Feeling cornered and uncomfortable with past 'foster mom'

If it were me, I'd change daycares and stop the visits for awhile. Then, I'd do visits, where both families can get together, like at a park or somewhere fun for the kids. You need to have time to bond with K and him bond with you and the situation he is in now is probably very confusing for him. Good luck and great job stepping in to help your nephew. I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces and I know I'd do anything for them.

I'm sorry to hear the problems you're having. It sounds like your instincts are right - that you need to have plenty of time with K for him to adjust to being part of your family, and that letters/pictures/once a month visits would be the way you were comfortable in keeping the foster family in his life so he learns that people don't disappear. And feeling that more contact than that at this point sounds right too. I do have one word of caution - be careful of thinking of J as "just" anything. She was a big part of his life, even if she wasn't officially his foster mother. She was his primary caregiver for a long time. And she didn't get way too involved and attached - she got as involved and as attached as a child K's age needs someone to get. Her fault is not being able to let go and to act like you are now K's parents. That's a different fault entirely. So think through exactly what level of contact you think is best for K at this point (with details), tell her your decision, and then draw the lines and don't step over them anymore. We'll be here to support you when you need it!

I would suggest that you take a look at the situation from the baby J perspective and decide from there what is best for him. He is now in his forever home and you will be his parents. It will take some time to bond with him and he to you, so everything that you can do to facilitate that bond, the better. He has had 16 months with the foster family and knows them really well and is bonded to them and now needs to develop a bond with your family without the interference of the previous foster family. It isn't fair to the baby to put him in a situation where he is in constant contact with them. I would think that in his mind he keeps wondering when he gets to go back home and you people will leave forever. It is unfortunate that the foster family thought they could adopt him or the daughter adopt him, but in most cases, trying to keep family together is the primary goal. It is not uncommon for relatives to be kept out of the loop in foster care cases and not know about a child in care. Regardless, you came forward and wanted him as soon as you knew. Decide what level of contact you are ok with. Pics and updates 4 times a year(every 12 weeks) and maybe a visit or two is a good starting point. No visits for the next 6 months at least. When our DD came to us at 18 months old, she needed to be separated from bioMom for long enough that she knew this was her home. Have a meeting with the former foster Mom and explain that Baby J needs to bond to his new family and as long as there is continued weekly contact, it is confusing for him and you must stop it now. Explain to her that in the future, you would like to have a visit and you will send pics every few months. Remember, this isn't about her, it's about him and his new family. You aren't doing this to be mean and uncaring towards her, but it is what your child needs. Also establish other ground rules about contact. She is not to come to your home without your permission, or seek him out otherwise. Find another daycare asap. Make sure you inform the new daycare about possible visitors and that no one is to see him without your permission. As a foster parent, it is never easy to see them go, but I know they are going to a family that wants them or being reunited with biofamily. My first placement was a sib boy and girl,18 months and 2.5 yrs. They were here for 6 months and if possible we would have adopted them. I'm super glad that they went to relatives who really wanted them, loved them and recently finalized their adoption. They get to grow up with family. Do what you feel comfortable with in regards to the former foster family, but not so much that it causes harm to your family.

Something you said struck me:Did you 'think' it or did you communicate it? If you were just thinking that's the way things would go and never actually communicated your expectations for the relationship (or she didn't communicate hers) then that's the point in which the relationship started to fail.I would encourage you to sit down with her and have a face to face converstaion to discuss your comfort level and the needs/desires of all involved - then come up with a workable plan where you're all on the same page (or as close as you can get).Clearly - there was a different expectation from her side - but like you, she was likely 'thinking' what she had in mind was totally fine.Good relationships are built on a foundation of good communication, trust and a willingness to be flexible when it comes to needs and desires.Talk - now before things get to out of hand. Do it without your nephew around so you can focus on the actual issues at hand.Good luck :)

Thanks to all of you - I can't believe the quick response! And you have really made me feel a lot better ... I can finally get to sleep. :) To Diane: I ABSOLUTELY empathize with J and recognize her role in K's life up until this point. I try to put myself in her shoes every time I feel uncomfortable in the situation: what if biomom manages to get custody again, how would I feel - what would I do ... And I apologize if my tone was condescending towards her at all, because I couldn't feel less that way. K is so sweet, good natured and loving - I don't think he would have turned out so well if not for being in such a loving foster home. I feel so lucky that he was so loved while we were so clueless about his existence. It is why I feel so guilty, now, when I feel like we all need some space from each other. But all of your comments really bolstered me - it isn't about what she wants/needs or what I want/need, it is about K. And, to DH and myself, it is very obvious that the current situation isn't working well for him. Thanks again to all of you - you made me feel much better and gave some fantastic advice for my next steps and how to handle the situation. I'm so glad I posted. :flower:

Thanks, Brandy - I replied before I saw your reply. :)I definitely did not lay out a plan of how this would work. This whole situation is so new to me and I've felt a little lost. I definitely assumed that she would take a step back because she has had a hand in fostering so many little ones and would understand the importance of bonding with the new family. But you know what they say about assuming ... and I think she was a bit more attached to K than the other children she's had.I will definitely be more open and clear with her from now on - and hopefully, vice-versa. :)

If it were me, I would limit your nephew's contact with her for now. I sympathize with her tremendously as I was in a similar situation, but, she needs to realize that you are his parent now and you and your husband need time to bond with him. I agree that contact with her would be a good thing, but as long as she doesn't abuse it. You have been very reasonable and kind towards her and the attachment she has to your nephew, but if your nephew is starting to have separation anxiety because of her actions, then something needs to change. I would change daycare centers.I hope I don't sound insensitive to J, because I really do sympathize with her, but like I said she needs to realize that she is not his parent, you are. Good luck and I hope something can be worked out with you all.

Thanks to all for the great advice. We are going to change his daycare - I am visiting some places today. This will actually be a good thing for us as well since we are looking at locations much closer to our work and home. I'm feeling very anxious about telling J that I will be moving K to a different daycare. I know it is best for K, but I can't help but feel guilty - I know J will be very sad to loose frequent contact. Every time we talk she tells me how hard it has been for her. :( I have to give his current daycare (where she works) 2 weeks notice of leaving - I think it is best that I tell her before I tell them. What do you think?

Definitely tell her before you inform the daycare about the move. Don't tell her where he is moving to. You should also have the entire conversation about what future contact will be or otherwise I imagine she might freak out about him leaving the daycare.

Second what Caddo said about the daycare. Don't let her know where. And do make sure that the daycare knows that you won't be allowing anyone other than you and dh pick him up. In our small area everyone knows everyone and where kids are in daycare is practically public knowledge. In other words, it wouldn't be impossible for her to find him if she really wanted to. Speaking from the side that lost a beloved little girl--the judge decided she'd be better served in her home county--the pain of them leaving is horrific. Especially when you think you're going to get to keep them. That's where she's at right now, except that she hasn't had the need to grieve the loss. Do be honest, firm and kind. J needs to recognize that you are the mommy now. Until you make that break, she can't move on in her healing nor can K. She really, really needs validated for her loving care and devotion. And she really, really won't like it. You are very blessed to be able to see how good she was for your little guy even when things aren't comfortable. Good luck with this difficult task.

i would just put him in a different daycare because she is a little too close for comfort for me I wouldnt really trust her because i can see her taking the kid one day and not bringing him back to you then that would be a disaster

I agree about moving to another daycare...it's best for K to bond with you now and know you are his Mom. We had a similar situation when we took placement of our niece whom we adopted in 2008. The former FP's were not in the same area so it wasn't such a hard situation as yours is however they would call every day for weeks wanting to speak to her. It was very hard for them to move forward which was causing our niece not to be able to move forward because of the guilt she felt in hurting them (she felt like it was all her fault). We finally had to have a heart to heart with them to explain how the calls would be structured and that they needed to back off for 90 days to allow bonding. After that we would be open to contact (we allowed letters during the 90 days) and we could discuss that. I have to say she is so well adjusted and that break definitely helped her! It allowed her to move forward and to know we were her family now and to not be so confused. They may get angry with the change however let them know you are doing what is best for K at this point. As long as contact is positive then allow it later on but now allow him to bond with you completely. BTW: We haven't had a call from the former FP's in almost a year!!! They were so angry for us to take her away but now just don't keep contact? I email them all the time with photos and such but get no response. It's weird!

