Seeking advice from those who have placed children in open adoptions

Actually, I've just noticed you plan to tell your daughter that when she finds you! I know you wouldn't want to hurt your daughter in a million years so please don't say that, she may be rather insulted. We adoptees don't particularly take to people telling us who and who isn't our mum etc - we've usually worked it out by the time we are 18, thank you very much lol. If she does seek you out, however, it is probably because she would like to have some sort of connection with you (not as a replacement mother) and if you tell her you are a mere vessel you are more or less saying that you feel no connection to her at all.

:love: Whoaa Whoaa lol I didn't mean it that way. LOL I meant that I had this wonderful experience and felt all the way to my soul that this baby was meant to be just for that lady. Like I had a hand in bringing about some cosmic force. Not like I was a cow bringing home the milk LOL. I am glad to see someone with a good outlook from the other end of the spectrum! I always always believe that if a child is raised right and knows everything (because sooner or later they are going to find out) then that person will have the why question but not the hatred and confusion that I usually hear about. Not the cow......lol just Gods vessel and feeling marvelous that I had this awesome chance. :happydance:

GoldieMoore, I didn't want to upset you, I just didn't want you to make a mistake. I don't know about the hatred, I can't understand that (though the most hatred I've seen from adoptees is from those who talk about their birthparents as if they are a sperm donor and uterus) but I can understand the confusion - when you are in contact with your birthfamily, you can feel very confused because both "families" are now a reality, you have to work out how you feel about it all. Again, I would not have wanted my own bmother to feel that way. (though it is a moot point, as I will never meet her because she died very young). It would have made me feel like a commodity to be traded. It might be a good idea to do a bit of reading about adoptees beforehand :). I'm really not trying to upset you, I just don't want you to say the wrong thing.

We're in OA with our DDs bmom and like you do most of our contact through either email or text. When DD was first home, bmom would occasionally refer to herself as "mommy" or reference DD as her baby. Honestly it stung a little. But I tried go just remind myself what she was going through and that maybe still talking about DD in those terms was helpful to her. Because in reality how could she feel any different. Before too long though she stopped saying those things on her own. IMO, it may be something she has to resolve on her own. If your DS was older and she was refering to herself in those terms to him then I would say something or if after considerable time she's still refering to herself as mommy then maybe say something. As far as the name thing, that maybe something I would say something about sooner then later. I don't know why, but that would definitely bother me. Obviously I would be ad gentle as I could approaching the subject, but maybe I would say something like "we've noticed that you've been refering to "John" as "Peter". I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, but it's something that makes us uncomfortable and we feel over time may be confusing. Would you consider refering to him as "John" the name we gave him?" or something along those lines. OA can be so tricky sometimes trying to balance everything out. In our short time in OA so far, we've found that being as open as we can with our feelings and being equally as open to bmoms feelings is the best policy. Hope that helps!

I think we need to remember not to generalize. Not all amoms or adoptees feel the same way. You will figure out what you are comfortable with and go from there. From your post you sound like you will do a great job of working through the twists and turns of OA. I think even the best of OA have moments when things aren't great. Each is different and we can't tell each other what is "Right" , only how Ours is and how that works for us. I kind of like the Mommy Melissa school of thought, but have a hard time with it in my OA, lol . . . still feeling the way here too I guess. Goldiemoore, I totally got what you meant with the Vessel thing. I thought that was a wonderful way to think of it, your child may too.

Perhaps Goldie's child "may", Libby, but I feel that Goldie should not say it straight off the bat because it is possible her daughter "may not" and it is not worth taking that risk. It would be safer in my opinion for Goldie and her daughter to get to know each other first. Personally, it would make me feel like I was a commodity but, what would I know. I have grown to realise that adoptive parents know far more about being an adoptee that I ever will :rolleyes:

Ha! What a loaded statement. Believe me the tables could be turned and the same inflammatory statement could be made about some other parts of the triad always knowing better about adoptive parent issues than the aparent themselves. The point is not to generalize. Your right, her daughter may or may not feel the way you described. I'm sure she appreciates your POV and will consider it.

