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Hello!
I recently discovered my son (who recently turned 19) was searching for me. I had been encouraged by a friend who recently found her birthmother to register at some search sites in case my son wanted to find me. So, I did. The webmaster of the site confirmed my information, and asked me to see that it was up correctly. Which it was. Out of curiosity, I decided to go to the male adoptees searching section. I went to his birthyear, and surprise! There was a post from a man that matched my son's birthdate, location, hospital and adoption agency.
Needless to say, I was thrilled! I sent him a brief e-mail, stating I thought I might be the person he was looking for and that I welcomed hearing from him, and sat back waiting for a response. That was in June. It's almost September, and nothing. The webmaster from the site contacted him as well, and he responded to her, saying he hadn't really expected a response and needed some time.
I am all about giving him time, as I have always felt strongly about not intruding. But at the same time, I want to write him again, with a little more info, reiterating how much I would welcome hearing from him. And, at the very least, confirming that we are to each other who we think.
So, I guess the question is, do I leave him alone, or do I write him again? I am so torn about what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
Susan
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As an adoptee all I can tell you is give him a little space because the last thing you want to do is scare him off. He is probably very confused and excited and nervous all at once, as I would be and I've been searching for a year and a half. If you don't hear from him by the end of September I would drop him a quick note stating that you're still here if he wants to speak with or meet you and tell him if he wants to form a friend ship that's fine and if not that's ok to. Tell him you are willing to do what makes him comfortable. Let him make the moves. 19 is a fragile age and he's probably not sure what he wants. If you want to talk you can e-mail me at 1morningstar@buckeye-express.com
Best Wishes,
Stacy
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Hi Stacy - thanks for the quick response. Your advice is good, and what I already knew in my heart. Sometimes it's helpful to have someone give you a virtual *smack* to keep you in line! :D
It comes down, of course, to being excited and wanting something to happen. Of course, it really is up to him and I am ok with that. I guess I wished he hadn't developed cold feet from his initial search, or that I had seen his post when he first did it, instead of 6 months later. Ah well, not much that can be done about that.
I do think contacting him again is something I will do, but I think you're right in terms of giving him some more time. I've been working on what I would say, so I guess I can use the time to continue to refine my next e-mail to him.
Thanks again, Stacy.
Susan,
Like I told you in my previous note if you want to contact me just e-mail me. I'm willing to listen to you and I'm very excited for you. I hope that he wants to have contact with you and hear your side of things. I also want to talk to someone on the other side of things. I pray that he contacts you soon.
Good luck,
Stacy
Thanks for posting. Feel free to come here for suport and ideas. I'm the "host" of the site. I'm a birthmom and met my son in 1987 when he was 20. He told me that he would not have been ready a year before that, intimating that he was mixed up then. (First year in college, etc.) But your son was looking... that's a difference. I found mine, and I made all the first moves. These things are always complicated. You have your needs, he has his. I think Stacy's advice is sound, but I also understand your wide range of emotions around the whole thing. I would be careful not to push him, but I wouldn't wait forever, either. Let us know how it goes.
Best wishes,
Linda
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When you do write him....which I agree should be awhile...let him know about you. Tell him about any other siblings he might have and a brief yet positive synopsis of your life. Remember not to get into to much drama right off. Employment, Spouse, Where you live...
Describe some of your likes and dislike(music,food, and the like)....Ask about him and his life...
Keep the first letter as an introductory to each other...
Congratulation To You....I Know You Must Be Thrilled!!!! :cheer:
Remember though it is a ROLLER COASTER ride...Hang on and take it SLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!
Good Luck...Staci :D
I can understand what he is feeling in a sense. I just talked to my birthmother for the first time last week. I have been the one to find her and try to contact her. We have talked for a total of 3 and a half hours over two phone calls. She is great and I really have enjoyed my conversations with her. I am supposed to go and see her next week for the first time. Now, with all that said I am really starting to get anxiety and wonder if I am pushing myself to quick to go... I think that a letter is fine myself. I wrote my birthmother a letter to contact her, it took her two weeks to call me but really these things take time. The one thing that she said to me the other day was that the letter was the way to go. There is no pressure of having to converse with someone, you just have something of that persons to read as much or as little as you want and then when he is ready he can move on from there. I think that I letter is good, just make sure that you let him know that there is no pressure or hurry but that you just wanted him to know these things. It might take him some time but it is very hard for us adoptees to process this major change... you will also know then that you have told him the things that you needed to say. The freedom your heart will feel after you write the letter will be indescribable. Good luck!!!! Holly aka baby girl storm
Suznyc
I don't expect to write him in the immediate future, but probably within the next 2 months. It's a hard line to walk.
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