Sinners/Saints/Sinners or Scammers...our journeys

I *do* beleive a lot of things are that old 'you made your bed'... Because we "chose" adoption, we aren't allowed a lot of other feelings. Even those of us who did it with no coercian whatsoever, well it doesn't mean it's any less painful as a choice... And true, at least when someone reacts, albeit negatively. it opens the forum for discussion. Silence doesn't do that. Of course, I never 'called' my friend on her 'rather have had an abortion' comment. She was going through a really rough time, trying to decide if she should abort her child, since her husband of 10 years had just left her and her other two kids. I took the high road and made no comment. But it did change the nature of my friendship with her. And I am not so willing to share things about my son with her...

I don't know if this helps but I was that person who said " I could never give my child away" at least twice. As a teen, I had an abortion when faced with the choice. Then a couple of years later I became pregnant and decided to single parent. No real support nor much of an income I was overwhlmed with stress. How did I deal with that stress? latched onto the first jerk that was "supportive", got pregnant again and said to myself "yes, I can give my child away". Put another kid through this life? I had learned to love someone more than myself so I chose a better life for the next one. I knew giving my child away would go against my nature and would be hard but I had no way of knowing how hard. My child bonded great with her new family. I didn't do so well. I was never really able to break the bond no matter how much I didn't talk about it. It wasn't just the feeling judged thing that I was avoiding by not talking. I know that anyone who would advise someone on what choice to make if they are in that situation has their own agenda. It is very much a personal choice and no one should judge or criticize. Their is always that abstainence or birthcontrol thing we didn't choose but we were young and....well, nevermind, water under the bridge. We should most of all stop judging ourselves as we have a tendency to do.

You would think, especially, those who have had children, especially OUR OWN MOTHERS, would have some sympathy! My mom was surprised to learn recently that it still "bothered me" when I was talking about my son. I had to actually spell it all out for her in very simple terms, like you'd talk to a child. "Mom. You had two kids, right?" "Yeah" "Imagine someone telling you or you feeling yourself that you were not fit to raise us (she really wasn't, but that's another issue) and you had to give us up." "Yeah?" "WELL?? Would you want to do that? To go all these years and think you could just forget about us or not be bothered by it for the rest of your life??" "OH. No, I wouldn't want that, it would bother me very much." BINGO! I still don't think she REALLY got it, deep down, but it made her think a little outside of her own experience. My mom's not the best with empathy, so actually, that was probably pretty good headway I made with her. I also agree with Holly that we judge ourselves often very harshly and can be our own worst critics. I think a lot of it is internalized junk from what we get thrown at us, but it is up to us to stop it. I think another difficulty I have in talking about my son is people will often say pat things like "well, SEE he had a good life, aren't you glad you gave him that??" and that completely diminishes the pain and the fact that that good life came at such a terribly high price, not only for us, but for our children, in terms of losing their natural families, culture, original identity, etc. Yes, I want to talk about the good things (and fortunately, my son DID have a very good life, but not all adoptive placements turned out so well for others), but also to be able to openly talk about the difficulties, too. Because it is so hard for us to be open about our experiences (I am in the closet with everyone except some family members and close friends, but it's even hard to bring up among those who do know), people are probably afraid to say the "wrong" thing, so they say nothing at all, which to me, is worse. It is similar in discomfort, I think, when there is a death. Some people want to talk about it, others don't and so many people just don't really know what to say to a grieving person and they usually end up saying something really cliched and not always appropriate or helpful. I have had to come out and tell some of my friends that I need to talk about my son, that it helps me to talk about it. It would be SO NICE if they'd ask about him, but they don't unless I bring it up. At least when I do, they have been a little more understanding, but honestly, they still don't really get it. Sometimes I wonder if it's just one of those things you have to experience to truly understand, but then again, I also know a few people who really do get it, and have never even come close to my experience (one friend who totally gets it never even had children, and yet she is totally understanding of what I went through). So I suppose it really depends on how empathetic the person is and to what degree they can actually see beyond their own experience.