That is true. Put in the word "some" between "that" and "adoptive" in the offending sentence. Is that better? Goodo. Yes, Goldiemoore, you should just do what you think is best. I am sure that there would be many adoptees who would treat your statement "I had this wonderful experience and felt all the way to my soul that this baby was meant to be just for that lady" with nothing but joy and wonder. Perhaps my problem is that I am a victim of faulty thinkingӔ (maybe I didn't quite bond/attach/connect enough to my parents?) so perhaps what I say should be taken with a grain of salt. :) I better add my usual disclaimer of "I love my mum and dad" so that you don't think I had a "bad adoption experience".

Leaving out all the snark, I think you did a great job with the last couple posts, you posted your opinion and not what is right and what is wrong, Great Job!

Silly adoptee. What could you possibly know? lol I am glad you keep plugging along though Caths. I appreciate you and other adopted people's perspective always.to the OP, our son's Mom called him by his birth name for quite a while but has used his new name for years now (he is now 24). My Mom always called me my new name after reunion and now in letters we sometimes use both the name she gave me and my new name.My son's mom is called Mom and so am I and always have been. We both turn and look;~))

I really don't think anyone was discounting Caths opinion or saying that she didn't have a very valid point. I think the comment was to try not to generalize. The PPs DD may feel exactly like Caths said she would or she may not. I think for sure Caths is right that its probably wise for them to get to know each other before sharing such intimate details like that tho. I appreciate every bparent, aparent and adotpee perspective on here. But, it doesn't mean I have to blindly agree or take persons that perspective as the general feeling of that side of the triad. That's what makes this site so unique is that it's clear that adoption effects everyone very differently, yet we all share such similarities. To the OP, sorry your thread was derailed! :arrow: I hope you we're able to get some good insight in spite of it!

Thanks for the suppport, Legal. Yes, I suppose I was a bit snarky. Libby and Hopefulmom2be, I do appreciate though that you understood that I was genuinely trying to be helpful to Goldie. I suppose I was just genuinely concerned that Goldie and her daughter's reunion, if it ever happens, didn't start off on the wrong foot by Goldie saying the wrong thing when she really knows nothing about how her daughter might feel. Also, we were talking about an adoptee that was going to actively seek her birthmother, not just all adoptees in general. When I am concerned about a fellow adoptee getting hurt, I do get a bit protective and OK a bit snarky lol. As you say though, I shouldn't generalise, however as a 60s adoptee, I know that my opinion is often considered completely irrelevant when it comes to modern adoptees but I do still feel that there are plenty of things we ancient adoptees and today's young adoptees do have in common. Anyway, as you say, this thread has been derailed long enough. In regards to the OP, sorry, I have no advice but to say good luck.

:cheer: Wow! Thanks everybody for all of the input. It's wonderful that everyone has a different opine. LOL I love it that I am not really saying that all I did was make the bacon for someone, in most peoples' views. I just wanted to make a last comment :laundry: I'm not going to open the door...hopefully it happens....and say hi, I'm your birthmother, and let me just say thanks for letting me be your vessel....LOLOL I have a very strong bond in my heart, and if you did catch anything else besides "vessel" in my first post...heh hem...You would have seen that I said it was very very hard to watch her go. By the age of 18 I am hoping very much to have a deep and long converstation and hope that she will be just like me and ask every question she ever wanted to know. And being that outstanding, wonderful, God-appointed, amazing, jazzy, groovy and all around blessing of being a vessel was absolutely without a doubt the best thing I every got to do in my life. I wish I could teach a class on how to be a birthparent. I gave the gift a life with Gods help, and I would do it again and again and again if I could. :cheer: :happydance: OP.......never lost sight of your agenda, Please, please put your foot down now while it affects your feelings. These ARE important now, because you feel it now, and really, it's all about the child, the less confusion for the adoptee....the so much better!

put your foot down. let her know where the bounraries are. from the begining (choosing of the name) you have allowed her to set the boundries. just in a nice but firm way set boundries and put your foot down.

Thanks for all of the thoughts. This was written more than 1 year ago, and things have all settled out well. In our open adoption, we are respected as our son's parents, and all of the early concerns were resolved at the time. We are happy and well, and doing what is in the best interest of our son.