week - we spend quality time together.
My nieces and nephew that live far away don't get that time with me. SO, this Christmas I bought them each something that I took to them. Am I BUYING their love? No, but I'm creating memories with the short time that I do have. And I'm leaving a physical present behind that will hopefully remind them of me and those memories.
And THAT'S what I'm doing with Cupcake. We don't have the time to build the "quality time" relationships. The weekly trips to a lesson, the sleepovers, the things that I do with the important children in my life.
Goodness, this is possibly becoming a blog entry instead of a question, haha!
I guess the question is, how do YOU deal with gifts? Are adoptive parents receptive? Do you limit the gifts to "traditional" gift giving times? Or do you give when you're together, no matter when that falls?
Aparents, how do you feel about gifts? Do you have times that you think it's "appropriate"? Do you feel like the first parent should check with you first? Is the first parents gift giving different in your mind than other extended family members/friends/etc.?
I'm less looking for advice on my situation (even though that's how I explained it) and am more just interested in a conversation about gifts - the good, the bad, the ugly.....
Thanks!
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Not crazy. I'm pretty sure that Kiddo's mom and dad don't appreciate the things I send anymore. I know they did in the beginning, but now there is so much anymosity towards me, that I know they don't.
I did one of those Hallmark recording books for Christmas this year and I made sure to take out the instructions on how to rerecord it because I was concerned that would happen. Sad thing? My mom actually agreed it was a possibility.
I get Kiddo whatever I want to. I don't spend much money but I rarely see the kid so hang what they think.
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As adoptive mom I would love anything personal my child would receive from his bmom. I think its wonderful as its something from your heart. Its not like everytime time you see Cupcake that you are giving her a bucket load of gifts. I think pictures are always lovely sentiment that can be framed and put in her room or something you made was a lovely thing as well. Books are wonderful.. So pretty much anything is a beautiful and thoughtful gesture on your part. I hope you have a wonderful visit!
TGM....I know I am coming late to this thread but as an aMom I would say go for the gift giving.
Gift giving can be a funny thing but I feel that I "know" you a little bit and I think {and hope that Dee knows} that you are wanting to do it in the right spirit and not for the wrong reasons. Meaning that you are not doing it in a manipulative, clinging, controlling, power struggle kind of way but rather as a gesture from the heart born out of love for Cupcake.
I think that as she grows up it would be very important for Cupcake to always know that she was special enough to you that you thought of her when you weren't there physically and brought something special for her.
We all feel special when someone loves us enough to bring a little gift just because they love us. Different from a truckload to "prove" they love us.
Some things that my daughter has that are important to her are saved in a beautiful glass cabinet in her room. Her biggest treasure in life is a musical globe {like a snow globe} with a fairy inside. It is the one and only thing that she has from her BMom and it always has a place of honour in her cabinet. Last year when we had a chimney fire and were worried about the house burning down it was the one and only thing she wanted saved. I made darn sure to instantly run back inside to get it for her. {Although, she asked so sweetly making sure that my life was not in danger to go get it for her :}
I think gifts that are collectibles like the snow globes {maybe from places you travel etc} or glass fairies or precious teddies etc are more keepsake type gifts and hopefully will be honoured as such. Build a bear and activity presents create memories and leaves something behind for her to interact with after the visit. Pictures and scrapbooks are of course always wonderful IMHO. All are great ideas and I'm sure that you will find the right one/combination for you and Cupcake over the years.
I hope that you have a wonderful visit and really hope that Dee can open up a little bit more so you can feel a little more at ease with your relationship.
SM
I find myself really annoyed that our adoptive children's parents don't give them anything. I get upset and practically rejected on their behalf. At this point, if they ever came up with a gift for them, it just wouldn't be enough. We even had a visit on a birthday where nothing was given. So, I would say, give the present no matter what. Give as much as you can. It is important. It certainly can't hurt to show them your love. Give time, give money, give a family heirloom, give presents, whatever. Their little cup just may be empty for a long time no matter what you give.
Before I read the rest of the thread - I'm going to give you my answer....
Anytime I go to see a baby/small child that I haven't met before or seen in a long time, I always bring a small gift - not expensive, and unless it is an "occaision" not wrapped. It is a good icebreaker with kids -they get excited their parents get excited so it makes them more comfortable sooner.
So, as a young child, I think this would be perfect. As Cupcake gets older there may be more specific things she wants - but at age 7 my sons are still thrilled getting a $1 hot wheels car from a long lost relative. And, when my neice's grandfather sent her pearl earrings (REAL expensive pearl earrings) at age 3 she tossed them aside, we wound up digging through paper to find them.
When we meet the boys' birthmother again, depending on how old they are, I hope she brings them a gift with meaning not based on price. At this point they show no interest in it, so I'm assuming they will be 12, 18 or older,,,,
So, long story short, I think it would be very appropriate for you to bring Cupcake a gift based on what her interests are at this time.....but I wouldn't go extravagent. And, as a parent, I always telll my kids where they got certain toys. My sons' birth grandparents gave them stuffed baby animals of the "big five" - and they know that's where they came from.