Yup yup... That's a greally good point! I don't think I live my internalized stuff all the time, but it's there and sometimes bubbles up to the surface...try to get rid of it, think I've gotten rid of some. I hate this one... HATE this one. OF COURSE I AM GLAD. *sigh* My MOM LOVES LOVES LOVES pointing this thing out. I know that really she's justifying her OWN role in this whole adoption thing, but it hurts when she says it. JP you're definately the one who helped me to understand WHY that hurts.

This thread is "spot on" about what we've had to deal with. I've never been to identify, let alone articulate these feelings. Thanks for starting it, Q!

I can take the silence from people I don't know well, or when I initially tell someone, but I have struggled with silence from those who were close to me. When I was younger, my DD's b-dad was the only one who really knew DD existed, and for the most part he refused to talk about it, so I was silenced very early on. But a few years ago, it really put a wedge in my relationship with my best friend. It seemed she was OK with my having found my DD and trying to make initial contact, but once it became a regular thing, she was very dismissive. I'd pass on pictures or articles that DD's mom would send me and she wouldn't even acknowledge that she received them. When I would ask her about it, she would say "Oh, I haven't checked my e-mail in weeks." even though I told her beforehand that I was sending them. If I talked about her or shared updates on her accomplishments, she would change the subject (her way of avoiding things she doesn't like to talk about). I could tell she was silently judging me, even though she never mentioned to me way back when that I should keep my DD, as a "smothery" type of mom, she could not wrap her head around the fact that I gave my child to strangers. Her way of justifying it was that her adoptive parents preyed on a teenager and was coerced and used to get what they wanted. It was as if there HAD to be an explaination, she just could not accept that I made my choice in sound mind. What ended up changing her was that she became close with a family who was built through a fully open adoption. Once she saw how they function, how her friend felt about her children's firstmom etc. she started to come around with me. But it always bothered me that it took a stranger to go "Hey, adoption is OK, look how we do it" to realize that it's OK for me, her best friend of 30 years, to live it as well. For her, an adoptive mom to talk about it was OK, but for me as a birthmom to talk about it was uncomfortable, and to this day I still wonder why that was. But as I travel on this journey, I get more and more open about it. At this point, it's take it or leave it with me. I'm a birthmom who is a part of her child's life. It works for me, it works for DD's a-mom. If it doesn't work for you, that's your problem, not mine.

I do think there are many people who actually resent it when we reconnect with our children. It's like they have that old fashioned mentality of "you gave them up, you have no right to them!" Mixed in with that, I think, is the idea that we are "getting away with something." We didn't have to put in the hard work of raising our kids, and then I think it seems to the other people in our lives that we are now reaping the benefits of having our child in our lives but that we did not do the actual work of parenting. To me, it says more about them than us (why would they begrudge us a connection with our children and for our children to know their roots?), but it still is a complete misunderstanding of the dynamics of the whole situation and the circumstances that lead us to adoption in the first place. And Q, thank you for the compliment, but honestly, I only recently figured out myself why some of those comments bother me so much. I think coming here and discussing so much and hearing others voices helped me articulate mine. I could never quite put my finger on the WHYS of it all, but only knew I'd get stirred up whenever I'd hear certain things said to me. I think it was maybe just in the last few months I figured out that part about how those "complimentary" statements completely gloss over the loss. It would be much better for someone to say "It's nice that your son had a good life, but I wish you didn't have to go through so much pain for him to have that--it must have been quite difficult." Doesn't that sound better and more understanding than "SEE? He had a GOOD LIFE!"?? I'm sure this is also why many adoptees have a hard time with similar comments. "LOOK! You had such a wonderful LIFE! Your parents gave you SO MUCH!" totally dismisses THEIR loss, too.

