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My sister was given up for adoption 5 years before I was born. My mom had her when she was 14 years old. My mom is one of 5 children and was being raised by a single mother when she got pregnant with my sister. My sister is my full blood sister. My parents were dating at the time was sister was conceived and they stayed together for 21 years. When I was 11 years old I came home from school and there was a weird message on our answering machine, turns out my sister had been searching for her bp's, but being 11 I didnt know any better. A few days later my parents sat me down and told me I had a sister they had given up for adoption. I was sooo excited. I met my sister a short time after and I was smitten. It was as if she was in my life all along. Ever since our first meeting we have had a very hot and cold relationship. When we are togther we have a blast and I am soo blessed to have her in my life. There have been periods of time when I havent seen her for years. I am now 30 and I have not been able to keep in touch with her for more than 6 months at a time. She will just cut me off without warning or explanation and this just kills me. I dont know how she feels about having a healthy sibling relationship with me because she never talks about it. She has met our entire family and I have met her adoptive parents. She seems to have some deep unresolved issues with my mom and dad (her birth parents) but never talks to them or asks them questions. I end up getting cut off and ignored and I didnt have anything to do with her being adopted. I feel like it gets taken out on me. I feel for her and how painful and confusing all of this must be but the selfish side of me thinks "I didnt ask to be told I had a secret sister only for her to build a relationship with me one day and hurt me the next" How do I build a healthy relationship with her? How do I take her feeling into consideration without allowing myself to be so hurt and disapointed?:confused:
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Nichole,I wish I had some magic words of wisdom to give you to make your relationship with your sis better. My own track record with my placed sis isn't so good, but if I had to give advice, I would say 'Communicate'. The unfortunate truth is that if she does not want a healthy relationship there is little that you can do to make it happen, but there are things you can do to find out if it is even possible. The first thing I would say is to reach out and ask her how she sees your relationship. If she's not a good talker, does she like to write letters? e-mail? Some people are more open via the written word than the spoken word. The other thing is that some families are close in spirit, but not in actual time/space. My husband's family do not 'talk/communicate' often. They only get together once or twice a year (sometimes less) but when they do, they are like puppies. But then they lead their separate lives the other 363 days a year and rarely talk. Could your sis feel like that? She knows you are there, but she doesn't feel the need to keep in close contact? She may not be hurting you intentionally; it may seem 'normal' to her and it may not occur to her to call/write more often. You won't know unless you ask her and again 'communicate'.If it is a situation where she has adoption issues and goes through 'pullback' and cuts off contact with her bfamily, only to re-establish it later, well, that seems to be fairly common. My placed sis has done that so many times, I've lost count. If that's the case, you will have to decide for yourself what you can stand and set boundaries you can live with. I'm always happy to try and make sense of a relationship and offer anything I can. Good luck and please let me know if I can expound on anything or offer words of encouragement.
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