Well, we changed the daycare about 2.5 weeks ago and our bonding with K is soaring! He comes right to us when we pick him up, kisses, hugs, laughs. He is so happy at the home, no weird clingy-ness, no hitting or anger. It was definitely the best thing to do. Unfortunately, the foster mom's daughter - J - did not take it well. She was fine when I had the conversation with her - I explained we were concerned about bonding and had spoken with the CW and GAL and decided some space was necessary right now. I said I would still send pictures and updates if she requested, but wanted about 3 months or so before we could do a visit again. She 'okay-ed' everything I said. But then I found out she turned around and called the CW saying that there must be something wrong at OUR house and with US if he isn't bonding with us after a month (I felt VERY betrayed by that.) The CW told me to shrug it off - that she agreed with me that this was for the best and that J was too attached (even her own mother - the actual foster mom - had told her she needed to give us some space). Well, now I find out from the CW that she has been letting the birth mother use her facebook page to 'spy' on us via the internet. We had blocked the birth mother from both of our (DH & I) pages in order to keep the comings and goings of our lives private from her, but had 'accepted' J's friend request when we were in the process of getting K. Thought it would be a good way to share info and pictures, but unfortunately that backfired on us. CW asked us to block J from our pages and have zero contact with her since she is now seemingly 'teaming up' with the birth mother to try to cause more issues for us. CW is afraid that she is trying to make waves so that K would be taken away from us and be given back to her (J) with a promise to the birth mother that she will allow extra visits (or something to that effect). CW is going to meet with J's mother (the actual state certified foster parent) about the behavior and explain that this kind of extreme bonding and then out of control behavior is worrisome for other foster children they place with her. I'm really disappointed that it all went this way, because both the GAL and the CW have asked that we not resume visits with her at all, now. I feel sad for K, because I didn't want to cut anyone out of his life, but I agree - her behavior has become so intense that it makes me feel like she would run off with him if given the chance. The most important part though: K is doing FANTASTIC! We have moved recently too into a MUCH bigger place and it feels like our family is finally settling in. So major happy there. :) Thanks for all the advice - it helped me handle the situation the right way and the way she decided to react was not something I had any control of. Hope this wasn't too confusing! :o

I was wondering how this all worked out. I am so glad that K is doing well!

I wanted to add my two cents, bc I'm sort of in both places at the same time. On the one hand, I'm a foster mom to an incredible little girl who's 13 mos and we've had her for almost 7 months. Her goal from day one has been RU, but her parents have been dragging their feet, doing what's required but at the slowest possible rate of speed. It took longer than expected to provide the needed list of relatives. At this point, there are no relatives who have come forward to care for Baby V while bparents work their plan. My worst fear as a foster parent is that there is a bio relative who is being kept in the dark about Baby V's existence, and who would have been a great resource for her from the start had they been notified, and that they will enter the picture only after we reach TPR and we assume we'd be adopting Baby V. DH and I have no children, and we're fostering with the hope of adoption. Baby V is like our own daughter, and we would do absolutely anything for her. Every time we go to court, we brace ourselves that the judge will send her back and we say our goodbyes. It's incredibly taxing. What's worse is that our hope is kept alive by the bio's dragging their feet and time ticking. There is a time limit in which they need to get things done for the best interest of the child. Baby V doesn't know that we're not her "blood relatives". She's pretty much only known us, our home, our routine for over half her life. Explain to her that it's in her best interest to now go live with some relative she's never met just bc they're related to each other by blood. We were the ones who woke up at night for her, who've been taking care of her health concerns, who've been changing her diapers and feeding her and imersed her into our entire lives. So please don't call us "just" foster parents. We're the only parents she knows right now. Even with weekly visits, even with now unsupervised visits, she is attached to us. And when she goes home (assuming she does), to cut us out of her life completely would not only be a punch in the face to us, but seriously hurtful to Baby V. Granted, in your case, you did recognize this and wanted to keep J in K's life. If I were in J's place, I'd be very careful not to do anything to mess that up. I'd count my blessings to have available any level of contact you - his now forever parents to be - would allow. I recently spoke with Baby V's bmom, and we discussed the possibility of us being her primary child care option after she goes home (my job is flexible as is bmom's so we could arrange for both of us to keep our jobs and for V to be with us when bmom is working). I was absolutely thrilled and pray that DSS agrees that this would be a good idea. But I said I saw both sides, and here's why. My nephew was just born a week ago. For three months we expected to adopt him. Then bmom changed her mind before he was born. We had (and still do have) serious concerns regarding the care he will get, and worse, if bmom will stay in touch with our family (the bdad is the relative connection). If we were to lose touch with bmom, and then if she were to lose our nephew to DSS, and then for us to not be notified of this, would absolutely ENRAGE me. We are his family, and we deserve to stay in his life, and he deserves to know who we are. So if I didn't find out about his foster placement until after his foster parents had bonded with him, I would sympathise but insist that he belonged with us. I would certainly keep the foster family in his life, especially if he'd have been with them for the better part of his entire life! But I would not tolerate any behavior that came across as competitive with us as his forever parents. I feel like you meant well by keeping J in K's life, but that J messed that up by going overboard. I totally sympathise with her attachment, and I wouldn't call it "overly" attached at all. I'd call it loving him as her own. Except she had to keep in the back of her mind that there were no guarantees, and that he was "her own" only while he was with her. He is no longer "her own", and she needs to allow him to bond and find a permanent home with you and your DH. After she's had time to cool off, I'd reach out again with an email/photo, but clearly she can't be trusted to have too much access to your family, which is unfortunate. But she brought that upon herself. Hopefully, having these 3 months to cool off will help her snap out of it and come to accept her new role in K's life. Best of luck!