Browneyes, This thing, about not listening to YOU but taking things on if heard from another source, that is DEFINATELY one of my triggers, and something that I find people often do to me. MAKES ME NUTS. I haven't really noticed it around adoption issues, but around many other things in my life... (I even was doing some translations for my neighbor last week and she wouldn't beleive me about the definition of 'bewitching' until she saw it in the dictionary for herself, she thought it had something to do with witches). Makes me feel less than...

I've felt this, even in my relatively short time as a first Mom. I think it goes hand in hand with me shutting up and being grateful for the pictures I DO have - God forbid I want more or something.

I went through this during my first year in reunion. That first Christmas, my son and I went to my younger half-brother's house for a Christmas gathering. My brother's father and his third wife were there, and the wife kept giving me dagger eyes. Finally at one point, she said in a very contemptuous tone, "So, his parents approve of you coming back into his life?" After I choked on my coffee, I just glared back at her. Ummm, yeah, they not only approved, they had tried to personally track me down since he had been 13 years old. The wife and I had a glaring contest, and her contempt for me was so thick you could cut it with a knife.Twenty years after that Christmas morning, that judgmental woman still glares at me whenever we run into each other.Yeah, some people think we don't "deserve" to reunite with our children, but you know what??? I've paid my dues and then some...

And for all the wonderful names society gives us, the first thing on every bs dear birthmother letter is all about their respect and compassion for us. but wut do they say behind our backs? I havnt spoken to my mom or sister for 3 years because im "a baby seller" ( i recieved finacial support) and a child abandoner. No, im not. I have 3 wonderfull children that i love more than life and would die for. but i also am the birthmother of an 8 year old daughter. We make the decisions we make for best for the child, for ourselves, and sometimes for our existing families.

I empathise with you all on this topic. To me...What people say or do is so similar to the time when we were pregnant with our first born. Pregnancy (sex) was not approved of outside marriage and we were at their mercy. Now...years later...we are again criticised for being heartless and/or interfering in another family's life if we have or are contemplating reunion. But we are not teenagers who need counselling - we are full-blown adults who life our life in the best way we know how. I was totally open once my son and I had reunited. I told the world if they wanted to listen. I told it with joy and love and wonder and if there was a negative comment, I told them I was celebrating a life that I created and I expected them to be joyous for me. JustPeachy - Instead of inviting them to give an opinion, tell them the same....you are celebrating and sharing your joy with them. It's a leading statement - like... "I know you will be with me on this one". It doesn't invite any criticism or ignorant responses. It was easy to be blunt and to the point because I finally had what I wanted for years....knowledge of my son. Only a few fell by the wayside. I'm sure some talked behind my back but....what you don't know can't hurt you. Girls.... You know that what you did you did for all the right reason. Believe in yourselves and your right as mothers. I'm 8 years+ in reunion and noone is going to spoil my celebration. Ann

I like this idea. I am not yet reunited (hopefully will be?) and am in "limbo" right now, but definitely plan to use this when the time is right. I think right now, not knowing for sure what is going on, I am more hesitant to talk about it, though I am really trying to get over that and get over even the possibility of negative responses. I mean, really, why should I care what anyone else thinks anyway? I shouldn't, but I often do....

Kune, I've DEFINATELY gotten more confident in talking about my son since reunion. It feels like, I'm at peace with it now, he has a fantastic life, what anyone else feels doesn't matter one bit. Or shouldn't anyway. :-) I want to gain strength and confidence in my status as a first mother. Tough uphill journey.

Quantum Don't you think that it's all a mindset? How we approach the problems other's have with this change in our status affects how we, as reunited mothers feel inside. To talk about it makes it real. To be positive makes us feel more secure in our relationship and acknowledging our blessings allows us to take bigger strides in our reunion. I tell myself often how amazingly lucky I am to have my son in my life and it replaces the fears that surfaced earlier on. Believe in it - believe in your ability to do it well and his wish to be really connected to someone who has a special place in his life. Reunion wouldn't have happened without him accepting there was someone else who was important to him. You're doing it well. Keep on working at it. Ann