Best of luck to you on your visit!
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FullQuiverMamma
I find myself really annoyed that our adoptive children's parents don't give them anything. I get upset and practically rejected on their behalf. At this point, if they ever came up with a gift for them, it just wouldn't be enough. We even had a visit on a birthday where nothing was given. So, I would say, give the present no matter what. Give as much as you can. It is important. It certainly can't hurt to show them your love. Give time, give money, give a family heirloom, give presents, whatever. Their little cup just may be empty for a long time no matter what you give.
I like the charm bracelet idea too - you could get a charm each time you visit, either from where your visit is (a zoo?) or for something that is happening in her life, or a game that you play.
I bet Cupcake's Mom would help keep in a safe place until she is old enough to appreciate it, and then, if you include a short note on why each charm was selected, I imagine it would be very welcome, and treasured.
___
thanksgivingmom
Another question about gifts, mostly for first Moms:
Do you ever worry about giving the "keepsake" gifts for fear that they won't be kept and treasured the way you hope?
I have this (probably) irrational fear that I'm going to send something that means a lot to me or that's in some way symbolic and that it won't be received as such.
Is this a common fear or am I just crazy, haha? :arrow:
quantum
Full Quiver Mamma,
Do you mean you get annoyed when your children's first parents do NOT give gifts to your adopted children?And that it wouldn't be enough even IF they gave something? Forgive me, but that sounds kind of nuts.
I know that a HUGE part of relinquishing for a LOT of mothers is finances. I'd feel really insulted if Iwas EXPECTED to give things to my relinquished child? Personally, I also feel like the best things to give are NOT based in money either.
And love is free.
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Well here are my crazy, unorganized thoughts:- I never give gifts to my children's bmoms. It's not that I don't like them, or don't feel like they will appreciate them, I just don't really give gifts all that often, especially to family I visit and talk to every once in a while, which is what I see them as. I don't send mother's day gifts (I do send cards, decorated by my kids) but I don't send lockets, etc, or their birthdays, and vice versa. - NOW I totally think it's different for the kids. I do bring gifts for my kid's siblings if it's near their birthdays or christmas. I think it's different giving gifts for the kids. I think if my kid's birthparents gave them gifts (and they don't) I would TREASURE them!! I also think it would be fun for them. No, don't bring gifts each time, but I think if YOU think of it as fun, so will they. Just don't feel like you have to, and don't bring gifts for her mom. - I also think it can really make a difference to a child (as bad as this sounds) when they get gifts on their birthday and Christmas from someone. Makes them think you remembered and they are still important to you. :) - Don't buy overly expensive gifts like a wii, a play kitchen, etc. The only reason I would feel like you are buying her love is if you came with something worth 100$ or more each time. Otherwise that thought would never come up! :)
Thanks for the additional suggestions and comments on the whole idea of gift giving!
(And good to "see" you Vogi!)
I certainly don't have any $100 bills lying around, so that's not a concern on spending too much, haha!
As for the "pressure" aspect - it certainly is there. What's the "right" gift to bring, etc. And before I asked the question here (long ago) I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for me to bring anything at all! I've heard a whole range of opinions (not necessarily here) from it's not appropriate at all, to it being an insult to the adoptive parents as if I think she can't provide for Cupcake, to people having very distinct opinions (which they don't necessarily tell the first parents about) regarding which gifts are "right" (in their mind) and which aren't - all that to say, I can see why a first parent might *not* bring a gift, and not just based on monetary restrictions (which CAN be a factor too!)
Also, just for the record, Dee has never given me a gift (a bouquet of flowers when we first met, but nothing else) and I'm totally okay with that. I sent Dee a card on her first Mother's Day, and she gets holiday cards along with Cupcake, but that's it. She doesn't send me cards for any holidays or anything, and again, I'm okay with that.
I don't know how old your child is but maybe you could pick out a book to read and leave with them, that way, when anyone else read the book they would remember the book as coming from you. Kids just love being read to. It would be a gift and a time to engage them. I have fond memories of my mom reading stories that I loved as a child. Also I remember teachers who read to us as being special teachers
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I have always brought gifts for my now 11 year old birth son and always will. If a visit falls near a b-day or x-mas I give him his gifts then...otherwise i mail them, but I have a little something every time.
as far as keepsakes the only thing that has hust my feeling is I sent My b-son, not his parents, a framed 3x5 pic of him and i at my wedding. He was my ring bearer. last time I was there it was no where to be seen. I asked him where the pic was and he looked confused and said he didnt know...
They send me framed photos of him every year and i lovingly, and proudly display them in my home. I don't understand why he cant have one pic of us from such a special day :(